Thursday, October 23, 2003

A Letter To My Mom


It's about 3:56 am as I'm writing this, as I'm just getting in from the Mercury Lounge after doing a show. Did you and Dad come by Wet Willie's over the weekend? I hope it was you, after the note I got.

I hope you don't mind that I'm writing this, as it's going to turn out to be nothing but another rant letter. The show turned out ok. But, as I got home it was another matter all together.

My landlady has been ok to me up until I started dialysis. I explained to her that things wouldn't be the same for a long time for me physically and that I'd have to cut back on working at Wet Willie's and the Comic Box. With three full days out of the week to go to therapy, I wouldn't be working much any my not be able to pay rent on time. Since then, she's been hounding me since June to make sure I get money to pay her.

Around the first week of October, Wet Willie's participated on Octoberfest on River Street, which meant the bar would be busy. Too busy to even need a DJ, so they asked me to take the weekend off. That meant I wasn't going to get paid for the time off, and I would be behind on my rent, which I pay biweekly. I explained to my landlady, but she try not to let it happen too much.

On Saturday, I had to go to the hospital after having both legs cramp, due to having too much fluid being taken off during dialysis. I was in complete pain as I sat in the E.R., when the phone rang. It was her, wanting to know about rent. I told her now was not the time to talk about it and that she should talk to me when I felt a bit better. I then hung up the phone and just wanted to cry, like now.

Tonight was the first night of my new show at Mercury Lounge. I know I don't need to work due to what's going on with me, but I have to try and keep up with my bills. I'm doing my best to try to have enough money to get a place of my own, but it's been hard with all that has happened to me as of recent. All the work I've done however has just been enough to pay her and try to eat and get my medicine. However, as soon as I came home just an hour before I started writing this, I see my landlady sitting on the couch waiting for her money. I told her that I had just gotten my check from Wet Willie's and that I needed to cash it. If she would let me go to bed and not bother me about it then, she would get her money in the morning. She just kept talking and saying I needed to pay her, because she has bills to pay. So, I just signed my entire check over to her and told her to leave me alone and go home.

The short of it is and I'm sorry if I'm just going on and on is I can't take any of this anymore. I'm tired of dealing with being sick, I'm tired of not being able to work like I should, and I'm tired of my landlady. The whole thing is driving me nuts. I'm not sure how much of this I can take. I'm tired of being alone. It feels like there's noone there whenever I come home, and that I'm just spitting in the wind. I'm going to try and see if I can try and move somewhere else, if anyone would be willing to take me in. Although, I doubt it, as I have a few friends, they would be willing to help. But, I'm going to try.

You know, it's funny. It's almost 21 years since I lost my own Mom to cancer. I'm glad I have someone to call Mom when it feels this bad. I just wish this was all over and I could make you both proud of me. After this, I don't know if I'll even be able to make it to the wedding, but I'll try my hardest. Please give my best to Dad and tell Bob I'll do what I can to be there. I love you all and thanks for letting me go on and on. like this. I had to talk before I started to cry and writing is the only way these days to do it. I've tried to cry with all that's happened to me over the past few months, but I can't. I know this is going to sound strange, but when I'm alone, I just stare into space and just wonder and ask God, " Why me and now?" Maybe I'm just too tired to fight to cry now.

Love you,


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