Tuesday, August 31, 2004
To make up for showing a half naked teen on my page, here we have tasteful photos of Our Dream Woman and the reason to get up in the morning, Lynda Carter. Here she is while showing one of her newly designed living room pieces.
OK. I did this for Pandora, who after seeing my mention of David Cassidy earlier, wanted to know if I had a picture of him. Well, above is the older, wiser, Vegas Keith, while here is Teen Hunk, Rice Crispies eating Keith. By the way, watch VH1 for their update on the show. I know I'll be out of the room for it. If it ain't got the Real Rubin Kinkade on it, I ain't goin' for it.
I sat up until 6:30 a.m. working on the template for this stupd thing and what do I get? A frickin' headache. Mind you it looked great by mixing the old template's background with the template from 3.0 . It wound up looking that way completly by accident. Please remember that after a year that I STILL HAVE NO FRICKIN' CLUE ABOUT WHAT I'M DOIN'! I am tired of fighting this so we got this whole new page that looks like it could have been used for The Mike Douglas Show's page. I mean, what does it frickin' take to get a template that works here?
So there. This is it, swear to God. I can't even make a decent pound cake. Did you expect me to have flash cartoons and a streaming front page? You're lucky the thing's in English and not Farsi.
I was happy the Games went without a hitch this year. I'm glad a lot of athletes had their chance to shine, including the U.S. women that went. Not the gymnasts or runners. I'm talking the softball team, the basketball team, and of course, woman's beach volleyball. WOW. As for the guys, they did ok. Paul Hamm, who sounds like a chipmunk on crack in my opinion, should have just said he had the record and just given the Chinese guy the gold, out of sportsmanship. Speaking of which, the U.S. Basketball team should be ashamed of the way they played, all the way around for just being too cocky. The guy who invented basketball, along with Abner Doubleday, are just spinning in their graves after the way their games were played in Greece. WE INVENTED THE DAMN THINGS AND WE CAN"T EVEN PLAY IT RIGHT OVERSEAS? Doofuses.
Speaking of dumb as hell, I watched the Video Music Awards last night. This is what happens then you don't date. The show was uneventful, as MTV was afraid that Marilyn Manson was going to feel up The Olson twins. It was boring until Alicia Keys showed up with Stevie Wonder. After that, sleepytime. To be honest, my favorite part was watching Andre 3000 of Outkast say at the end of the show, "Ok, for the millionth goddamned time, 'Hey Ya'." I think even he knows it was played out the moment he did it on Nickleodion. Thank God Last Comic Standing is back. Now I can watch real TV again and get back to my summer pastime...
WISHING A HOUSE WOULD FALL ON ANT AND WATCH HIS LEGS CURL UP.
Monday, August 30, 2004
As of 4:10 P.M., August 30, 2004, I hae given the world Tales Of The Mercury Lounge . I came up with the idea in the bar last night after talking with one of the bartenders. It was something I was planning on writing about anyway as a sort of ficional novel, but I thought why not make it real. I can tell some of the stories and show some photos, but after all, what happens in The Lounge stays in The Lounge. I've set it up for them, but I plan on letting them do most of the work. Just look for me, as The Lizard, to tell tales and spin lies, all the while getting folks around the world to check out The Best Bar In The World. I hope this baby grows into a big ol' thing just like it's big brother.
Sunday, August 29, 2004
As you notice, you don't see anything that says post comments. Ok, so when I got this thing, I figured it would have a link to comments here. Instead, you'll have to click the date of the post and go from there. Remember, be kind. I'm fragile.
Next, you notice that my ugly mug isn't the first thing you see on the page. Look, I started this to meet chicks. It ain't worked in over a year, so what's the point of keeping up up? Either you're married or you've already dated me. Maybe next time I'll put up a photo of David Cassidy instead.
I also have a spot for links and stuff. As soon as I can figure out how to add them in, you can send me a link and I can add it in.
I am only going to try this for a week. I'm doing this for the reader for easier viewing. But, I'm also doing this for myself. If I don't like what I see after that, then I switching back. I hope it all works out, 'cause I really don't want to have to do this again. I have a headache.
Saturday, August 28, 2004
Hey Eric...Guess who else is going to Dragon Con this year?
I've said it before, folks. If you want to meet up with me in Atlanta, I'll be there from Sept. 4 thru the 6th. Drop me a line, if you like, but prepare for me to stalk writers while I'm there. I do believe some of them will be in the same hotel as I am. Heh-heh-heh.
die puny humans
I had been promising Dave over at Better Living Thru Blogging that I'd send him this picture. He had been reminising on the Rat Pack (or, more properly, The Summit) a few days ago and how he missed those guys. I feel the same tey where the hippest of hip. The cast of "Ocean's 11" (soon 12) may try as hard as they might, but they can't beat the original. So Dave, I hope you don't mind but I'd like to share this with everyone.
Friday, August 27, 2004
Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever had one of those days when you just throw up your hands and say "Frick It"? It's fun, it's clean but somewhat smutty, and folks are saying it now all the time. To paraphrase the guy who played Booger when he was talking to Tom Cruise, "Sometimes you gotta say Frick It". I'm tired of being the nice guy, Earth. I'm tired of noone listening when I say something. I'm tired of the frickin' fact that the only way I can keep up with my friends is unless I'm drinking with them. Well, that changes TODAY. I am going to have a COME TO JESUS MEETING with Mo when she gets home. I have been thru so much drama in one night, that I can't deal with it anymore. So, Just Say "Frick It". Baby, you are SO on your own.
Gotta love the power of the blog when you can get a rant off like that.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Monday, August 23, 2004
Here. To make it up to you, here's the Wonder Woman Theme just for sticking thru my brain fart today.
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Don't forget to read the post below for your weekly roundup. I'm busy this weekend.
news from me
Friday, August 20, 2004
I keep hearing it sword and sandal flicks and I've always wanted to say that.
I knew a girl named Jane Thurber. She was 20 years old and had a great laugh. She died last night from smoke inhalation from a fire next door to her while she slept. We wern't great pals, she was a friend of a friend. I hate knowing when anyone dies. But, I knew she was a good kid. Bless you, Jane.
Have I mentioned before I love the taste of a cold, lemon slush during the summer? I'm on fluid restritcion and can't drink much at all. But, once in awhile...
Here's the trailer for "Batman Begins" . Let me know what you think.
I am possibly soon to become Sam Johnson, L.L.C. .I've been talking to lawyers about getting the transfer fund up and running soon. I never thought it would ever get this far, but it's finally coming together. Stay tuned for more details.
There's even more "Last Standing Comic" controversy coming thru the cracks, acording to Ain't It Cool.
Did you guys ever get started on that New Reader Campaign? You know what? Hold off on that til we start the fund rasing. That's when we'll need 'em.
I've been jonesin' for a Monkey Movie Idea. Since he's been busy this week, I got one. The Mask Of Chicken Head. The heartwarming story of a man, working as a mascot for KFC in a hen costume, is robbed at point blank range from a deranged ex member of PETA. Our hero then takes revenge on the crime and others as he fights for the rights of the scared and others in his chicken suit. The climax is incredible as Chicken Head and the villian face off in a chicken processing plant. Starring Jeff Goldblum and Nick Cage as Chicken Head. Rated PG 13 for just no reason whatsoever.
Come back, Monkey! I don't know how to do this!!!! I suck at parodies!!!!!!
Osama's cook has been arrested. Why is someone even cooking for the bastard?!
I saw the trailer for "Beyond The Sea", based on Bobby Darin's life starring Kevin Spacey. I cannot wait to see this film. I'm a huge fan of both men, and this should be A GREAT TREAT.
New movie that sucks since "Catwoman" : "Alien Vs. Predator". Of course, "Catwomnan" is still up there.
The Olympics have been cool this time around. I saw Paul Hamm (pronounced "Humm) do things I have never seen before on the parellel bars. Of course, let's not even mention the cheerleaders for beach volleyball.
How do you like your banana pudding? Baked with a merange on top, or just with bananas, wafers and Jello instant pudding in a bowl and left overnight? If you chose the second, then you are my friend.
I think Heidi McDonald's The Pulse is a great new blog. Yes, women do read comics. They still won't date guys who still read them, however.
I'm still going to DragonCon in Atlanta on the 3rd to the 6th of September. If You are in the area, not a frickin' weirdo and want to meet up, drop me an email. Other thsn that, leave your cmments below and I'll see ya next week!
For Jane...She had a great laugh.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
My ex-wife and I had what I thought was not a great catchphrase, but a great moment. Remember "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" where Snoopy made the meal for the day and it turned out to be anything but turkey? Do you remember how upset Peppermint Patty was when she saw it? Now, imagine if Patty was a 'round the way girl?
Peppermint Pattrelle: "What the f*** is s$&% you got on this table? Popcorn? Dry toast? Aw, hell no! I know you ain't planning on feedin' us this s%$# for Thanksgiving, fool. WHo the F&^^% you think you are, tellin' me this this supposed to be Thanksgiving!? I will kick yo a$& tryin to feed me this s%^$&! You ain't even got no Kool Aid to wash this dry s^%* down! (Flips table over in anger with one hand.) You know what? F*&* this s&^( ! Marcie! Get yo s&*& and let's go! G*&^*dammed dumba&^&^ dog tryin' to kill me before Christmas!"
I guess you had to be there when we did it every Thanksgiving. I finally got to talk to her a few days ago. It was civil. We actually got to talk on the phone for awhile without arguing. Then, Charlie Brown came up and the memories started flowing about Turkey Day. It was one of the best conversations we've had since the divorce.
Not to sound bittersweet, but damn I wish I could do it again.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
So, last night I saw "Collateral" on the big screen. Lemme tell you, I loved it. It's a tight thriller from Michael Mann, who if you've forgotten has done some wonderful things on film other than "Miami Vice". It's the same Tom Cruise you've seen before, but this time he's EVIIILL like you've never seen him. That charm, that smile, that way he snaps necks and shoots point blank. Jamie Foxx however is fantastic and it's about time he's gotten some grown up roles. Foxx could have played this up for laughs, as could the entire cast. Actually, I could see this as a comedy, but it wouldn't be as effective. Don't believe me? Wait for "Taxi" with Queen Lahtifa later this year and prove me wrong. But this is straight up thrills all the way to the end thanks to the film being shot on Hi Def cameras for even more reality. So, I have to recommend this film, the last great movie of the summer.
There were only a few folks in the theater with me on Monday night. Early in the week is the best way to watch a movie for me as it means less interruptions and an opportunity to get the best seats (fifth row, center). While the film played, two young black women were sitting directly behind me. Throughout the entire film, they talked aloud, answered their cell phones, and made comments at the screens. "Ooh, Jamie! You betta run out that room 'fore Tom Cruise gets you! Child, Jada Pinkett Smith ain't all that. I'll bet she sportin' a weave. Will can pay for it." This went on and on for the course of the film. Folks who sat around them didn't say a word as they must have been scared of the 'round the way girls, but I was getting more and more tired of it. It seems as though blacks can't go to a theater without having to go Tom Servo and talk back to the screen as if the actor will just stop in his tracks, look at the viewer and say, "You know what? You're right. I'll just stay here and wait for Freddy Kruger to go by. " This is why blacks never make it thru horror films. We don't know when to shut the hell up. That's right, I said it.
Anyway, the girls kept yapping and I was just steaming the whole time time, until the girls just got louder and louder during the climax until I had enough. One of the girls got as loud as she could, ruining the moment with the classic, "Girl, you betta get out that room", when I just turned around, cleared my throat, and in my best Ving Rhames voice said, "This ain't no g***dammed DVD at your raggedy a** ol' house, so shut the f*** up and watch the g***dammed movie!" Yes, I got medieval on them and they never said another word. As the lights went up, the girls wanted to see who said that. When they found out it was me, they quickly looked away and just plain split.
The moral of the story is I don't really care who you are: Black, White, Asian, Hispanic. Hell, I don't even care if your Tyra Banks. When you're in a movie theater and I'm there, Shut the frick up and lemme watch the dang thing.
Friday, August 13, 2004
While we were all freaking out here, I had to go to dialyisis today, in case there was an evacuation. I thought I was having a heart attack while I was running around trying to take care of crap. Fortunetly yet ironicly, it turns out that I'm just stressed out from too much stuff. I have been saying I need a vacation and no one believes me. Well, I bet you do now.
Thanks to ESP for the heads up an a great article on Rick James. By the way, ESP has updated his site, including a great opening for his links. Tre Cool, but really. I don't think I deserve to be in the same group as Warren Ellis and Ted Rall. I'm too modest for that, but thanks for putting me there.
I'm thinking of starting a new reader drive. Here's the gist...Tell all our friends about the blog, then have them tell their friends. Soon, we'll have a network of bloggers, then we can take over the web! BWAAAA-HAAA-HAAAA!
I was serious about that. So get started.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Sunday, August 08, 2004
I've gotten a few comments on him from some folks. Of course, somebody had to write in "I'm Rick James, bitch". It's kind of sad that he'll be remembered that way, but the man was larger than life. Rick James had intensity like no other. Here's a man who walked on stage withthe biggest spliff in the world singing "Mary Jane". As a kid, I didn't know what the song meant. Back in the seventies, for me at least, life was Happy Days and Mork & Mindy. When I got to high school, I finally got to find out who she was.
She was a good date. Anyway, where was I?
I knew about the man fron the hits he had. "Give It To Me, Baby". "Cold Blooded". "You and I". "Fire and Desire". "Ebony Eyes" with Smokey Robinson. I don't even need to mention "Super Freak" now, do I? I could very easily make this a whole "Y'all was lucky we gave you 'Super Freak, 'cause you had nothing else to dance to" thing. But Rick's music was available to everyone who wanted to hear it. I'm not even going to complian about "Party All The Time" because that was Rick, concentrated.
Now everyone sees the man as a coke hound who parties too much, slaps folks as a joke and locks women in his basement. Let's forget that for a sec. Yes, the man had his demons. But that devil made some of the best funk I've ever heard, then and now. I'll still laugh everytime I see him on "Chappelle's Show" because at least I understand his past. For the rest of you, go buy his records ( not cd's. That's right, I said it) and get a lesson.
By the way: The whole "I'm Rick James, bitch" thing? It was funnier coming from Wayne Brady. So just stop it. It's over now.
Friday, August 06, 2004
"Green ARROW? No, no, Sam -- you should love THE GREEN HORNET! It's my latest obsession - and it's got Bruce Lee as a bonus!"
Tell me he didn't just go there.
First, I have to give the na no ("Pootie Tang" reference. WATCH IT!) to David on his Green Hornet comment. I've been watching the show on The Action Channel(Time Tunnel is back!!!) and I think the show is great. Short, simple, to the point crime drama. Looking at those shows, it's great to see The Little Dragon, but the show is called "The Green Hornet" and Van Williams did one hell of a job. He reminds me now of George Clooney in "Ocean's 11" if you think about it. Besides, The Hornet was bad assed before he ever touched TV. Listen to http://www.yesterdayusa.com/ sometime and check out "The A-Train with Wayne Shirey". He runs the show on his program and it's great to hear.
Now as for G.A., Here's a guy who went from Billionaire to broke. He changed his style and his attitude and became one of the best anti heroes comics have ever seen, literally living up to his Robin Hood attire.
Then, he died.
Then, he came back from the dead. Cooler than ever.
He's middle aged now with a son who takes after his dad when it comes to arrows, his former ward, formely a heroin junkie, now back in the hero biz, and now an adopted daughter who wants to follow in her new dad's footsteps. He listens to jazz, he makes the best chili in the world, can make Batman take notice when he's in the room, and is doin' it with Black Canary. Don't believe me? Watch " Justice League Unlimited" Saturday nights at 8:30 on Cartoon Network. This ain't no "Superfriends" that's for sure. When you meet Oliver Queen, you'll think of him as an stubborn jerk at first, but once you get to know him, you realize that he works harder than any of the other heroes in the League. Just to make sure that ordinary folks have their say surrounded by gods. If Steve McQueen were still around, he would be Ollie on celluloid.
That's why I like Green Arrow.
Second, I'm gonna get the Stiller set, catfishvegas. Not much to say on that but it did give way to a bunch of great comics, actors and Andy Dick.
Okay, I gotta go to bed. Tomorrow, the ORAL SURGEON is pulling teeth to make sure that infections from my moth don't get to my kids. I'll be out for a day or two and the next time you're here, you hay hear me whine like the last time I went to a dentist. Monkey, go for it now if you want, friend . I'm out like Clay Aiken this weekend. Thenk You.
Thursday, August 05, 2004
I'm sorry. I really hate the guy. Let's all pray that Dave Mordell comes back to win it all.
Ok, now Kathleen got booted. I liked her, but she's already had a Comedy Central Presents showcase, so she'll be fine. John Heffron beat her however, so that should make Pandora happy.
Now it's Jay versus Alonzo. "From years of playing Kiss records, my stereo now has mono. Thenk you." That was Jay.
" I can make fun of Nascar fans 'cause if they chase me, I'll just turn right." That was Alonzo.
Did I mention I hate Ant?
I need to mention Jay Mohr. He's a great comic with wonderful timing. Yeah, I'll admit he looks like could sell you a used motor home, but he's good. He's done the short lived sitcom "Action", "Paulie" one of the greatest guy movies of all time about a parrot with good vocabulary, and does a killer Walken. If Walken is our patron saint, Jay is his backup.
Ok, 'Zo has beaten Jay. So it's him, Heffron and Gary Gulman in the final three. This is a toughie. We'll see.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
I really didn't get into "Last Comic Standing" as I thought. Probably because of Ant. How I hated that...guy. I'm not a homophobe, by all means, but he just reminded me of a new millinium Dr. Smith from "Lost In Space". I hated Dr. Smith too.
I just found out about sorbet. I LOVE IT!!
my roomates think I'm a party poop since I don't drink. screw 'em.
I got one of those ROBOSWEEPS you see on tv. I'm gonna get it a leash and call it "WHOOZITZ".
There is nothing better after shaving your head with a mentholated gel than standing in front of a fan afterwards. Try it sometime...It's Fun!
Larry King is as young as he feels. He feels like he wants a 21 year old this time.
Dave Chappelle got 50 million to stay at Comedy Central. What does Blogger give me for two hundred posts? A slap on the butt and a hearty "Hi-ho, Silver".
is it a double standard when your white roommates laugh harder at chappelle than you do?
Give me a Slushie machine, a tuna salad sandwich and some really old comics from the fifties and I'm your pal. Blow in my ear and I'll follow you anywhere.
Halle Berry says she doesn't want to do comic book movies anymore. We told you not to do "Catwoman", but did you listen? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
please don't hate me, halle. i still loves ya, boo. just wear the leather when i call.
Don't forget your Glad Plug-Ins.
"I was not drunk in public, I was drunk in a bar. YOU threw me into the public." Ron White, "They Call Me 'Tater Salad".
Most of you know I'm a big Superman fan, but my second favorite hero? Green Arrow. Oliver Queen Rawks!
I can't get shut the bold off. You're stuck with this for a bit.
Watch Chris Rock's "Pootie Tang" on HBO this month. It makes no sense, but it's funny as hell. Sa-da-tey.
I now have a credit card. Pray.
i'm running out of stuff to talk about.
Hey, it's back to normal!!!!
I fixed the last post and made corrections. Stop yelling at me!!!!
That's all I got. Now, somebody send me some cookies in the mail. REAL MAIL.
Monday, August 02, 2004
You want the truth? I didn't really want to write this one. After the (I'm trying not to curse here. I never really have and I don't want to start.) crap that happened to me up til today, I knew nothing good would come from this. But, I must push on. I must keep this going. BLAH BLAH FRICKIN' BLAH.
I never got the tire fixed til Saturday. The tire I bought on Friday ran out of air the moment I drove it. It went flat in front of THE MEN'S TRANSITIONAL CENTER. I had prisoners laugh at me for an hour while I tried to get someone to help me. I called everyone, from my roommates who helped me put it on ("Dude, we're already on the southside. You're on your own".), to Monette (remember her?) who didn't have a jack in her trunk, but did have a phonebook there, to the lovely f-ers at Pop-a-lock, who mistook me for a woman while I was trying to ask for help, then hung up before I could even tell them I was a man. The day went from Dang to DAMMIT to NO FRICKIN' WAY. I finally got a friend to get me air for the tire and I finally got home just in time to see that the tire had gone flat AGAIN.
Stay with me on this, y'all. Please. You seem the be the only folks I can talk to anymore...That's sober. For the most part.
I was hot, sweaty and pissed off and had to be at (shudder) Wet Willie's in an hour, so I took a quick shower and called a cab. After that, it was Hell. Lord, I dread that place. This I why I JUST GAVE UP MY SATURDAY NIGHTS TO STAY AWAY FROM FRICKIN' DRUNKS AND REST. Friday nights however are still screwed. I was so tired of the place, I turned to Jon Stewart and The Daily Show to give me relief. But when it was over, it was back to normal. So as soon as it was over, I snuck off to a bar that didn't know me and had a shot of Jameson. I then fond a friend in another bar and he proceeded to buy me a glass of Belgium beer. That's when I got drunk.
I know, I know. But it's been a bad week. I have no excuses, however. I called a cab and slept it off. That's over. Let's move on.
I got up the next day and called a GOOD, SOBER FRIEND over and we started working on the tire. We took the old one off and took it back to the place I got it from, only to find out even though they had a sign that said "Open Saturday from 9 to 5:30", they were closed with no warning. NO FRICKIN' WAY . We got a new tire, it worked, I missed dialysis this day because of all the crap and stayed home. I didn't move.
Sunday, quiet. Goood.
Monday, I made up for missing dialysis by going in. I fond out I had too much fluid weight by missing Saturday and could have had congestive heart failure if I didn't show up sooner. I felt worst than I usually do after the clinic and came home feeling like crap. That's how we got to this point.
For 200 posts, you have seen me in all sorts of moods. This one is no different forn all the others. But I get tired of complaining and whining. Sorry for that, folks. BUT I NEVER EVEN GOT TO GO TO SIX FLAGS!!!Do you understand that I just wish I could disappear for a day and act like YOU? It's never happen, but I 'LOL wish and pray that one day it'll happen. I'm fated to be me. I must have some purpose in life, otherwise I still wouldn't be here, even after all that's happening. Maybe this is it. I hope you're still with me when we get to the next two hundred. Thanks for putting up with me. Let me know if I'm a pain in the tush.
And, if you ever wondered if this page had a theme song, it's this one. "Wouldn't It Be Good", by Nik Kershaw. It fits like a glove here.