Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Love Gravy

I got a letter from long time reader Dave Hewitt that must be answered.

"Who cares who looks the best? What I am always looking for the absolute best music to play when getting busy. Do you or any of your faithful readers have any suggestions. I just picked up a Keith Sweats album from the library, and I'm not that thrilled with it."

WHODAWHADAFRICK!? Tell me you didn't go there, Dave. I love him, but it's time for a Come To Jesus Meeting® here, folks.

First of all (with head rotating and finger wagging), I care what women in rock look like, since I am a single, hertosexual male. You're so lucky I didn't put up a photo of Ashanti or your head would have exploded from the sheer power of her beauty.

As for Keith Sweat, I have no idea what album you got, but I know I NEVER GET MY MUSIC FROM A LIBRARY. That's where I go to get my books. Mind you, if you must use Keith Sweat for luvvin' and rub-a-dubbin', then "Make It Last Forever" is the one you want. Yes, it's from 1987, but it still works.

As for crooners these days, well, they suck. Seriously. R. Kelly? Forget it. Now we all know who he was singing to. The man had a song called "You Remind Me Of My Jeep". What woman wants to be reminded of something that was driven hard and dragged thru the mud, topless? Justin Timberlake? Great voice, but not even a lover man, as puberty has barely finished with him. Usher had a song called "Confessions", about how he cheated on Chili from TLC and got another woman pregnant. Ladies, do you want this man in your home, the bastard?

Me, I grew up on REAL MEN SINGING REAL SONGS. Marvin Gaye, Al Green, Isacc Hayes,

Teddy Pendergrass, Luther Vandross and Lionel Ritche, before he left The Commodores and adopted the dumb sexpot who's father is the bandleader for Jimmy Kimmel. And, if you want me to take it even further, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Nat King Cole, Tony Bennett and TOM JONES. It all stops at Prince when you move from romance to getting to the freaky deaky. Women, do you want to be seduced by a guy who says "Let's, let's stay together/Lovin' you whether, whether/Times are good or bad, happy or sad" (Al Green-"Let's Stay Together"), or some dude in saggy pants, drunk on crunk juice, rappin' "I've been thinkin' 'bout you a long time (Shorrrr-tty)/ But p**** never crossed my mind (Shorrrr-ty)" (Usher, Ludacris and Lil' Jon-"Lovers and Friends")? I though so.

Look, I'm not a loverman. I wish I was, but this isn't pityparty time. I just know my music for my moods. Use the right music for romance. You and your loved one may want to ge thteir freak on with The Ramones, others like Vivaldi. Others just like silence. Ask them what music they want to hear when your in those private moments, and it may just be to your advantage.

This post brought to you by Columbia Pitcures, with the new film "Hitch", starring Will Smith opens this Friday, only in theaters. I needed the money, okay!? Shite...

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