Friday, December 16, 2005

How Not To Kill Your Fellow Man During The Hollidays

Ya know, if Arnold had done "Jingle All The Way" the right way, there would have been bodies everywhere and we would be done with Sinbad forever, with Arnie saying, "Now who's a ho-ho-ho"? I was two thirds away from doing that at the local Wal-Mart getting my ingredients together for my cider. Add to the fact that I was feeling like my butt had been whupped thanks to dialysis (why do I even think about moving when I should try to rest after that hell) and it was a ride a minute.

As soon as I pull into the parking lot, I'm having to sit behind cars trying to wait on spaces. You know, they say you should excercise by trying to walk alot. Put your car just a little further than you would normally park and get rid of some calories. Yeah, you could do that. However, you decide to just sit there for five frickin' minutes and see if there's anyone in the car. Guess what, Jughead...There ain't. MOVE!

After pulling him from his window and giving the mook a good thrashing (my vision), I walked into the store and quickly got what I needed, except for one thing: Mason Jars. Now, out of anything that the retail dreamsrusher would have, it would be Mason Jars. But, they didn't. I asked one salesperson and they just looked at me as if I just made the name up and said no. My rage began to flare, but I kept it in check. It wasn't the salesperson's fault. There was no need to beat her into a pulp. After all, it is the holidays and junk. I found some bottles however, so that should do.

AS I got to tthe line to check out, my legs felt like they were getting ready to give out on me and I felt woozy. I quickly grabbed a Vault soda from the cooler next to me and began to chug it down, giving be that extra boost I needed to get me thru the long line. I then began to check out with the speed that I needed. Then, the bottles wouldn't register.

I sat in that freakin' line forever waiting for a price check. Soon, I began to black out and felt like something had begun to take over my body. Before you know it, I was in my car getting ready to crank up, whistling "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town". AsI was pulling out of the parking lot, I was that the Wal-Mart as in flames. Children were screaming. I could smell the plastic of the Smiley face mascot in the air. Grown men began to cry, wondering where would they get their jerkey and 10-40 oil? While I drove away, all I could say to yself was, "Now, your jingle bells have been rocked".

Really, I got the right price after waiting forever got to the car and quietly went home to make the perfect cider. But, if Arnie had done it my way, he wouldn't be going thru the crap he's got now.

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