Sunday, May 06, 2007


Here's an exchange I had with the neighborhood kids when they were playing basketball in the driveway yesterday and I heard a loud "THUNK' against my window...

Me: Hey guys, I know you're having fun out here and all, but watch it with that ball, alright? You might break something.

Kid 1: Naaaaw, that wasn't the ball. Thas was stupid throwing dirt around.

(I look at my window and there's dirt on the screen and big clump of dirt on the ground.)

Me (outraged at Kid 2:) What the hell are you, a frickin' moron? I can see you throwing the ball around, but dirt? Geez kid, how old are you?

Kid 2 (sheepishly): Twelve.

Me: Twelve years old and you're throwing dirt like you're four years old?! What are you, some kind of idiot? What kind of twelve years old throws dirt? Are you that freakin' dumb? Did your parents just raise you to be that dumb or do you not even care anymore? Go home! Just go home and go throw dirt at your mama's window and see what get then, you doofus!

I really don't think anyone had ever talked to Kid 2 the way I went off on him that day. Now, I know what most of you may be thinking here. "My God, he just went off on that kid like he was Alec Baldwin or something." Yes. Yes I did. But he wasn't my kid. if it was my kid, I'd have grounded him for being so dumb at the age of twelve to throw dirt at windows. Only for a couple of days. Besides, I'm starting to get crotchety now as I get older and starting to feel myself becoming Old Man Johnson now. Somebody's gotta straighten out these young punks now before they get out of hand it, so it may as well be me.

I'm so glad that I don't have a daughter at a dating age right now. Boys would never even get to the screen door close enough.

By the way, today I gave away some books I picked up on Free Comic Book Day to two of the boys who were there during the verbal thrashing I gave out yesterday to prove I am a good guy. They never even thanked me for 'em. Little bastards.

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