Sunday, July 22, 2007

"I Got 99 Problems And A B.... Ain't One"

By now, most of the readers here know that I live in a very nice little town. Not too big, not too small, just right for me. However here in my town, the citizens of Savannah have a few rules they'll need to survive this place. So the folks at the Savannah Morning News came up with 99 rules to live by here in town. You can see the list here, which I thought was great, but there needed to be a few adendums and changes for it to work in my opinion. Follow their list and then see what I added to straighten the thing out...

2.5 If you are over the age of thirty-three and not really Irish at all, stay off River Street on St. Patrick's Day weekend. You will become tired of the whole thing after standing in line the first ten minutes.

8.5 Screw Jody and the rest of the TV anchors. Jim Carswell was the rightful heir to the throne of Doug Weathers.

12.5 Sadly, the hip hop generation in this town (okay, let's just say it: young Black kids) think that Johnny Mercer is just a road on the island. Ask them who Camaflage was and they can rap you three of his tunes. "Cut Friends" was one of his best. R.I.P., Cam.

20.5 While you're crunkin' the car, show your porn from the screen on the back seat while there's no other riders.

22.5 If any SCAD student becomes too pretentious, slap 'em. Backhanded.

26.5 Hey Ma'am, while you're wearing that Spandex you should have stopped wearing pounds ago, keep on wearing that half shirt. It's Savannah! No one's gonna see your womanly beer gut.

28.5 Johnny Harris got their BBQ sauce recipe from an old Black employee, then took it for themselves and never gave him any of the profit, allegedy. Skip it. It's just for tourists these days anyway.

30.5 "Bless their heart". There's no greater insult.

58.5 Every story you heard about Burt Reynolds in the Sevenites is true. Most of it happened here. Dom Deluse came much later in life.

61.5 If Vox Populi doesan't print your phoned in rants, start a blog.

64.5 "Palmetto bugs", my ass. You saw them fighting raptors in " Jurassic Park". Those are Russian tanks with legs.

72.5-74.5 Paula Deen's restaurant is okay, but not great. It's just for the folks who watch her on Food Network, which is a lot of tourists. If you come from out of town and can't get in to Lady and Sons, go to Mrs. Wilkes. If you go with me, we're going to Mama and Nikki's. Trust me.

81.5 We were over "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" once the movie came out. Check out this list of movies made here in town. "Bingo Long's Travelling All Stars and Motor Kings" with Billy Dee Williams, James Earl Jones and Richard Pryor RULES! Can't forget the "Swamp Thing" movies!

That's all I got. I know that there's loads more rules that I should remember, but they'll some to me. Wait...there is one more...

99.5 The Krispy Kreme on Skidaway is open twenty-four/seven, except Thanksgiving and Christmas. Same thing with all the Krystals.

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