Sunday, September 02, 2007

Ah, Kareoke

What can one say about kareoke that hasn't been said before? It is the vengence of the Japanese for losing in WWII after the bomb. Kareoke and octopus sushi, I believe, is the devil's tool and it's just plain wrong. Somehow, people are atracted to them both especially when they're drunk. They'll have one beer to many and say aloud even tho9ugh they think they're speaking softly, "Say, I'll think I'll give this a try" when they damn know that once they do it, they are putting themselves in danger. Stupid people should leave both kareoke and sushi alone if they don't know what they're doing.

I've been helping out a friend who has five kareoke systems running throughout the town and since I need the extra money, I thought it would be fun. It is, however there are some pitfalls to hosting kareoke:

1: In Japan. everyone looks nice and clean and the bar looks spotless. Here in America or at least in town where there's kareoke, everyone has at least more than two teeth missing and scruffy as hell and that's just the women.

2: Alcohol is everywhere. I can understand that as sometimes you need Liquid Courage to get up there in front of a mic, bt if you've done at least five beers you should be cut off from singing. There should be a three beer limit if you plan on singing your heart out the whole night before you get to "Welcome To My Nightmare".

3: Someone is going to sing Jimmy Buffet.

4: As for the word "sing", there really isn't any real singing in kareoke. For the most part, folks just fumble thru the words on the screen as they go by. I've been folks get up there and just stop trying to even read the lyrics and make an even bigger ass of themselves to the point where they just stand there and just beg for somebody else to do the song. Nobody wants to "D'yer Maker" after you just screwed it up for everybody.

5: As Dave Letterman would say, "This is only an exibition, not a competition. Please, no wagering." That kinda goes for kareoke as well. As a host, I'm not looking for stars, I'm looking to help the bar make money and to give drunks something to do. I'm not gonna give away prizes to the best singer because there is no best singer in kareoke. It's a level playing field out there on the bar floor. I did a show Friday night and a jackhole came up to me and handed in his songslip and told me that I should crank his voice up becasue the best singer was in the house. I looked him straight in the eyes and told his that he wasn't. He seemed upset and angry that I should tell him something like that, but I told him that no one is the greatest singer in the bar when it come to kareoke. Then he understood what I was saying while in his booze fueled stardom and he shook my hand and everything was fine afterwards. By the way, the guy was okay. Adequate, but at least he was in tune thank God.

The thing is, if you're looking for someone from a record company to pull up to your local hole in the wall, redneck filled, beer and piss smelling bar and sign you up after hearing you do your best Mariah Carey impression, you also have a shot of finding a a dog who poops gold from its butt. But you also have the same chance of having Simon Cowell comeing and stopping you into your second chorus of "Friends in Low Places" to tell you go to go home and slap the pee out of your mother for birthing such a horrible singer. Kareoke is all about getting up there and just having fun and singing goofy tunes with friends to see who can top the other with crazy songs. It's not "American Idol" and if it was the tryouts, you'd be sent home crying. Just stand up and sing as all that's asked and have fun, even if you aren't the best singer. Besides, the best singer is the one hosting the thing.

That would be me.

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