Saturday, October 06, 2007

Like A Porsche On Blocks

I had planned on writing about how from this point on, I plan on stopping my verbal abuse of Britney Spears because it's gotten to the point that even she doesn't even care anymore about anything to do with reality. Her life has become a sad little joke played out before the public and it's not too long before she possibly blows up after the self destruct switch gets yanked. Before I'm done with the pop princess however, I have a few things I'd like to say about dating and the opposite sex. Don't worry, ladies. I will be as fair as possible with this.

It came to me last night in a vision, first of all. I had been at home most of the day and into the night trying to get caught up on my first week of Fall classes with homework, when it hit me like a slap in the back of the head. I need to be out there having fun on Friday night instead of having to sit at home doing all of this paper work. After all, I deserve it for all the work I've put in this week. I need to meet some ladies and have some fun. Then after a while of mulling this over, I thought about that. Once I go out and meet someone and my conquest is successful at some point, I'm going to have to tell her about the whole kidney thing at some point, which one or two things will happen. Either the person is going to understand fully what I'm going through and do what they can to make things easy for the both of us or they just say it's too much to deal with. Think about this for a minute or so. Say you were single and there was someone who you thought was attractive enough for you for you to possibly go out with them and you find out that they have some sort of skeleton in their closet that you may not be able to deal with. Everybody has something they haven't told the other person that could hold them back. Eddie Murphy put it best: "Hell, some people got graveyards in their closet."

As the cryptkeeper of my own yard, let me say that for the record that I finally realize the real reason I don't date much anymore. First of all, I really don't feel like all the drama. Every woman I've dated over the years has been nominated for an Emmy for their performances that could make any Meryl Streep scene look like a first grade school play. Anyone who has heard me tell them all about The 2007 St. Patrick's Day Massacre knows exactly what I'm talking about (Oh, you haven't heard that story yet? I will be telling it soon for Sweeps Month). I really understand that you have a crappy life at the moment, but walk a mile in these size thirteens for a few. Yes, I know it may be vain of me to say it but think about it. The crap I'm going through trumps mostly all the other stuff. Bad spouses, lousy jobs, broke all the time, stupid friends, just the crap people can actually control, yet they don't. Unless they or their child is sick or deathly ill, I compleatly understand. However, if you have a stupid job that has just made your life a living hell and now you must make someone else's life as bad as yours, I will look at you as if you are crazy, tell you you are crazy, then try to plot a way to get out the Hades Bar and Grill without you knowing.

Which goes back to the beginning and Britney. Here is this good looking woman who has gone bat shite crazy. It could be from all the pressure of fame and the fact that because she is good looking, she is going to get all the attention she feels she wants. However, this is also now a woman with an affliction I have heard called "Crazy Eyes". They look really great, but as you get closer and closer to them, you see this thing in their eyes that doesn't look right. It may be loose gears or it could be a little person with a pick ax, but either way it just doesn't look right. Something is wrong with that person and nothing you can do other than a year in rehab, heavy medication, shock therapy and a Scared Straight session with either a reformed Crip or a Blood can fix that person. Britney has had the Crazy Eyes for years and it was just a matter of time before everyone would notice. From this point on, any person she dates will look at her a little more closely now if and when she gets herself together years from now. It could happen in a romantic little restaurant where Brit-Brit is sitting with her new date and they ask her if there's anything special about her, she goes into how she shaved her head and you can see that left eye of hers jumping around.

This is why I don't want to date anymore.

Of course, I am writing all this crap at six in the morning on a Saturday and I haven't had a cup of coffee yet.

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