Sunday, December 14, 2008

His Wicked, Wicked Ways

This post is sort of a twofer, thanks to Ivan posting a comic strip that sort of reminds me that sometimes I can be truly twisted and evil. You know, the kind of person who keeps their friends close and their enemies closer. I know that some of you must have something like that going on in your life. Don't lie.

I don't believe fully, but I was born on June 14th, which under the Zodiac makes me a Gemini. Folks born under that sign are aid to have two (or maybe more) very different sides. You know that I have my goofy, "hey, let's drop it like it's hot" side. Others may have seen what I guess would be a more humble side of me. But last night, folks got to see a side of me that rarely ever comes out: My dark side.

I do my best never to get angry. All it does is get my blood pressure rising which isn't really all that helpful. When I was a kid, it wasn't anything for me to go Johnny Storm on somebody because I had a temper that was like putting gas on a fire. As I got older however and my health got worse, I had to learn to relax and focus. Simple deep breaths and realizing that fighting gets no one anywhere helps, although I still look like I could clear a room when I walk into it. Trust me, these days my bulk is more for show, like those homemade Batmobiles you see sometimes at car shows. It looks good on the outside, but it's a rusty old Lincoln inside. Going Zen and using my wits instead of my fists is a great asset to have, but there are days when all of a sudden I turn from from actually Brown to straight out Black with no shadow whatsoever. Did I happen to mention that the number one song on Billboard's Top 40 charts the day I was born was "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones? All it takes is someone stupid to come along and add a new ingredient to the mix and you've got a boiling pot of trouble ready to blow.

Case in point: Last night was Kararoke night at Steed's like it is every Saturday night. Wheather it's a huge crowd or a handful of people, I do my best to have a good time and hope that others there are having a good time as well. Then, Marty came in. I guess I should explain this asshat. Marty is one of the customers that frequent the infamous Captain's Lounge here in town. I've talked about the bar here in the past and talked about my distain of the place and its customers. A few months ago, the owner decided to get rid of their karaoke, leaving their people with nothing else to do in the bar but fight and drink a lot, or go to other bars in the walking/drinking area, so their kind of like fleas or the Borg with no other place to go.

As for Marty himself, he's six pitcher drinker who just loves to sing the most pathetic, mood singing songs ever. If you ever wanted to clear a room, have this jackhole sing "Along Again, Naturally" by Gilbert O'Sullivan or "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot. Not one good frickin' song in the bunch and he wants to them all. When I left Captain's to go to Steed's, I made damn sure to keep those bums out of my new home without following me over, like I always heard sometimes your past catches up with you like fleas.

Anyway, I did my best to let Marty know that Steed's isn't Captain's and we do things different, which means we don't suffer fools lightly. Soon, my friends Tina, Bob Wiley and One Eye Ken showed up, took over the front table and sang. Marty then joined in with the gang afer his sister left him there as he doesn't drive (I'm really going to be nice to his sister because at this point as I can't believe their parents had sex to even get to Marty). He tried his best to join in on the fun, but I really didn't want him around my friends because and this is the truth and I mean this in all honesty, I wouldn't invite this guy to my execution. I'm just there to play host and be nice to the patrons of the bar and remind them to tip the bartender.When the show's over, the mask comes off and I can relax and just breathe. This is where the Dark Side kicked in.

It's now closing time and almost everyone's gone except for Gina the bartender, my friend Tina, Marty the asshat and myself. The show's over and I'm breaking down the equipment and moving the speakers back where they belong so I can go home and rest. Marty, who is now as drunk as Cooter Brown, asks Tina if she would take him to Captain's and he would go home from there and she says yes. She then tells me what her plans are and I tell her it's up to her if she wants to do that, but to just be careful. She then gives me a hug and tells me she'll be fine. Then Marty walks up and decides to give me a tittie twister.

For the record, there are somethings you don't ever do when I'm around. You don't take from me, you don't ever talk about my mama, and if you don't know me, you don't ever touch me, no matter how many times I see you. If I don't bring you into my circle of friends, then DON'T. EVER. F'N. TOUCH. ME. EVER.



As soon as his grimy hands touched me, I then knocked then off me and shoved him, letting him know do not go there. And then he proceeds to do it again. I shoved him again and then all of a sudden I'm getting ready to stomp a mudhole in this guy. That's right, I'm from a little town called All Up In Your Ass, Georgia and I'm gettin' really homesick now.

Tina quickly rushes this bum out of the bar and by this time I'm ready to roll out. So she tells me that she's going to take this douche to the other bar and I wasn't having it. I told her she can do what the f*** she wanted, but as far as I was concerned, that drunk m****f**** could walk. I then went behind the bar and had a double shot of Jameson because sometimes you just have to.

Suddenly, Marty comes back through the door. Gina blocks him from getting anywhere near me and he stops with his head hung low. "Tina said that I was wrong and that I should apologise, and I wanted to say I'm sorry if I hurt you, Sam", he says. I just keep it simple as I downed my whiskey.

"Good for you. Now get the f*** out now."

It gets better.

After I relax and let it go after a few deep breaths, I now realize that I have now go to Captain's to drop off the karaoke equipment and who should be sitting at the bar but Tina and Marty. I do my best to just let them sit and talk by sitting a few stools away from them, but yet close enough to where if he or anyone does anything stupid to her as she is like my sister. She comes up to me to see if I'm fine, but then I feel a pair of hands on my shoulder behind me and it's him again. Like Lenny in "Of Mice and Men" he said,  "Sam, I'm really, really sorry I made you angry and I hope you aren't made at me." I begin to cringe, my shoulders hunch and I take a slow, deep breath and then I looked over at Tina.

"Marty", I said in a slow way to make sure he understood ever word like an angry teacher would their worst student, "Don't you ever, that means ever, touch me again". His hands would then quickly leave my shoulders. If Tina wasn't there, I swear to six pound, three ounce Baby Jesus I probablly would have turned around in my stool and kicked Marty straight into the cigarrete machine, then clutched up with a chair for any other takers. Instead, I got up and took my leave of the bar that I truly wish would burn into the ground. I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

Like I said at the begining of all of this is that I really am a nice guy. Truth be told, I'll be the first to admit that I am nothing but a teddy bear. I would really whether just sit down and talk it out instead of skinning my knuckles and getting dirt and blood on me. I am too old and too tired and somedays, I can't fight a cold. I couldn't beat and egg. There are times where I can't even whip inflation. But out there are stupid people who  roam this earth and some of them should be eradicated as they drink too much, talk too loud, drive gas guzzlers, work in corporate offices or run a country in the ground for eight years. At some point, if that stupid person gets you in a corner and tries to give you a titty twister, by God you'll want to come out swigning too, I'll bet you.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sam, please say it with me now: "It's going to be alright." Truly, it will. Maybe not right away, but eventually.
And thanks for looking after me.
with love, Tina