Friday, November 28, 2008

Why I'm glad to be broke today...

NEW YORK – A Wal-Mart worker was killed Friday after an "out of control" throng of shoppers eager for post-Thanksgiving bargains broke down the doors at a suburban store and knocked him to the ground, police said.
At least four other people, including a woman eight months pregnant, were taken to hospitals for observation or minor injuries, and the store in Valley Stream on Long Island closed for several hours before reopening.
Nassau police said about 2,000 people were gathered outside the store doors at the mall about 20 miles east of Manhattan. The impatient crowd knocked the man to the ground as he opened the doors, leaving a metal portion of the frame crumpled like an accordion.
"This crowd was out of control," said Nassau police spokesman Lt. Michael Fleming. He described the scene as "utter chaos."
Dozens of store employees trying to fight their way out to help the man were also getting trampled by the crowd, Fleming said. Witnesses said that even as the worker lay on the ground, shoppers streamed into the store, stepping over him.
Kimberly Cribbs, who witnessed the stampede, said shoppers were acting like "savages."
"When they were saying they had

Well, damn a Tickle Me Elmo this year.

Puttin' Your Foot In It

I hope that yesterday was a good day for you all as much as it was for me. I got my share of turkey and good sides as much as everyone else, thanks to a pre-Thanksgiving buffet that the job had on Monday. There were so many leftovers from it, including two fried birds, ham, seafood dressing, sweet potatoes, mashed potaoes, dirty rice, two types of cranberry sauce, deviled eggs, pies, cakes and banana pudding. Truthfully, it was off the hook. I wound up taking a huge amount of it home being that I wouldn't be going to Anthony's this year since he was going out of town and I had dialysis that day. The cool part about Thanksgiving down South is that we go fool when it comes to the food. It's the same as it is everywhere else across the country, but there's something about good food here on this side of the country that brings everybody out for the fun with no dysfunction whatsoever around the table. Maybe because we're all too busy eating, bless our souls. Which brings us to this...

I just saw this on Ivan ("Pass that broccoli or I'll shiv ya, see?") Shreve's dog and pony show.

Let me explain why I concur with the cartoon.

See, when my dear, sainted mama cooked on Thanksgiving, she did so much that was so good, we would joke and say that Mama put her foot in it. That's why I'm so grateful when I get myself a meal one a year that reminds me of her. If she had made green bean casserole, I may have liked it. But it would have to be the way she made it and no one else. I knew that none of my sisters, aunts or my grandmothers made it. This is why I give it the stink eye. In fact, I really don't think any down South (unless they kind of think they have money) eat the casserole. Then again Ivan, you pull a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving move and serve Atomic Bachelor Nacho Dip. Where's the popcorn and toast, ol' boy? Is Woodstock pouring the root beer?

Speaking of the buffet, everyone had to bring in something making it pot luck. Y'all know I didn't bring in a dang thing but my appetite. Still, our general manager decided to bring something since it's her first time and it's olives and roasted peppers in oil, cold asparagus, and cherry tomatoes and  mozzarella. Not one person touched it. In fact, folks were asking just what the hell those green things where as they thought it was green beans for a quick second. When it was all said and done, she must of felt offended that everyone stayed clear of her dishes and killed everyone else, even the White people. Like I said, down here you better watch you some Paula Deen or the Neelys on Food Network and put your foot in that food before you even think about putting it on that table or you will be embarrassed later.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Freedom From Want: Chicken N' Beer

 Ahhh, Thanksgiving.

The nice cool temperatures, the look of children at the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, the smell of great food. If it weren't for the fact that everything else was so messed up about the holiday, it would be the perfect day. First up, the Whites took the land from the Native Americans and royally screwed them from that point on. Now when it's celebrated, families gather around the table only to destroy relations forever, someone has to say something to piss off somebody in the family after a few slices of turkey, which contains tryptophan, which is a chemical that makes folks sleepy and could cause them to do some dumb crap.

You've seen it before, because it may have happened at your own home. You get the third degree from the 'rents about your future and you tell them that you plan on being a stand up comic one day and your father thinks that you should stick with the family business and become a television repairman because that what he does and he's busted his ass for years to put food on the table and you tell him you don't want to sweat behind a TV and nobody fixes them anymore anyway, so he tells you that you are no son of his and you should jut get up from the table and just get the Hell out of his house for you are an ungrateful bastard and you tell him he can take that turkey leg and sit on it and you leave.

At least, that's how I remember it. I was drunk from the turkey when it happened. It could have been worse. There could have been guns involved, I dunno. My family is friggin' nuts like that.

All of this makes one wonder, what should one do for Thanksgiving when there's no Thanksgiving around? I would think that the average reader of this little piece wouldn't have the chance or opportunity to spend time with the family and won't have the chance to leave the Coastal Empire without the chance to celebrate. For those who've never been in Savannah for the holiday season and is used to a cold, crisp season, well you can just let that go right now. I'll bet you a penny that the temperature gets between sixty and seventy degrees, so other than the streets being quieter than normal it won't feel like your normal holiday. After that has mulled in your head, what should you do then? Well, that is why TV's Sam Johnson in here, kiddo. I got a few ideas that could ensure you have a safe and happy holiday.

ONE: Stock up now. If you go to the grocery store now or at least the night before Thanksgiving and just pick up a few things (turkey breasts, can of cranberry sauce, Stove Top Stuffing, can of veggies of your choosing, pumpkin/sweet potato pie), you should be in the clear. However, this magazine is free and you picked it up from inside The King's Inn or The Jinx or someplace, which means you're cheap and don't like to pay for anything, sooooo…

TWO: Mooch. Look, it is what it is. Somebody's got to be cooking something that day and you just want a plate of green bean casserole (someone tell me why that is a staple in Caucasian homes, please), so the best thing to do is make friends fast if you have none, so you need to do what you need to do to get your Food Jones on. Do this at least one month ahead of time at your local watering hole for your best opportunity and a good seat at the table. Once you're there however, there could be some dysfunction served along with the mashed potatoes, so be warned now before taking this step.

Also, you may have to date below your caste on order to get a good meal. I knew a guy once who dated a girl just to get a hold of her infamous red velvet cake that she only made on Thanksgiving and the moment he finished his slice he told her it was the greatestcake he had ever had and dropped her like a Hot Pocket fresh out of the microwave. Sure, it's cruel and inhumane to dump someone during the holidays, but you gotta eat and there is nothing that is going to come between you and red velvet cake now, is there? By the way, both sexes count in this, so ladies take heed. If his momma cooks that day, dump him on Black Friday.

THREE: Make a party of it. That may be your best bet right there. If you have a group of friends that won't be able to make it to their families that day, then get them together for one big ol' Turkey Day Jammie-Jam. Don't get dressed up because you already know these slackers and are in the same boat as them. Start the day in pajamas with the gang coming over while the parade is on and have some snacks and stuff while the turkey cooks. Everyone volunteers to bring at least one dish enjoy so you don't have to do all the cooking. Hell, if it's your place then you do the bird and they can bring all the sides they want.

Or better still, do what some friends and I did last year and have a chicken and beer party that day. Instead of turkey, a bunch of us got a few boxes of chicken, biscuits and sides from Bojangles on Derene (they were the only chicken joint open that day, so you may not get that lucky), stocked up on a few cases the night before and celebrated the day. By the time it was over, could not leave Wilmington Island, but that was because someone brought a special "desert" just for that night. Good times, good times for all…

FOUR: Wait till the next day. Somebody has to have leftovers on Friday. Sit down, shut up and on the day after, they'll be sick of looking at it clog up the refrigerator and you shall be rewarded. It's kind of like mooching, 'cept different.

I hope that these tips serve you well during the Thanksgiving holiday. These are also good during Christmas, Chanukah and any holiday where lots of food is served (Kwanza never has any good food). As for my plans for the day, I'm going to go with number two as I'll probably have to work that day and I know that my sister-in-law is cooking that day for my brother and their family and they'll have banana pudding for desert and not a green bean casserole in site

Awww, Thanks!

 I guess it's that time again thaw out the turkey and stock up of the Tylenol and Pepto Bismol as friends and families get together for Thanksgiving. This year, I have loads of things to be thankful for. The first thing is my health. I went to my new vascular surgeon this morning and it looks like I'm finally going to have the angioplasty on my leg within the next few weeks, somewhere near Christmas. It shouldn't be to bad as it's day surgerey Thank Pesci, but I'll have to be off my feet for a couple of days. Any day I can get some relax time is a good time to be had.

The second thing is I have a roof over my head. With the economy these days, I'm actually glad we all still have roofs and not stars. You know, as we all live in darkness riding around in gangs wearing leather and fur, fighting in the Thunderdome for our lives while Tina Turner looks on with glee and we have that weird wolf boy with us all the time.

The third thing I'm thankful for is enjoyning what you have. My kid brother Rocky called me today and asked what I'll be doing for Turkey Day and I told him that I have actually dialysis tomorrow and from there, I'm going home. He wondered if our brother Anthony and his wife woud be cooking and I told him no since they're going out of town to see their daughter and her husband. So Rocky asked just how was I planning on getting my bird fill this year? I let him know that I'm perfect as the stations had a Thanksgiving buffet on Monday with all the goodies and sides. When everyone got their fill, there was so much left over that I took loads of it home and filled eleven Ziploc containers, so I'm good. I told him that I'd be alone that day, but I won't be lonely. I'll be stuffed.

Oh, did I forget to be thankfull for you guys as well? Thanks. I'll see you Black Friday. Now for those of you who missed it last year, the most recnet post will have my classic essay published last year in Murmur Magazine, "Freedom from Want: Chicken and Beer".Try not to laugh too hard if you're reading and eating at the same time as you could pop.

"Rated RRRRRRRAH!"


I'm re posting the trailer again for Black Dynamite, first because the version I had was taken down from You Tube and second, when I showed it to Richard from The Comic Box, he couldn't believe it was real. For those of you who think this is the best viral video ever, here's the official synopsis from the movie's website

This is the story of 1970’s action legend Black Dynamite. When “The Man” murders his brother, pumps heroin into local orphanages, and floods the ghetto with adulterated malt liquor, Black Dynamite is the one hero willing to fight all the way from the blood-soaked city streets to the hallowed halls of the Honky House.

When I first saw it, I was actualy surprised at the work put into it, as cheap as it looks ("100 dollar suits! 10,000 dollar cars!"), but it shows that there is still a love for Blaxploitation flicks and Black filmakers as well. I also thought that Zoe Saldana looked a hell of a lot like Pam Grier since Black don't crack. But like I said before, any movie that has Brian McKnight, Arsenio Hall and Captain Kangaroo ain't all that bad. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

no way out...no way out...no way out...no way out...


Sarah Palin to stump with Sen. Saxby Chambliss

ATLANTA (AP) — Georgia Sen. Saxby Chambliss is calling in a closer: Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin will join him for four rallies across the state on the eve of his hotly contested Dec. 2 runoff.

It will mark her return to the campaign trail after her bid as John McCain's vice presidential candidate and a chance to show off some political muscle in a state that backed her GOP ticket with 52 percent of the vote.

Chambliss is running off against Democrat Jim Martin in a race that could help determine whether Democrats have enough votes to block Republican filibusters in the U.S. Senate. The Palin announcement electrified state Republicans in the closing days of the race.

"We've got the wind at our backs," Chambliss said Tuesday at a news conference with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani.

Palin was the little-known governor of Alaska when Arizona Sen. John McCain tapped her as his running mate. She drew enthusiastic crowds on the campaign trail as the first woman to win the Republican nomination for vice president but also faced questions about her preparedness for higher office and her pricey wardrobe.

Still, she emerged from the losing campaign as a popular figure in some conservative circles, fielding book offers, documentary deals and countless interview requests. It's widely expected that she's run for president in 2012.

Palin is popular with Georgia's conservative base, which embraced her image as a gun-toting "hockey mom." The mention of her name at GOP rallies routinely draws louder cheers than that of McCain's. The Chambliss camp is counting on her energizing those voters in the campaign's final hours.

Democrats are just two votes shy of the 60 needed to block GOP filibusters. Georgia is one of two unresolved contests. The other is in Minnesota, where a recount is under way in the race between Republican Sen. Norm Coleman and Democrat Al Franken.

Giuliani argued Tuesday that Chambliss is needed in Washington to prevent Democrats from being handed a "blank check."

"If we give them a blank check, they will sign that check and be taking money out of our pockets," Giuliani said at a news conference where he was flanked by law enforcement and rescue workers.

"This is an election that involves the whole country because of what's at stake."

Martin's campaign on Tuesday hosted Democratic strategist Donna Brazile, Al Gore's campaign manager in his 2000 presidential bid.

Brazile urged those who voted for President-elect Barack Obama to vote again for Martin, saying he would be an advocate for Georgians and a partner for Obama.

Palin's decision to campaign in Augusta, Savannah, Perry and Atlanta for Chambliss is a testament to the race's competitiveness, she said: "Saxby Chambliss is calling out the cavalry because he needs to motivate the base."

Martin's campaign has asked Obama to campaign with him but has received no word yet on whether he will. Obama has recorded a radio advertisement and automated phone calls on Martin's behalf. And about 100 former Obama field operatives are in Georgia working for Martin.

The runoff has drawn a parade of political luminaries, including most of the Republican presidential primary field: McCain, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney have all appeared for Chambliss. Gore and former President Bill Clinton have stumped for Martin.

(Cut to Sam doing spit take.)

WHAT THE HELL?! Dammit, man! Are you trying to kill me?! I was just trying to take a Zyrtec for my cold and you pull out this? My God, man! Are you trying to swiiftboat us all here? Jeez Louise, Chambliss! You have ruined Thanksgiving, Christmas and like, EVERYTHING now! Danggit! God, I can't even breathe now! I NEED AIR! GAWD!


Lord Jesus, Father Father....

Obama Got Back

Well, it's not like we really didn't look, people. Barack is lucky and that woman is just as smart as she is fine. Leave Salon alone, jerks.

Here, deal with this: You who doesn't have back (anymore)? Horatio Sanz. SURPRISE!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Will The Real Sam Johnson Please Sit Down?

Everyone has a name. If we didn't we'd be calling each other "Bub" or Dude" which I'm fine with. I've always had a bit of a fasination with names, especially the funky ones. Not like Apple or Shilo, but names lke Magdelina Babblejack. Earl Hetford. Turd Ferguson. Those kind. However when you have a common name like mine, it's hard to set yourself from the other Sam Johnsons out there.

I've gone through this complaint before. that's why I made the switch from Sam-a-rama to the old/new name. But I decided today (when I should be working on a paper for school) to see how many Sam Johnsons are out there? Well, I looked and I  found a lot. The usual suspects where there. I did find one guy who doesn't even look like a Sam Johnson. He looks more like a Lance or something.

Now this Sam Johnson seems more up to speed, although he's only seven years old. He keps drawing like this, he'll be an art star this side of that elephant in India who paints.
 
Here is another musical Sam Johnson. Okay, he's close, but no cigar. He's a musician, He's Black, but he's created his own sound called Rhythm and Roll. Good luck on that.
This next Sam...Really? Damn
All I know is this. There's a lot of Sam Johnsons out there and I'd like to hear from them What is your Sam Johnson like? Is he, or even she funny or serious? Are they quiet or loud? Do they eat meat or vegetarian? I'd like compare notes with them. If you are a Sam Johnson or you know of a Sam Johnson, drop me an email at Realsamjohnson@gmail.com and let's talk. I promise that there should be no broken time/space continumm broken here.

Some Hot AIr

Here's a pre-Thanksgiving treat. If your around my age, you may remember for a long time that there was a Linus the Lionhearted balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade for years, even though the show stopped running in the late Sixties. Here's the introduction of the balloon, which where interjected into the show from 1964. Linus was a interesting cartoon as it featured the cast from the Post cereal boxes as the stars of the show, including Linus from Crispy Critters, mailman Loveable Truly from Alpha Bits and the one and only Sugar Bear, with stars Sheldon Leonard and Carl Reiner voicing characters. These days with television looking for more and more product placement to make a quick buck, I'm not surprised this crew hasn't made it back on the air.

Triple WIde Trailers

Alright, it's the first post of the day so let's start it off like they do at the movies before the feature starts up. How about the trailer for The Wrestler starring Mickey Rourke? The film is directed by Darren Aronofsky (Memento) has been getting loads of accolades from critics on Rourke's performance. He also seems to be as good a kayfabe (a wrestling term for a good guy) as he is an actor in this drama.



Here's the trailer for Fanboys. This flick should have been out two years ago, buut Mirimax wanted a complete overhaul of the script and it was totally reshot. After an online battle with real fanboys, the company compromised and finally caved in. I will say that some fanoys are like this, but you be the judge.



Here's the trailer of the year in my opinion, Black Dynamite. zLet's take a step back into 1974 as one hard hittin', high kickin' Soul Brotha # 1 gets revenge on the mob guys who killed his own brother and Black Dynamite gets what he wants. This ain't no Undercover Brother right here. Black Dynamite is the bomb (pardon me for that)! BTW, this trailer doesn't play as it's got shootings, explosions, Pam Grier, nudity, the dude who played Spawn, pimp suits, drug references, cheesy acting and Arsenio Hall so don't show the kids.

Friday, November 21, 2008

The Best At What He Does

Wolverine gets named People's Sexiest Man of The Year. I've heard I'm somewhere in the list this time. I should be somewhere between Joe the Plumber and Andy Dick. Don't hold me on it.

Dear Ellen Degeneres...


Congratulations on your doing over 800 shows. I've nearly watched the amount of four seasons worth. I would have watched more, but our local affiliate dropped you for a bit to run other, more crappy shows. Nonetheless, I have been a faithful watcher and have even entered contests on your website.This is where my complaint comes in.

I've noticed that all the prizes you give out go to women. Particularly, women between the ages of 24 to 45. While it's great to those viewers, what about us guys who watch your show? There are men who think your show is great as well and I'll bet you that we'd like to win a Blu-Ray player or a high speed mixer or a really cool foot massager as well as the women out there in television land. It just feels wrong and unfair to us guy viewers out there and I'd thought I'd let you know.

Good luck in the future and the best to you.

Sincerely,
Sam Johnson

How To Keep Busy During The Holidays

I just got my schedule finalized for the next week. Check this out...

Monday-Work, 3-10 pm

Tuesday- Dialysis, 10am-4pm; Work-7:30-10:30pm

Wednesday-Doctors consulting on leg surgery, 8am; Work 3pm until

Thursday-Dialysis,10am-4pm

Friday-Work, 10am-6pm; Kareoke, 7pm until.

Not to mention that I have to make up for an incomplete grade in Composition II since I never got the chance to finish up a paper starting next week. Looks like Thnaksgiving will be a Chicken and Beer day. "Beer" as in "Root Beer", ala Charlie Brown. Wheeeee.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Spam Spanm Spamitty Spam

I've had a confusuing day at the job, so I'm just gonna post this and go home. If you need me, give me a call. Other than that, knowing that Monty Python now has a You Tube Channel makes me feel a bit okay.

I'm gonna go have a chicken pot pie now.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Sing, Child, SIng

If you want the truth, I don't want to talk about bad singers anymore. The one thing that really pisses me off about karaoke is the fact that some people take it too seriously as if they really have the talent and the honestly don't. It's just a good way to pass the time while you get drunk. That's all it is, people. There are no prizes and you can be lucky if you even get applause from the crowd. As for me, there are times when I feel like I really miss singing real songs with live backing. I feel like I lose a lot in the translation of the song because I'm having to read off of a TV screen. For now, I guess I'm stuck playing host to a booze filled verison of Rock Band.

Anyway, Rolling Stone has come out with their list of the 100 greatest singers of all time, which I can totally agree on. There are a few on the lower fifty I would have brought up (Frankie Valli at 80 maybe, but Miss Patti LaBelle at 95? Aw, Hell naw!), but it is what it is. Still, those folks are shades better that the bastards I dealt with over the weekend.

You're dang tootin' I'm still pissed. The truth is that a friend brought someone to meet me at Steed's Friday night to meet me because they wanted to hear me sing and she was single. Now do you see why I'm so mad? I thought so...

Keep On Trekkin', Baby

Here it is: The first true trailer for J. J.Abrahm's Star Trek. Here's what's cool: Sylar/Spock phasing on land, the new Uhura changing clothes and the very fact that Corvettes made it to the future.

By the way, I'm still feeling mentally violated.

Dang You, Dan DiDio!

L.A. Times has an interview with executive editor Dan DiDio of what's going on at DC Comic in the coming year, including a new person in the Batsuit and Superman is out of Action Comics. I hear rumors that the final issue of Final Crisis could be late because DiDio hates the ending written by Grant Morrison as is would chage the company's future plans. I'll be nice since I know of someone who works there and I hope they don't cancel his book, but I do hope that DC gets it right before it's over.

Never Again

I'm not going to talk about how I had to do karaoke over the weekend at another bar other than the one I do on Saturday nights and how horrible it was. I won't talk about how the bartender I dealt with on Friday night was old and drunk and had no teeth. I won't talk about how the equipment didn't work that night for me. I won't talk about the guy who looked like Jim Dangle from Reno 911 and sounded like the guy from Family Guy ("Oh, heyyyyyy!") and how the bar shut down at 1:30 because the bar was empty.

I won't talk about on Saturday about how it got worse. I won't go into detail about the fat cow who said I looked like Al Roker, then sent me a note that said she had a gun and that I should play Pink "or else" and then how I jumped in the mike and told the bovine that I all I got is time and space. Or the new bartender who looked great from the back until you got up close and how she looked like Carol Alt if she had a serious meth problem , then dragged down a South Carolina highway. Or how she wanted to sing "Leather and Lace" by Stevie Nicks and "Turn The Page" by Bob Segar over and over again. Not even how I had to deal with the fact that a deaf man wanted to sing "Friends In Low Places" by Garth Brooks and I mean really sing like Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein.

UPDATE I can't even finish this post, it was so freakin' horrible. There's a lot more where that came from, I swear. There was a jackass named Monte who almost got douche of the year that I can't even write about for fear of tracking him down and taking away his oxygen privliges. I just feel mentally violated and will never do karaoke at King's Inn ever again and that is the truth as written.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Rough News Day

I can't even talk today because I had the worst weekend ever. I'll tell about it tomorrow, but check out this story about Wanka Sykes coming out publicly. Once again, I have been shot down in flames.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Big "Head" Monkees

It's the 40th anniversary of one of my favorite movies, Head starring The Monkees.

Don't start with me, people. I also liked Skidoo for the simple audacity that director Otto Preminger had to cast Groucho Marx as a pot smoking mob boss named "God".

I can't explain the plot to you even if I could, so I'll let Wikipedia do it, since I'm surprised that they even had an entry for it. All I know is that when I met Mickey Dolenz at Dragon*Con this year, he explained that the Pre-Fab Four met up with Jack Nicholson and "wrote" the script. Of course, they did have some special "help". Which is why the movie had Sonny Liston, Annette Funnicello and Frank Zappa in the cast. Timothy Carey is also in the film, so you can see how folks hate it ("ATTA BOY, MIKE" is nearly all he says). Peter Tork has his own version of what happened here, but I don't think it's any really different that what happened to the rest of the group

Like I said, I like the movie as one of the few movies that actually lets you into the Psychedelic Era without the use of LSD. Here's my favorite song from the movie called "The Porpoise Song" written by Carole King and Gerry Goffin that actually bookends the film. Trust me, after the first five minutes it just gets trippier than this.

Who's Watching This Trailer?

Here is the second trailer for Watchmen, coming out March of next year. If you know the book, then you'll smile hard. If you haven't read it yet, borrow it from a friend. Or better still, buy a copy of it, you cheap bastard.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Reader Mail

FROM SOLOMON & RITA JOHNSON
Country: Ivory Coast,
Location: West Africa.
Tel: +22504543369.

Good day,

We know it might be a surprise to you receiving a letter like this from people you do not know but we came to you in good faith. I am Solomon Johnson. I am 20years old while my younger sister Rita Johnson is 18years old.We are the only children of Mr. and  Mrs. David Johnson Our late father David Johnson , died and left us and our mother Mrs Rosemary Johnson who was later killed.  My late father Chief David Johnson

Within a year of my fathers death, my Mother Mrs.Rosemary,was killed by hired killers, after my mother was killed my fathers lawyer called I and my younger Sister to hand over my late fathers documents to us. after my fathers lawyer have handed over the documents to me, our uncles started demanding for the Documents of my late fathers wealth.I now called my fathers lawyer, he came and told my uncles that my father made a will that all his properties belongs to his children.

After my fathers lawyer have made that statement my uncles started fighting against us to an extend he went and arranged for hired killers to kill I and my younger sister.The first time they came to our home when I wasn't around,my younger sister Rita was shot and two of our security men was killed also before the police men came, they had escaped, that made us to park out of the compound we thought it will be over that way but it continue happening, that makes us to stop going to school.Because we are afraid let something not happen to us in school premises,That is the reason why we contacted you as an honest person so that you can help us in transferring my late fathers money into your bank account.

The said fund is ($10.500,000) Ten million five hundred thousand United State Dollars. US ,has been deposited into one of the banks in Abidjan Cote D Ivoire . I will be greatful if you  can tell me the percentage  that will be  suit for  you after transferring this  money in your accounts successfully and after  this transfer  you are going to send to us a letter of invitation  so that we can come over to your country and continue our education. Please do your best to help us and God will bless You.

Please, Consider this and get back to us as soon as possible by telephone +22504543369.

Thank you so much. My regards to your family.

My sincere regards,
SOLOMON & RITA JOHNSON.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Dear  Solomon & Rita,

Good Luck on that. Now look it up and suck it.

My regards to my cousins.

Sam "Kid Jello" Johnson

More Bacon Porn

Okay, so I think Bacon Pancakes will sell like you-know-whats.But here's something I would have never thought existed. Bacon in a can. If you think that's wild, check out here what it looks like after being unopned for twenty years. And it's still good to eat.

Finally, this one is for Randy who wondered when this turned into a sex talk blog. So why not mix the two? Just once, of course. 'Cause it's wrong nine ways to Sunday.

Here Ye, Here Ye!

Let it be known here today that Thomas Aloysius (I don't know his middle name) Houston, better known to others (a few folks) as House has been nominated for membership into The League of Savannah Bloggers. The League consists of only two members,Former Exalted Grand Poo-Bah Ivan G. "Don't hog that last donut" Shreve, Jr. and myself. However, with Ivan now in Athens, Georgia it makes him Member Emeritus, something he's be wanting to be for years ever since the Bonnie Franklin Fan Club shut it's doors without word and bilking its membership out of hundreds of dollars. Therefore, the League is down a member. Although, anyone else wishing to join can sign up via email here. All in favor of Thomas joining the League say "AYE"!

Three things...

1. This Friday, I go for my evaluation for a kidney transplant and the Lap Band with Piedmont Hospital. Piedmont is based in Atlanta, but they have a satellite unit here in Savannah so I hope it all goes well. My primary M.D. told me today that my cholesterol is low at 80, which is fantastic. That leads to...

2. I saw a lot of comments about Monday's deep fried bacon post and I'll bet everyone who saw it drooled like Pavlov's dogs. I found a blog that posts as they put it, "one bacon recipe per day, everyday, forever". That makes them the Bubba Blue of bacon. Or you could just be hypnotized over this sexy shot...


3. Entertainment Weekly has a shot of the new Enterprise for J.J. Abram's new Star Trek. After some of the shots I saw and watching last night's Fringe, which was co-written by Abrams, I know it's under good hands.
UPDATE You that that the above is cool, check this out.

Monday, November 10, 2008

AHHHH, Bacon

I am in a bit of a pissy mood at the moment and it all spells "MISSING MY IPOD THAT I WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN, EVER". But to cheer up, I created a new email address for anyone who wishes to get in touch with me about the blog with the simple address realsamjohnson@gmail.com . In other words, if I get mail for the other Sams, you'll see it here.

Something even better to cheer us all up as well is the greatest food known to mankind and how one restaurant has upped the ante' onn how to serve it. Ladies and gentlemen, is it a great pleasure to show you DEEP FRIED BACON WITH DIPPING GRAVY.

This is wrong, it's so right.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Meet Danny Obama

Okay, this is the last, LAST Political post and if you're gonna do the final say, you may as well let the gang at South Park do it for you. All I know is, if all the hope Obama and McCain was talking about was a diamond, we may all be in trouble.

The Last Political Post (for now)

An important thing to remember whenever you go into your neighborhood bar/pub/drinking establishment is never talk religion and politics because it could start fights. Plus, it's never really good to talk to anyone once they've had booze in their system. My friend Guinness Dave is good for that. It usually starts at 11PM when I'm trying to go to bed and he's got Billy Bragg cranked up at home. Oh, and if you have a friend with an alcoholic themed surname, you're just stuck. Did I mention that before?

My point of this post is to say that after today I am done talking politics for a long time. The whole election process took twenty months and I didn't really get rolling into it until late August, which really how long the politicos should do it next time to make up for the long winter they gave us. Still, everyone was talking about who would and deserved to be the next president from the reporter on the 24 hour news channel to the armchair pundit. There were folks coming out of the woodwork who wanted their say and I was one of them and now that it's all said and done so am I. I know that Pal Ivan feels the same way as I do and has mentioned it in this post and I am now doing the same as he. By the way,  we Blacks are not really planning to do what was stated in the cartoon, but we do love to freak out the conservatives ( a.k.a stuck up White people). However if this is going to be the last political post for a while, I'm going out with a doozy of a story.

As we can all read, the title of the blog is The Real Sam Johnson Show which is called that because there are millions and millions of Sam Johnsons out there as it is a common name. Some use their powers for good, such as the Sam Johnson who runs SC Johnson, while others use thier powers for darker things like politics. I know that there is a there's a state representative with the name in Texas and I hold no grudge against the man or anyone else. It's when I get email for the other Sams that drive me loco. I just happen to get this one on Wednesday...


Hi Sam,


Congrats on your ANC win. Below is my contact info. I would be happy to meet with you. Our office is located at 13th and K Street NW. If you're free at the end of the week, let me know and maybe we can get lunch together.


Paul D Craney
Executive Director
DC Republican Committee

As you may imagine. I was tickled blue.

After laughing my bum off, I investigated and found out there's a Sam who is an elected member of the Advisory Neighborhood Committee for Ward one in Washington, D.C. To be honest, when I get get mail for the other Sams, I leave it alone. For the most part I don't even open them on fear that I could be reading something that isn't for my eyes. One of these Sams could be a secret agent and I could be liquidated if I saw codes that weren't for me.to see. But I figured I got nothing to lose but time and space and soooo...

Hi Paul,


Thanks for the email. I don't know what next week will bring, but I would like to sit down with you and talk about the issues. I'll try to give you a call on Monday and arrange a time.


Sam Johnson

I got an email back from Mr. Craney saying that he was in Massachusetts for a long weekend and will return this week. Now, I'll be honest with you. I should not have done sent a reply to the man, but in my little victory dance I had on Wednesday I couldn't help myself and for that I apologize. Still, I was the first Sam Johnson with a Gmail account and everyone else should get over it if I read their stuff. As for the DC Republican committee, perhaps I should give them a call and and actually talk about the issues we face today. We may live in different cities and support different parties, but we're talking and that's good. I think this is what Obama wanted us all to do in the first place.

So I'm done with politics, for now at least. For the rest of the Bush administration,
I plan on getting ready for the big party on January 20th. I'll throw off anyone who wants to talk about the election by mentioning that we now have our first Hawaiian president to throw them off their track and walk away quickly. I'm spent. But as cool as the other side of the pillow as Barack Obama is, the moment he does something crazy, The RSJS will be there to joke on him. I mean, I really don't want be the one to be the guy to post "Obama is the first Black president to choke on a pretzel" but someone has to. Better me than Sean Hannity.

Friday, November 07, 2008

And Now...

Because I have nothing to talk about today after training someone new for Tuesdays and Thursdays and I am all politicked out for now (wait until Sunday where I will have a DOOZY of a post), I'm just gonna run some cartoons today. Now laugh! You can do that now! It's legal!





Wednesday, November 05, 2008

The Day After

Yeah, I guess I'd look like that too if I had a big party like he haad last night. It's actually from a Time Magazine slideshow I saw. That photo is going to say a lot about what it could be like for the man in the next few years.

I'm glad that he won, after all I voted for the guy but now the pressure begins. As soon as I had my first cup of coffee this morning, all my conservative friends called me up and wanted to know what I thought. My asnwer was, "What the Hell do you think"? Then I started to hear their bitching and angriness of the night before. "Oh sure, I'll support our President but I don't like them because of his Socialist views." I also heard a woman this morning on The CBS Early Show say that as well. To all you conservatives out there who are so freaked out:

1. Last night in his victory speech, Obama said, "You may not have voted for me, but I am your president". That meant in no simpler terms, get over it. Now let's work together and pull up your pants.

2. I'll bet you'll never watch a Robin Hood or a Zorro movie the same way again because they were Socialists, too. I hope that screws with your burrito while you read that.

By the way, the woman who said that was from Marieta, Georgia. Georgia may be a Red state, but Savannah is Blue. Like I've said before, we don't ask what church you go to, we just wanna know what you want to drink.

Anyway, anyone looking for change overnight is gonna have to wait for a bit. President-elect Obama (Damn, that still sounds good) has to find the right people for the job and I do hope that he makes some good choices for his cabinet. Then, you can expect them to sit down around the table and get cracking on many an interesting item.

Wow. The first Hawiian President. We're gonna have a luau at the Inagulation!

Meet The New Boss, WAAAY Much Better Than The Old Boss

I stayed at work long enough to hear President-Elect Obama (Wow, I can't believe I just typed that in) give his victory speech. I saw McCain's as well, saying that "the fault was mine" for losing. You knew that McCain and Palin were grasping at air in the last few weeks and could come up with nothing. Still, a very classy consession speech in all.

As for the new president, this speech was glorious. You could not want any less from an honoralbe man like you heard tonight. Obama reached across party and racial, young and old, all Americans tonight and I think he made his intention clear with this address. You could see the tears in the eyes of so many people in the crowd, including Oprah, who have come so far to get to this point and who thought maybe two years ago a moment like this would never happen and now it has. It's something like this that makes me wish my Mama was here to see this now. She would have danced in joy. Somewhere, maybe there's many a fallen hero doing that now.

Well, I better get home and get some rest. Wednesday is a brand new day. I got my gig back with more hours and loads of work to do. Plus, The View is on tomorrow. You know I'm gonna watch what happens now.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Thank You

TV Party!

I'm here at work tonight producing one of the syndicated shows that happens to be running a special election show. No party here, really. Just a box full of bbq and teriakyi wings and a soda. I don't know how this is going to turn out and like Obama said, let's not count ourselves winners yet. So, I'll sit here and wait it out until the numbers are correct.

Now stop reading this and get back to the news. I'll check in later.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

VOTE!

If you read my scary story earlier, you said that I went in to vote early. I knew that I had to do my civic duty and I wanted to get my voice heard as all Americans should, but I wouldn't be able to do it on Tuesday because that day is Dialysis Day and I knew that I wouldn't be able to make it to the polls afterward. That day, the sun was out and it was actually nice and warm for a Halloween day but that's what it's like in my town.

The thing that surprised me when I got to the polling center wa sthe line. When I pulled into the parking lot, I could see a nice little line forming but I couldn't find a parking spot. I wound up finding a spot on the curb across from the building, but as I was driving there I noticed that the line was longer and even longer than before. A line of folks had completely wrapped around the entire block waiting to get out there and have their say as quickly as possible. In fact, in early voting in Savannah there were 47, 423 registered voters waiting within one week of the actual date. Now imagine that except you have most of the United States involved.

My personal reason why there have been so many people coming out early is for the simple reason that folks are tired of what's happening to their country. Let's face it, we have gone through eight years of hell with what could be the worst presidential term ever with a clueless leader and a crew who seemed to only care about themselves. We're in a thankless war with a hardworking military who just wants to do their job, an economy that has gone down the tubes, and dealing with corporate classisim who cries for a bailout when they make their own mess like a child when they spill their pablum.

I don't want to tell you who to vote for here, but I will tell you that I voted for Obama. I liked John McCain a lot, pre Maverick days, especially in 2000 and 2004 when he first made attenpts to run for Commander-in-Chief. But the McCain of 2006-2008 seemed like he was grasping at straws, just like his entire party was doing. The fact that he even settled for Sarah Palin felt like it was to placate the women who felt slighted due to Hillary Clinton not getting the Democratic nomination. Palin herself seems now to overshadow McCain as she allegedly is going rogue on the campaign while looking at her own chances of running at for the top during  the 2012 elections. I voted whom I thought is the best man for the job and Barack Obama was that man. I didn't vote for him because he's Black or even half, 1/3 or 3%. I voted for the man because his policies are more sound and correct than John McCain could ever have been. Besides, the only true Maverick I know of is James Garner, hands down.

Americans are getting tired of trying to survive when the government that they are made to pledge to screws them over the coals over and over again. We are in a recession no matter what pundits say and we are doing our damnedest best to deal with trying to support our families, our troops and ourselves as a people and the current White House and the Republican Party just doesn't get it anymore and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to try and make my bills every month. I'm tired of having to pay out expensive medical bills and medicine. I'm tired of wondering if I'll even have a job the next day after I get out of dialysis. I make say that I have nothing to lose often because of my ailment, but Americans are losing everything now. To paraphrase the man, I voted for Barack Obama and I hope you support his message this Tuesday.

Best Person...IN THE WORLD!

Last night on SNL, Ben Affleck returned to host the show and did his best work since Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, especially doing spoof of MSNBC's Countdown. I'll admit to liking Keith Olberman, but even sometimes he can go way over the top for me. That can sometimes make for great comedy when it comes to Olberman's blusterings. I just can't wait to see what Keith have to say about it and his hatred for cat genocide  on Monday night's show.



While I'm at it, I'll also stand in support of my friend Thomas Houston (prospective member of The League of Savannah Bloggers)and his enjoyment of watching The View. You may be surprised of how many guys secretly watch the show. I watch patiently for the day that Whoopi gets up from her seat and slaps the livin' daylights out of Elizabeth, but I'll wager that Barbara will beat her to it. The scenario could look something like this...

All Hallow's Eve

Yeah, Happy Freakin' Halloween.

I would have posted on Friday, but it truly became a frightening day for me. A day so over the top that your hair would stand on end and your blood would curdle in fear from what happened to me. Do you dare to listen to my sorrowful tale? Well, pull up a seat kiddies and let your old Uncle Sam tall you a story that will put you in...SUSPENSE! 

That intro was for The Retropolitan and Ivan.

My day started quite normally. I went out and voted that day which I will talk about in my next post. After I did that, things began to change very swiftly. It started and ended at work, which I was very happy to to to that day after doing my civic duty so I could tell my fellow co-workers. When I got there however I found out that wasn't needed that day, which kind of irritated me as I could have just stayed home and no one called me ahead of time to let me know. However, I did stay around long enough to do a favor for the general manager by making a run to pick up a check from a ad client out in the hamlet of Pooler, which just outside of Savannah.

I was given instruction by the sales assistant of who the client was and where the company was located by going to Google Maps. I split as quickly as I could as it was 4:30 and Friday drive time traffic would be ridiculous. I followed the map as closely as I could until I realized for some reason that the address and the directions on the map didn't jive, especially as I was heading down I-95 South to get to Pooler and I should have been going towards I-95 North instead.

I quickly picked up the phone and made a call to the sales assistant to let them know that Google Maps suck balls and so do they. When I finally got them on the line, I told them the situation and give me the right address when suddenly, my phone ran out of minutes!

So kiddies, are you scared yet? The worst is yet to come...

I turned the car around and quickly jumped back on to the highway, weaving and dodging through traffic at a safe speed like a lightweight MMA fighter and finally made it into Pooler in record time. Now all I had to do is find this place without having an actual address number. I make my way down the main strip, doing my best to find this place looking on both sides of the road and not looking like a goofball in a SUV with a radio station logo silk screened all over it. After forty minutes of driving up and down and finally gettig directions from a beautifil woman who worked at a fitness club (there's always a beautiful woman in a scary story). I finally found my destination. A destination that had closed at FIVE P.M. and it was FIVE THIRTY!

(Cue kids singing that scary song you hear in all those freaky flicks.)

I took a deep breath, let out a "really" and drove back to the job angry and tired, but at least I know that did what I was asked and it was all that mattered. This is now where the M. Night Shamylan twist comes into play. Get ready for it...

Earlier when I got to the job, I brought in my magazines and my Ipod that took with me to the polling center while I waited for my turn. It's actually the first video players Apple made, which I picked up from a pawn shop for a good price. It 's not shiny and new, but it was mine and I'm quite happy with it since it holds my music and old commercials that would get online. Sometimes, it's just great to just have something to keep you smiling when you need a pickup. Anyway, I had left my Ipod in the sales room in an empty cubicle that no one was using under my magazines. When I returned from my run and gave the G.M. the bad news, I proceeded to leave and pick up my things when I noticed that my Ipod was missing from where I left it. I suppose you can imagine the horror from that.

I searched the buidling up and down but there was no trace of it anywhere. I even went back to the station SUV to see if I had taken it with me by accident, but I knew that I didn't. I felt hurt, upset and violated. To work anywhere, even in a professional place of business like this and theft happens, it ruins the moral of the company and mine where destroyed that day. I let the G.M. now what happened and she was very sympathetic with me, promising me that on Monday a memo along with a vocal reminder would be given to the entire staff of what occured and that if anyone knows of the Ipod's whereabouts to return it post haste to her. I stipulated that there be no questions asked be added, but do have a few that I'd like to know. Like, "What the f*** where you thinking? Did you think you would f****** steal from me and get away with it"? those kind of questions, afterwhich there would be a major asswhoopin'.

I would have posted on that day right after that, but I was too upset. I talked to my friend Guiness Dave today and he reminded me that I shold write what I feel for it's always the best work. Really, all that would have come out that day would have been "DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE. DIE, you thievin' b**** a** m**** f****, DIE ON CHRISTMAS DAY IN AN ELECRTICAL FIRE" and it would have been horrible. So, I went out and got drunk. A reminder: Never let a hot bartender you may know dressed in a very skimpy pirate outfit jump on you with her legs wrapped around your waist, then proceed to give you a drink called a Screaming Nazi when all you want is just a Coke to ease the pain of the day.

Is there a moral to this scary story, kiddies? There is never a moral in a horrorific tale. Sometimes, the evil monster/demon/robot/alien/crazy person under the stairs is destroyed and their spirit is now free. Othertimes, studios just make Saw V for no other reason but to make more money and to freak people out. so the fright will continue. No matter what, be afraid for no matter where you go or what you do, around any corner lurking in your shadows may be the weird, strange feeling of ...SUSPENSE!

Good night. Pleasent...Dreams?

(Cue squeeky door closing.)

Final Opus

Today was the finale of Berkeley Breathed's Opus comic strip, ending an nearly thirty year run with the cartoon penguin. My own penguin Carl Wintergarten has decided to take a much needed rest and has taken the high road with his hero as well. The strip is very melencholy as you can see, but there is final, final strip that appears at the Humane Society's website that was also a contest for fans to write in what should be Opus' farewell be and the winner will get $10, 000 dollars donated to their local animal shelter. I think Carl and Opus would be happy with the outcome.