Thursday, April 09, 2009

Dear Miley Cyrus...



Welcome to Savannah, Georgia. Let me introduce myself. My name is Sam Johnson, a lifelong citizen here in what we call The Coastal Empire. We're pretty happy here in our little city and think it's wonderful here. We welcome all who come here with iopen arms and hope they have a wonderful time as they visit. All of that being said, let me cut to the point of this welcome.

You and your Hollywood people mess up my city or so help me God, we will thrwo bad juju on your little movie.

Let me explain: Word got you about your new movie you'll be filming in towm, "The Last Song", written by the guy who wrote The Notebook. While not my favorite movie (in truth as a crybaby chick flick, I would rather eat razors dipped in witch hazel), I understand that you wish to further your career by stepping away from Hannah Montana. Good for you. But there are rules when it comes to Savannah and we expect you to abide by them. Please Google my site to find over 100 of them.

I will say that I am happy thaty we have a major motion picture being filmed here, but we know how you Hollywood types are when you get here. You trash our town with garbage, you block our traffic in the squars, you treat our people like we're backwards country folks. I will admit that there are some folks like that here, but do not take us for granted. Keanu tried that here in 1999 with The Gift. We left him drunk in a bar for days. Kenneth Branaugh lost his accent for The Gingerbread Man and never regained it. EVER. Don't even let me tell you what happened when they did Midnight in The Garden of Good and Evil in the town that made the book famous. Clint Eastwood refuses to talk abou it now.

See, we don't give a durn that that film a movie here. Well, we do as it's good for the economy . Also, Savannah if full of hams who wish they could be in the movies. Oh yeah, after Forest Gump touched Amercia for over 100 million, we stopped playing around. See our agent, Jay Self.

So come on down and film your movie here, Little Miss Cyrus. But by all that is holy, if you take up my parking spot downtown while i go pay my electric bill so you can let the frickin' paparazzi take a shot of you going into Smoothie King, I will march down to where ever you film and dress up like Hannah Barbera or whatever you play and sing "Acky-Breaky Heart" at the top of my lungs. So help me if I don't do it, I know a few drag queens who will. Not really well, of course. I mean, I know of some folks who may know some folks, alright?

Welcome to Savannah, my town. don't mess it up. Enjoy your stay.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

How To Make Any Website Better (including this one)

Just add bacon. Yep, like this, or this or this. Remember the two things Uncle Sam has taught you in life: Bacon goes with everything and monkeys are funny. I wonder if they go good with bacon? Maybe not.

"99 and a half won't do..."

A couple of years ago, the Savannah Morning News printed they thought should be the 99 rules for living in Savannah. Now, while I thought that it was right on the button and written well by the late Gene Downs, I also felt that somethings were missing and so I came up with some addendums for the list right afterward. This morning, I had breakfast with a friend of mine named Kellyn at Cleary's on Habersham & 63, While over great food, we got to talking about how quirky this town is, as she is from Nebraska. It got me to thinking about that list of 99 and maybe I should add just a few more things. Let's try these on for size, Coastal Empire:

"Lordy, I just got Facebook. Now I can see everybody I just saw at work online drunk as a skunk for St. Pat's!

Middleground Road used to be two lanes, 35 MPH and folks drove at 45MPH. Now Middleground is four lanes 35 MPH and folks drive 35MPH.

This time out, WJCL and Fox 28 are going to keep this news team for a bit longer than six months. They had that reality show.

Speaking of which, if you see that Ruby lady outside of McDonough's at 11 pm with a bunch of folks, it's just the Style Network folk plotting the next seasson. Pay no attention. To them or the show. Publicly, of course, as you don't watch reality tv. Bless her heart.

If you really have to have a Guiniess beer, go to Leopold's Ice Cream parlor and order a Guiniess ice cream. You'll be glad you did.

We love our sweet tea, but now we can get it by the fifths? AMAZING.

I know there's more out there about Savannah. Someone will let me know soon. Bless their hearts.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Some Like It Hot

Here's something I'll bet you never thought about: Is the way you like yuour chili the way yuo live your life?

No, this is not an April Fool's Joke.I may go off on a rant about some crackpot ideas, but this one is a good one. I promise.

I was talking to a friend on the phone yesterday when I told her that I was planning on making a bowl of ol' Texas Red the way I like it. So I made mention that the was way you like your chili says a lot about you. She kind of laughed about it and thought it was kooky. But, I explained thhat it actualy makes sense when you think about it. Yes, I have that much free time on my hands amid all the madness. It was either this or I try to debunk the myth that people really do think Lady Gaga has talent.

Now here's the way I decipher it and if you choose to believe so as well, then you must be a chili lover and you are just as nuts as I am.


If you like your chili with beans, then you're the type of person who believes in the old fashioned way Mama used to make. That makes you a traditional person who believes that the old way are still the good way. There's nothing wrong with that, I would guess. Although, I'd do my best to eat it in a room with open windows.

If you like your chili without beans, then it means you're a no frills kind of person. The kind that doesn't need all the bells and whistles to make themselves happy. You also have lots of friends for to eat chili with in an open room with no windows.

Spice is important with it comes to the chili.There are those who like their chili as hot as the sun. Those are folks who live their lives on the edge. The troublemakes, the danger seekers, the ones who sat in the back of the school bus and set off firecrackers. You wanted to sit at the back of the bus with those guys, but they knew you couldn't hang with them. They gave you a chance but you said,  "Naw. I'd better not so I don't get busted. But I will cover for you." That kid was the one who likes a little spice in his or her life, but they knew that if they get too hot, all Hell would break loose. It's bet to leave the fire to the to the firemen. Those kids live life like there's no tomorrow and eat their chili until they're red in the face.

As for the kids who sat at the front of the bus next to the driver because their mothe rtold them to? Those are the wussies, punks, chickens and pussies who eat what they call chili mild. In fact, if it doesn't have a spice mix of pakrika, cumin, garlic, cayanne, and oregano which is the basis of all chili mixes, then it's a soup. You can add whatever you want to it and yet you cannot take away from it. To do that and you could be banished to sit next to Fat Funky Floyd the School Bus Driver the moment it starts getting hot. You want it spicey, sit next to that sweaty lout for a good bit.

I'm not gonna lie to you that I had a good friend, a REALLY GOOD FRIEND whom I knew for years and years. One day, my Really Good Friend decided that he was going to make chili and he was a master of the Red and asked if I'd like some. "Sure", I says and really good freind starts to make the chili. First, he brings out the frying pan. RIght there, that sends off a Spider-Signal to my brain that something ain't right.

He then proceeds to brown the ground beef, which is okay. There are times where I don't use hamburger for my chili. There are momnts when I like to get all Dr. Frankenstein and throw in some beef for stew, sausage or even ground turkey, but only if I'm that desperate for chili as I hate ground turkey. Either eat it on a sandwich or Thanksgiving, just leave it out of MY food. If Really Good Friend had only done the ground turkey. No.

Really Good Friend then brings out the King of Chili Mixes, Carroll Shelby's Original Texas Brand Chili Mix.. Now, there are those that have their own speical mix and I can't deny that they have the best mix to dump into the pot. But Craroll Shelby's wa sthe first one to come out that had the mix of spice and as much flavor as you want because you could add as much as you liked it. You wanted to use the cayanne, then use it. If you wanted to go all the way, rip the pack open and let fly. This could only come from a top race driver and the only person who could make a Ford Mustang even cooler than what came off the Detriot assembly line. You would think that Really Good Friend would realize that fact. No, he does not.

He opens up the pack and throws in only half the spice bag. That's it just half the spice bag. No masa flour to thicken it. No cayanne to kick it up a notch. Not even salt to flavor. Just ground beef, tomato sauce and half a frickin' bag of spice It wasn't even "chili" at this point. It was a wack-assed sloppy joe mix. It wasn't even worth putting on three day old weenie at an Alabama truck stop at four in the morning on a drive to Cincinati. It had the taste of nothing It was as bland, as boring, as lifeless and as pathetic as my Really Good Friend. From that slice of time, I never really knew Really Good Friend at all. I haven't spoken to him since that horrible night.

What I have transpired to you today is something that we should all sit down and ponder upon. If you really think about this, then it may explain why the epople you know are the people they are. I mean, this is reallyinteligent stuff I thought about. If your family member refuses to even look at a bottle of hot sauce, what does say about you, huh? That's right, live your life to the fullest! Get a little zing! Put some pop in your popper!

I now air my apartment out and overcome some of the fumes I may have ingested from my crock pot yesterday. Yeah, you think abut a lot when you make chili, boy. Deep stuff.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Do Not Golytly Into The Night

NOTE: The following deals with the medical procedure known as colonoscopy, which is no joke. If you are over fifty and haven't had yours done, then see your doctor soon and set up an appointment. If I have to go through this now, then the rest of you had better get off your collective arses and do it, too. Hey, The Fonz got kids to read. I'm just doing my part.

So the one thing that I'm glad to have as I've mentioned before is time. On Friday, I was able to DJ a wedding reception before I did karaoke. Now I should say that I did the reception at the bar, to which I'd never done before. I also need to add that it was an open bar and bride and groom invited everyone that they knew to the party, giving the word to folks on Tuesday evening of that week, only one day that the groom was released from a stay at the Graybar Lodge for a DUI then got the great idea to get married. Of course the third layer of this wedding cake is that this is his third marriage. I think we call see with a huge spotlight and neon signs pointing out the obvious just how the whole thing turned out.

The cool deal is I got paid, so I'm not complaining. We also have a pool going to see how long relationship is gonna go down. I got six months and seventeen days.  I may as well use some of this guy's money to make more dough off of him.

Now today, after a wonderful day yesterday, including meeting up with my sister Terri, her mom and my two nephews A.J. and Randy, I'm having a a semi-Lazy Sunday. The "semi" meaning that I wil be busy today prepping for a "medical proceedure" on Monday. That's right, people: It's time for the Bi-Annual "Spring Cleaning" Event.

I've just bulldogged my first cold glass of Golytly, which is used to help facilitate the "proceedure" tomorrow for the doctor to do his thing. This will have been the third time that I've gone thru this and for the record, it truly blows. But you have to do what you need to do to get healthy. The part that stinks is that yuo have to guzzle down an entire gallon of crappy liquid and plan your day around going to the loo every few minutes. Thank Jeebus I live alone, otherwise I would have thrown everyone out of the apartment with threats of chaos and mayhem and other foul stuff. Really foul.

I should be okay as the doctor I have has done the same with me for over the past few years. I would guess that makes me faithful to the one man who has seen me at my most upfront and personal, so to speak. I've trusted Dr. Hathaway this far and he's taken care of my needs. I could go on and on with this scenario, but let's not really go there. Let's not get into any fan ficiton here. Although, he did give me flowers at my last follow up.

Kidding.

Well, I need to leave. I have to continue to drink every ten minutes until it's all gone. I cut it with Tang as I always do so I can at least feel as though I get something worthwhile out of the deal. Just remember that whatever happens that I love you all and I shall think of everyone emmensly as I take this trip into darkness. At least I think I changed the lights in the bathroom. I better check to see if the TV reaches into the water closet as well.

Friday, March 27, 2009

It Just Doesn't Matter

Now that I can sit for a good spell to do things important to me, such as breathe, I can now find out what's going on out there in the world. So far I'm gone to all the news sites t o check the day's headlines. We really did elect a Black president, USA Today says!. Wow, I am that far out of the loop.

"Octomom" has fourteen kids? Welcome to my family, America. By the way, the woman's lips look like she was in a disco and got into a fight with Denny Terrio. Yeah, I said it. That's not lipo, that like somebody shoved five piece cotton bedset inside of them.

 I don't think the headlines are what I want see at the moment. None of it matters to me at this point. I'm nmow glad that I can sit for a moment and now plan on how to spend my Sping Break before going back to class.  Looking at apartment right now, A good Swiffer of the flor sounds good. I have the Wet Jet so that way I don't have to sweep and mop. It's kind of like kiling two birds with one stone or just burning your house down so you don't have to clean it. Which I can't do here really because the place has four other families in it and it's made of brick.

The next thing to be done is get together some decent manuscripts for the book After the confidence of my wiritng courses I can sit down now and nitpick over what goes in, what gets edited and what stays out. For that matter, this post won't be going in and that's the truth. I need to get my sea legs back so for the next couple of days this place won't be pretty.

Skeaking of sea legs, I started out at the gym on Wednesday, just a few hours before the Big Test. What I thought would be just be meeting my trainer, Jess and a simple evaluation  of what I need to be working on turned into a full blown mini-workout. I stepped on an elliptical machine for the first time in five years and wound up giving Jess a ten minute rep, going backwards while in street clothes. Just for the record, you all will hear Jess name constantly here at the blog for near future. Although the gym and Jess' help is free thatnks to a health charity, it doesn't mean that I will not be cursing her name high above becasue my calves and thighs burn like a mother father. Oh yeah, I better look good and tone when it's done. "Feel the burn" of deez nuts.

Otherwise at this point, nothing else matters. I'm ready to face the day and get going in an all new mode: Me mode. I'm happy as I've ever been and feel as relaxed and energized to kick out the jams. It's time to step out of my apartment and face the day with the biggest smile I've had in a long time.

Then again, I think I better shave and put some pants on before I leave. I look like shite right now. Yeesh.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

In Our Last Episode...

Our hero, who would be me, had just parted ways with the only true love of his life, Radio, after she turned her back on him. Now with a new found freedom he hasn't felt since shaving his head with menthol shaving cream, he then embarked on a new adventure: Finishing a critial essay for his final writing class and completing his Winter quarter of his Sophomore year in college.

Well, they're all done as of today. I got to school two hours early to finish up any pargraphs I had to straighten out after two previous draft, including updating references. Aftwerwards, I then took my Compostition III final, in which I had two essays to write, long hand. In the e\n\d, I was tired, hungry and needed a Slushie. Yet, I stood my ground and the task was done. I had completed my Winter quarter.

I will tell you this little tidbit that will make you smile. I got to see my final grade for Comp III on Monday and for the record, if there was a letter higher than an A, I would have walked Hell and high water to get to that point if it meant I had to give it all up to graduate. And, I'd do it all over again.

Now excuse me. I need rest as I have a blog to catch up with.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I Am A Quitter

I'm sitting here in one of the classrooms here at South University today posting this with the laptop I use for my karaoke gig. It's nice to just sit back in the peace and quiet and write for me. I'm not surrounded at home by distractions like, say a television. Alhthough, now I will have more time to sit back in my busted recliner and catch up with the daily adventures of Victor Newman. Is that guy even still on the soaps?

At effectively 6:15 P.M. on Wednesday, March 18th, I gave electronic key and the finger to (and let's give it up for) the management at Cumulus Radio. It turns out that after so many years of learning how to maintain a steady workplace, some people didn't stick around for the class about how to communicate with employees. They decided to go to the snack bar for free donuts. Others decided to just eat all the donuts and screw the classes all together.

When you're faced with an economy where unenployment is at an all time low, there can be be some worry at the workplace when a person wonders if his or her job is in jeopardy. Will they be able to take care of their loved ones properly or could they lose it all and face the dark, cold world with nothing but the shirts on their backs and only their pride. Some seem not to care if it's the other guy who loses, so long as they can pay their bills and live the life that they're used to. This, to me feels to be the consperiacy theory that I came up with for the person or persons involved with me quitting.

Then again, what the Hell do I care? I'M FREE! NO MORE RADIO! WHEE!!!

Look, it's been twenty-five years of this. Of the groupies, the free swag, the parties, shaking hands with slimey record reps, getting the shaft from co-workers.

Noticed how it all went from good to bad over time.

I really did have a blast doing the thing I loved so much. I know folks who tried to set out to do the one thing they love only to see them putting it on the shelf so they can handle the bastards out in the real world, which is sush a shame. I got blessed by the age of sixteen to get out of my old man's evil shadow and take the microphone and I never looked back. I went from music format to music format over time and learned how to be the best broadcaster out there, working late nights, weekends, whatever. I went from meeting my college sweetheart to getting gypped into marrying her into finding out she was leaving me. From near death and back, I stuck to radio. And I wouldn't change one damn thing.

I met some incredible people along the way. Good, bad, and just plain ass. It changed the way that I will ever see life. Good times, people. Now, the party's over. Good night, Irene. Turn off the Ramones and power down the tower. It's time to end our broadcast.

As for what will I do now that I'm unemployed? Well, I have a paper that's due to Dr. Stanton in my Composition III class. I have a final to study for Torts and Reforms. I have an appointment to see my trainer at the gym next week for my Cardio so I can lose the weight so I can do a transplant soon. I have a life to live.

I also have a blog to keep up with and friends to hug. Those two things are the ones that I can finally look forward to in these new times.

Goodbye, you dark cloud of a radio company. I wish you success in the future, but I don't think you truly have "magic" I thought you once did back in the day.

Pray that I never get a phone call for what radio station I listen to. XM, just in case you wondered.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

THIS JUST IN....

As of twnety five years of the greatset time in my life I am no longer in radio. This means that I HAVE QUIT. To paraphrase myself "I really do have time and space now". But this time it is worth it.

As soon as I can get to a better PC you will hear my story. Just let me finish this college quarter this week.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Super Villain Bailout

Finals are looming and there's way too much crap going on for me to mention here. Don't believe me, then read last Monday's post (HouseT had the same thought at the same time and posted his version later. He has to be a Skrull. I just know it...). So, I'm gonna post this Funny Or Die clip featuring Mad Men's Jon Hamm as Lex Luthor looking for his own Government bailout. I don't really watch Mad Men, but I have seen Hamm on SNL and 30 Rock and thought he was a great comic actor. But in a bad bald cap, he still funny but not Lex. Maybe he'd be a better Man of Steel instead. Hmmmm...

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Well, did you watch "Watchmen"?

I did. I thought it was just like the book. Thank God I don't have working kidneys so I could see almost all three hours of it.

Wasn't life easy when you were fourteen?

Do you know why this guy is looking to the side? Because although he thinks things are gonna be too cool for high school now, what he don't know is that things are gonna get screwy quicker than he thinks when he gets older. Look out there, bub. People are jackholes, coffee is actually good, go to New York before they talk you out of it and don't let the bullcrap and your old man get to you. Oh, I almost forgot: DON'T MARRY YOUR COLLEGE SWEETHEART. SHE CHEATS ON YOU WITH A GUY NAMED HENRY ONE YEAR AFTER YOU MEET HER.

Monday, March 02, 2009

My Secret Life

When you write something like a blog that can be read by MILLIONS (that's Wally Millions, my shoe cobbler), folks expect you to talk about the things that happen in your day to day world, from the time you wake up to the time you head off to sleep. It you are that kind of blogger who talks about the mundane or you're the one who craves mundane lives then bless you, my child. I can't deal with that stuff. I want to hear more about the more juicy stuff. People don't pick up the National Enquirer to hear about how Lindsey Lohan ate a peanut butter sandwich or the day that Jessica Simpson shopped at the pharmacy. Actually, people do and those people are nuts, so let's forget that example.

Folks who have come to read the RSJS over time have known for me to be an open book. I've talked about everything from my childhood to my horrible dating life to my kidney failure to my joy of a good slushie. I truly have nothing to hide from. I do my taxes, I've never abused drugs, and once a year I drop something in the bucket for the Salvation Army. I stay as honest and as true to this site as much as I can and I think that there are folks who can appreciate that.

There are there things however in my life that I don't wish to talk about. Yes, I have my little "skeletons" laying in a deep, dark grave that I never talk about here or publicly because I don't wish to bring them up. Trust me, everyone has some kind of bad or strange thing that they don't wish to bring up at all. Eddie Murphy said it best in his stand up flick, Raw: Sometimes, a bone could fly out of your mouth.

Then again, there's the good things that I don't talk about here as well. It's not as if I should bring those up, but sometimes I feel as though I've done my good deed for the day and there's no need to bring it up. All I can say is that I'm a nice guy, I'm kind to dogs and I guess I'm the most optimistic, sometimes most naieve (to a fault) person I know. Karma knows me better than Earl Hickey, or at least I hope she does.

Lastly, there's the problem of time, as in trying to find the time to post something important. Last Friday, I had the opportunity to be a part of South University's Black History Month celebration by doing a reading of Bill Cosby's classic "Chocolate Cake" bit from Bill Cosby: Himself. Most would scratch their heads in wonder why anyone would even take the chance of doing a comedy bit for Black History Month,l but I thought it would lighten things just a bit. The folks who were there thought it was perfect and laughed all the way through. I really would have mentioned it here earlier, but the constraint of life held me back from bringing it up. Also, I'd forgotten to bring it up because I was busy doing something else. To Dr. H., I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner and I'll try not to do that again if I'm ever doing a public event.

The thing about secrets is you can keep them to yourself until the day you die or if it's just too much to keep to yourself, you can share them people you trust. I've been writing now for over five years, so I guess that I must be comfortable enough to put my world out there for everyone to see. Let's just keep today's entry between us pals and if you tell anyone I said so, I'll throttle you.

Today's post is dedicated to Mr. Paul Harvey, the greatest radio newsman ever. Good Day!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Fifty Reason Why I Joined A Gym

I had to walk to work on Monday, thanks to the car having problems. It was only ten minutes away, but it was enough to get me worn out and ragged as all get out, not to mention I had a backpack on with class books inside. If I had to walk on a regular basis, like as a mailman, I wouldn't move less than three feet. I'm "chubby", I'm "big boned", I'm "husky". I AM FAT. And I am done with it.

On Monday, I signed on for membership to the Anderson-Cohen Gym here in town. Actually, I signed on for a special program they run for people who have health and mobility problems and are referenced by doctors. I've been yammering on about going to gym for years and years, but their way too much money for me to spend out. Also, I am a touch lazy. What makes this different is due to...

One: I saw the movie Just One Of The Guys on Comedy Central this morning for the first time in years. It was my favorite flick of 1985, which was a great movie for me and it took me back. I was young, wild and actually toned up like you wouldn't believe. Yes, people. I was a bad ass man looking hard in tight jeans, boots and a good shirt. I'm not even gonna mention the Jheri curls. It's time I got back to that shape again, sans hair.

Two: I'm getting older and my health is important. I can feel forty-two years everytime I move. I feel creaky and tired than I should be. At least if I'm gonna age, let me do it looking like something other than somebdy who walked out of the ring of The Wrestler. Added to that kidney problem I have, it would be better to get in shape. The closer to my near perfect size I become (which is 220 pounds), the better my body will be for a transplant.

I need to add here that I'm supposed to be working with Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta with their transplant program, which was to help me with my weight with a program and a possibility of liproscopic surgery, but I haven't heard anything back from them in months. I always say, if you have to wait on somebody else to do something, you may as well do it yourself. As for why I didn't do this in the beginning, see "lazy".

I'm to start at the gym next Friday. The bad part of it is until I can get free time on Mondays and Wednesdays, that's the only day I'm able to go. Yep, college and work has gotten in the way of working out. Here's hoping that at least by Summer this year, I finally, FINALLY get some fat off this bones.

THis time for sure. I'll keep y'all posted.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

An open letter to Thomas "HouseT" Houston....

HA! Guess what I just got? The new Lonley Island CD! "Incredibad" is the shiznit! Dude, it's sick! You need to piock this up! Daaaaamn!

Hit a brotha up for "Watchmen". Because I know you are goin'...

Monday, February 23, 2009

Post Oscars Blah Blah

Yeah, I watched it. I watched it more than I watched any of the Best Picture nominees. In fact, I don't want to hear about Slumdog Millionaire again until it comes to HBO. It may be a great movie and all, with the dancing and the music at the end, but I am over it. Really. Empassioned speech from the guy who won for sound editing, yes wonderful. But I have no need to rush out now that it's won huge plate of Oscars. There, I said it and meant it.

For the show itself, I thought it was great. In fact, better than the past, ooooh, forty-five maybe? It harkened back to what I'd call the Silver Age of Hollywood when the awards were at its TV adolesence of being watched by millions by then and yet, still intimate. The new producers created a great set by putting the stars closer to the stage and making it quicker for them to get up and get their awards. It also made the home viewer feel closer to the actors than usual, at least for me it did which made it feel a lot more intimate than previous years.

Now as for Hugh Jackman, I have to hand it to the guy. He did a fantastic service as host and I think he'll be back again really soon. His jokes were funny, but not so biting or ironic as Chris Rock, Jon Stewart, or Whoopi Goldberg as it seemed like Jackman was presiding over a huge after dinner party with friends. His first musical number dealing with how to open the Academy Awards with a budget cut gave me some laughs, with the Criagslist dancers and Anne Hathaway filling in for Frank Langella in the "Frost /Nixon" spoof was spot on. Jackman's second, featuring Beyonce' and those get-off-my-lawn kids from High School Musical, was definitly a more old school Hollywood number that went well for me.

However, I think the best part was to see a group of former winners on stage to present the Oscar to the newest member of their club. My favorites included Cuba Gooding, Jr. giving the whatfor to Robert Downey, Jr. for Tropic Thunder (Someone please find Cuba new managment as he should have remembered by now that he is a member of the Supporting Actors fraternity) and the looks from each of women awarded for Best and Best Supporting Actresses. In truth, from all the actors nominated. I can imagine the look Heath Ledger might have had if Nicholson was there instead of Kevin Kline to tell him how spectacular he was as The Joker, but what was done is done sadly.

In short, I liked the Academy Awards this year. It was smarter, neater and than Pesci, shorter than it has been a long time and for that viewers around the world and I myself am very happy for the first time in years.

Once more thing...I can't leave without one joke. It is just me, or is it when Madonna showed up to an Oscar after party, she looked like she paid a visit to A-Rod's cousin?

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I'd Like To Thank The Academy....

I'm at home today and I'm writing this. Can you believe it? Neither can I. I got a hold of a free signal, fired up the old laptop, threw in a new keyboard and boom goes the dynamite. I also can't believe that I am at home right now, really. My feet hurt, I'm worn out from the week and did I mention that I was tired as Hell? No, I guess I didn't. My bad

At least I can sit down in the recliner and just chill. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, you know? Just be as lazy as I want to be. These days, I doin't get to do too much of that with all that's going on but I am making up for all the wackness as we speak. next to me is a glass filed with Pepsi and Bacardi Limon. Something as good as this makes you wonder why you never see Pepsi in bars. Everywhere you go there's a Pepsi sigh, but never on a bar/pub/drinking establishment. If they were to serve the much sweeter soft drink instead of the sting of Coca Cola with rum, the world could be a much better place.

I need not mention of course that the Academy Awards is about to happen in less than 2 hours. I'm not that excited about this year's event as I haven't had the chance to see the nominated films and as good as they may be, I'd rather wait until they come out on DVD to see them. Sure, I know that the talk is all about Mickey Rourke for his role The Wrestler, Sean Penn playing the late Harvey Milk, and Slumdog Millionaire with  the story of a kid who wins on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire set in India and there's no Regis and there's a big Bolywood dance scene at the end, but I'm no rush to go to the theaters at the moment for me. By the way, I hope I didn't spoil the end of Slumdog Millionaire for you if you haven't seen it yet. With all the press on those three films, you can just guess what happens already, so consider the fact that you've saved 8 bucks. Make yourself some popcorn and read the article.

There won't be much on TV tonight since every other channel will run repeats of everything else to go up against the Oscars and I'm fine with that. All I wish to do this evening is just lay back in old, broken down recliner of mine, make another one of these Pepsi and Limons and just veg the heck out. If I watch the awards tonight, I'll watch. If it just takes my mind off of all the crap I've had to deal with this week, then I'm fine and all will be well. I just don't want to see Hugh Jackman dresed as Wolvcerine doing a song and dance number from The Reader.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Today Was The Bestest Day Ever

Don't you wish this was everyday? 

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

One Ain't Gonna Stop One Show


Introducing a new label here which I call "Hot Mess". 'Cause this one is definitely one.

Yesterday, I posted a You Tube clip about President Obama that I don't think anyone would find offensive, but there is a difference today. This morning , The New York Post published the cartoon above featuring a dead chimpanzee and two policemen hovering over it, with one saying, "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill". Now, where does a crazed chimp involve the stimulus you may ask?

Blacks have been given slurs over 250 years, a few I don't really want to mention at the moment. Sadly, the term "monkey" was one of them and that is what set off the Reverend Al Sharpton and lots of Black Americans across the country today by calling for the resignation or firing of the cartoonist,Sean Delonas. Delonas and his bosses at the Post didn't see his drawing that way, but Reverend Sharpton and many others did feeling as though it called for the assassination of our new President.

I know that making any kind of joke about being the first African American president is a very tricky slope. Not to be the devil's advocate for the Post, but perhaps they just didn't realize the significance of a slain chimp and what the cops said in the panel would mean to Black readers. Perhaps there's no Blacks on the editorial panel at all. That being said, should ALL comics, cartoonists, talk show hosts, Black, White, whomever be sensitive about what they say about President Obama?

Trust me, folks are mad. I went to a social site for Blacks called I See Color earlier and they want Sean Delonas gone and it got hot. I read one comment from a African American male who said, "This is freaking ridiculous! In this day and age, there are STILL people referring to our community as "monkeys"!! Didn't a WHITE MAN (Charles Darwin) stated that man desended from apes?? Even that issue is desputable at best!! If you listen to Public Enemy's "Fear of a Black Planet", they have a song about How the New York Post operates! As Public Enemy & Micheal Baisen say, "Let's SHUT THEM DOWN!!!! "

Those were his exclamation points, caps,  the incorrect spelling of radio host Michael Baisden (who called for the firing and boycott of the New York Post) and then some, not mine. But I do feel like it a was a gut punch/check for many Americans. Including President Obama, who I hope will just dust the dirt off his shoulder and keep doing what he has to do: Never letting them see him sweat.

All I know is that there's a lot of folks pissed off over something a newspaper didn't think about before acting and a sad, crazy lady who kept a pissed off old chimpanzee in her house like it was her kid and that wasn't right either. Because as we all know, monkeys is funny. We just have to remember not to piss them off or they will skin you like a banana.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Obama's Elf

I got my busted up old laptop to kind of sort of work this evening, which makes me feel good. Too bad I can't think too much funny tonight. I did find this little piece and I can officially say that we have found our first Barack Obama joke EVER. The problem is, you'll be sick of it in a week and remember,I supported the man since 2004 so I don't want to hear any of you telling me that this is wrong. To quote Robin Williams, "Joke 'em if they can't take a f***".

Monday, February 16, 2009

Real Love

I hope that everyone who so happen to be in love had a wonderful Valentine's Day. I did not because I don't celebrate that holiday anymore and I don’t think I’ll be involved with it anymore. I now celebrate Singles

Awareness Day with millions of other people who are without a mate around the world. It is so much cheaper and not a lot of headache from running out to the store at the last minute to get someone something they may hate. The whole thing just doesn’t seem as though it’s really worth the trouble.

There are way too many couples out there who wouldn’t have to go through the hassle of having to run from store to store at the last minute once a year if they remember to stay in love the other 364 days out of the year

instead of just one. Instead, why not buy your loved one a card on May 22 or October 4th just because you really love them.

Or possibly get them a box of candy on August 13th only for the reason that you’re sweet on them. Even a major romantic vacation set for the week of June 14th. That is my birthday by the way, so that should be special

enough. If folks need a reason to celebrate, that would be the day to do it. it’s also Flag Day, so you can make it romantic, patriotic and throw me in there as well.

Of course if you truly love someone, then you don't need to be reminded about some stinking day Hallmark, Zales, Russell Stover and the rest of those greedy corporations pimp their wares on television, radio and

now the internet. I didn’t even mention Wal-Mart, Target and the rest of those mega stores once Christmas is over with and somehow in the middle of night like Valentine elves quickly change from Snowmen and reindeer to

Cupid and hearts plastered all over the place, from clothing to kitchenware to car parts.

Some folks may look at me strange, but I don’t really care at this point. I’ve been singe now since 1999 and I haven’t celebrated Valentine’s Day ever since then and I’m fine with that. I’m not going to let some ad agency tell me to fall in love with someone just so I can spend money to buy them junk, especially in this economy. I’ll buy their candy the day after Valentine’s Day. It all becomes half price then.

Friday, February 13, 2009

And Now, A Break From a Long Week...

I don't have a can of mushroom soup to let you know I'm busy. I just throw up a good clip and let you ponder over that. And since everyone has seen that Phoenix boy on Letterman, I thought I'd run the first trailer for Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds, starring Brad Pitt, B. J. Novack from The Office, Eli Roth , the guy who directed the first Saw and Mike Myers, who I hope is playing a Nazi and gets shot hard for making The Love Guru. This should be good old fashioned QT violence from the looks of it all.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Cussin' Up A Storm

Being that I love to write, I also love words, including the sound of them, not just the onomatopoeia. Words like "jiggly". "Googly-Moogly". "Uvula". There are others, but these are the simple ones. Curse words are different. They aren't supposed to be used out loud in front of certain folks. I could give a damn, personally. I just love to cuss.

First up, I don't call it "cursing". "Cursing" means that there are spells, potions and old frogs legs thrown into a huge black cauldron, then saying an incantation around it. I say "cussin'" because that's the old fashion Southern way. That's when there's cards, beer and streamed crabs thrown on a kitchen table and everybody's got something to say about everything. That's "cussin'", y'all.

Now, people aren't supposed to say them in the first place. It's wrong and your mama taught you that. Yet, your mama cursed out loud when ever you did something stupid when you were a kid and she does it to this day. But, I'll bet you that she won't slap you in the back of your head if she ever heard you cuss around her. Grownup or not, you do not curse around your mama because you love her and you don't want to get the switch as you get older.

When I was growing up, I was told that if I ever said a swear word around my mama, she would tear my behind up. She'd beat me until she got tired if I ever cussed and so I never did. Until a little thing called Home Box Office entered my life and my life was changed forever and I became the twisted man that I am now.

I wrote about George Carlin during the time of his death and one of the things I mentioned was that George loved words, but it was his "Seven Dirty Words" routine changed me forever as I learned words I had never heard before as a kid. Soon, Richard Pryor came along and I was transformed into a hardcore cuss machine. Mama never heard the words, but everybody else did. In school, at the corner store, around friends, girls, whomever wanted or needed to hear them. Man, cussin' was fun! Out of all the firsts in a teen's life, cussin' was near at the top!

As of now, I have become a Cuss Master of High Class: I'm not up there with the best of them (George, Richard, Redd Foxx), but I can hold my own. I would never really do it here on the blog or in a school paper because curse words can make a person look ignorant. If that was all anyone said to everyone, to paraphrase Eddie Murphy back when he did stand up and could nearly outdo Mr. Pryor, then you'd look stupid. There is an art to the swear and there are some people out there who are just sloppy at using them. I mean really. Say the word like you mean it.

For example, if I were on Inside The Actor's Studio and James Lipton were to ask me from the list of questions (as compiled by Bernard Pivot) what was my favorite curse word, I would have to say M*********. Now, let's look at the spelling of that word. It's not spelled the way most know it, which is M***********. There's more letters there in the original version, but that's not the way I learned to say it. I never heard it said correctly until Richard Pryor: Live at the Sunset Strip in 1979. From that Friday night on, I was on the road and ridin' dirty. I was like a gunslinger with that word because folks never knew when I'd go for my guns. I was the Bret Maverick of M*********s and bodies hit the floor.

What killed me though was whenever I heard folks who'd never really hit the streets say it. No, not just White guys. I mean, like Prince. He was a freak and all with the ladies, but when you heard him look for his dad after his mom winds up the hospital in Purple Rain, I swear (pardon the pun) oyu hit the ground laughing. A serious scene yes, but it's still funny in a cheesy way yelling out, "Where are you, man? Where are you, m***********?" Oh my stars, that was a classic.

In the end, you'll never hear me cuss on paper but if you catch me on an off day from everything, you will get a good swear word or two out of me. Either someone has gotten in my way on the road or somebody told a funny joke, or I just lost a sock, or I just met up with a friend. Notice by the way that I use M********* during each of those events very effectively. Next to the word "the", it really is the best utility word ever created.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Really Lazy Sunday

I got the laptop I use for work today at home with me, so I thought it would be a good time as any to write a post. After the week I've have, I don't think that's gonna happen. Let's just say it is what it is and I'm glad to still be still here. Yes, it was that bizzare,

Instead, I'm gonna just post a viedo from The Lonely Island. Andy Samberg and the boys have a new album out this week called Incredibad, "D*** in A Box", "J*** in My Pants" and this clip featuring T-Pain called "I'm On A Boat". I think this is their first song that doesn't have an askerisk in the title.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Let's Play Sam Libs!


Here's all you need to do: fill in Cristian Bale's transcribed rant at a lighting director for Terminator: Salvation (courtesy of The Telegraph)with vowels, nouns and other funny words or sounds! Good Luck!

Christian Bale: Am I going to walk around and rip your Noun lights down,

in the middle of a scene? Then why the Animal are you walking right

through? Ah-da-da-dah, like this in the background. What the Verb is it with

you? What don't you Adverb understand? You got any Celebrity Name

idea about, hey, it's Relative/Kid Curse word distracting having somebody

walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the Body Function scene? Give me a

Animal/Color answer! What don't you get about it?

Shane Hurlbut: I was looking at the light.

Bale: Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was Eighties'Hair

Metal Band
good, because it's useless now, isn't it?

Hurlbut: OK.

Bale: Noun/color sake man, you're amateur. McG, you got Noun/fruit

something to say to this Body Part?

Director Joseph 'McG' McGinty Nichol: I didn't see it happen.

Bale: Well, somebody should be Pronoun watching and keeping an eye on him.

McG: Fair enough.

Bale: It's the second time that he doesn't give a 70’s TV Show about what is

going on in front of the camera, all right? I'm trying to pronoun”ing” do a

scene here, and I am going "Why the Singer You Hate is Shane walking in

there? What is he doing there?" Do you understand my mind is not in the scene if

you're doing that?

Hurlbut: I absolutely apologise. I'm sorry, I did not mean anything by it.

Bale: Stay off theJewish term set man. For TV Show sake. Alright,

let's go again.

McG: Let's just take a minute.

Bale: Let's not take a Ice Cream Flavor minute, let's go again.

Bale: I'm going to Animal/ Fighting Move kick your Verb ass if you

don't shut up for a second! All right?

Unknown voices: Christian, Christian. It's cool.

Bale: I'm going to go... Do you want me to Dance Move go trash your lights?

Do you want me to Football Team trash 'em? Then why are you trashing my

scene?

Hurlbut: I'm not trying to trash your scene.

Bale: You are trashing my scene!

Hurlbut: Christian, I was only...

Bale: You do it one more Really Obscure Word time and I ain't walking on this set if you're still hired. I'm Food You Hate serious. You're a nice guy. You're a nice guy, but that don't Old West Word cut it when you're
Pronoun”ing” around like this on set.

How the animal did you do?

Makin' Bacon With Macon

Time for some Wednesday Bacony Goodness with Matt Patker and Trey Stone from South Park and their new friend, Macon. I don't know about you, but if a pig can enjoy bacon as much as we all do then I guess there's nothing wrong with it. BACON ROCKS.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Fear and Loathing In College

Maybe it's because I'm older than most of the students in my classes. Maybe the life experiences I've gone through made me a bit wiser or I'm just paranoid. All I know is this: I think I loath some of my fellow students at college.

This goes way back to when I was a student at Thunderbolt Elementary School. I was seven years old, but my reading skills were more advanced than the rest of the class which made me special, yet at the same time I was also diagnosed as hyperactive which also made me special. The teacher, Miss Milligan, would read to the students during breaks and one of the books she read from was Charlotte's Web by E.B.White. One day, she asked to students to pass the book around and read aloud from the selected chapter. While most kids were struggling to sound the words, I was reading every word correctly and clearly without a mistake. Miss Milligan noticed that and the next day she had me read an entire chapter aloud by myself. From that day on, all the kids looked at me like I was William Holden in Stalag 13. I was a sellout rat fink who needed to be invited to a pillow party right after school.

Ever since, I've always looked aver my shoulder as to who's keeping an eye on me, especially these days. When you're the older guy in college, folks don't pay too much attention to you for the most part. However, you pick up on a reference that the instructor's talking about, say the old proverb "The Nail" as it connects to Causation in a Torts class and folks kind of look at you funny. At least, you think they do.

For the record, it's not my fault that I know all these things and they don't. I did my twelve years of school and two and a half years of college in the Eighties, but I also did loads of reading before, between and after that time. I tend to hang on to arcane things that keep my mind wandering constantly. If I pick up on something that has my interest, I'll sop it up like gravy on a biscuit and hold on to the info until it's needed. Just because the other guys don't do that is their own fault. Perhaps if they'd break out of box they were kept in and thought about some expansion in their world, then could understand how a person like me feels.

In the end, all I'm trying to do is graduate to get the diploma that I so deserve for all the hard work I've been putting into my classes since I started back. There are students here at South University and other schools, colleges and universities who are trying to do that same as I do and who may get looked at in an even worse light. Even at a job, there are the folks who get picked on by co-workers because they are looked on by higher-ups as being smarter than most. Just to let everyone know, we just want a fair break. Yeah, we may be smarter than some but we can do the job just as well and if we put out minds to it, possibly better. In today's climate, anyone who's returning to school just wants to get their diploma so they can have a better future for their families. If some folks were smart enough to get and extra education, then they should be smarter not to hinder everyone else and help instead.

Friday, January 30, 2009

On Writing

I was thinking about what I should write tonight since this is an off day for me. Uh-huh, I'm doing this on a Thursday night or make it a really early Friday morn, around 1:30 am. I'm actually here at a bar where my old friend Perry does karaoke. He also has a wireless laptop. I figured from there I'd just go ahead and get this thing started for the weekend, since this could be a good, long post.

There's something to be said for a guy who has over 1500 posts on a blog. It could be that the writer has no life whatsoever. Or it could be that the writer just wants to better his life by becoming something that's a one in a million shot: To be the best writer ever. I don't claim to be Willy Shakespeare, Faulkner, or even Stan Lee. Writing is a hard thing to hold to and once you've finished that piece that you've slaved over for days, weeks, months, years, then you have to do it all over again. Remember the guy who wrote "The Bridges of Madison County"? Well, there you go.

When I started on the blog, at began as just a few sentences and that was it. Soon afterward when I thought I had a hold of what I was doing, I went into paragraphs. Down the line, it turned into whole essays and from there I think, folks realized that I must really be neurotic since I seem to have a lot of issues on my mind. That's what bloggers do. Just yammer on about stuff that drives them crazy and expect folks to agree or disagree. It can make a person look needy but they have to get off their chest somehow. I don't bucks for a shrink. Maybe I should ask for a bailout like G.M..

The hardest part is the reader's acceptance of the writer is saying. Is what the writer is saying make enough sence to the reader a tthe moment? I know I have the problem of going into tangents and for me, that is hard as Hell to stop for a dude like me.

In fact, I had to stop what I was writing last night because I was tired and I was this close to going into Robin Williams World so I stopped writing then and picked up on it today. So here's part deux.

I really am the the last person to tell anyone how they should write anything The one thing I would like to do is just encourage folks who really do feel as though they have a book or two in them and these days who doesn't, is to just keep working and don't stop until your hands fall off. Once that happens, get your spouse or whomever lives with you to tab it all down. Even better, teach one of those helper monkeys. They say that if you put 100 chimps in front of a typewriter, at least one of them is going to have something worth reading.

You can be as quiet on the outside as much as you want but once you let your imagination to the work, you can do some wonderful things and open beautiful worlds and leave a legacy that no one could ever change unles you do the editing. Good luck and please by my book if and when it comes out.

It took me to get 87 chimps to get this blog right, so there's a good start.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

And Now, Post 1501



Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the most offensive toy ever made next to the Swing Wing: It's the Batman Water Gun. Other than the annoying tool and the captions, it is funny looking. Also, it slightly affirms what Dr. Wertham wrote about in Seduction of the Innocent. Or not.

OHHHHHHH YEAAAAH....1500.

This is what I look like right now, although I took this photo last night. It turns out that I have acid reflux. I also have a sore throat because of the acid burps I seem to be having. Good times, people. Good times...

So while I was stressing here at work because the computer wants to be A-hole, my stomach got grumpy and before you knew the burps began again. It hit me then that while I was talking to our IT guy that since classes started the acid reflux kicked in, but I didn't feel anything until I got to work. It never happens on campus, in the clinic, even karaoke. Last night, I felt like Hell on a spiked road with no shoes on from all the the crap. I have taken nearly every medicine known to mankind that stops a rumbly in the tummy and not one thing has put out the flame. Something has to be done about this.

Yep I'm super. Thanks for asking. Now somebody get me a milkshake so I can cool my stomach.

Something else I just realized a second ago. This is the 1500th post I've written since June 29, 2003. If I could celebrate this, I would have loads of food and drink, scantly clad dancers, live music from the Foo Fighters, comedy from Patton Oswald and a guest appearance by Don Rickles.The cool thing is that all of you would be invited. But my gut hurts, so I'm going home. Don't frickin' trash the place and make sure Rickles gets home okay.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Ghetto Nights?!

Yeah, I had some folks send this to me via Facebook. I was offended and yet, I laughed. You judge...

The Real CyberSam Johnson Show-Fakin' the Food Funk

Friday, January 23, 2009

Watchmen Widget



Put this on your site!

The Week In Review

I'll bet y'all have been wondering what's been going on this week with all the essays and not a lot of the quickies. Here's the deal, Lucille. For the past few days, I'm been working on my writing for Composition III as it's been a short week, what with Dr. King's birthday, President Obama taking his oath twice and other things. As te class deals with writing critical essays, I thought I'd go ahead and just post what I'm working on here on the site. To be honest, my brain is slightly taxed after the events of the week. I still can't get my head around "sea kittens". Everyone I talked to about it seems stupefied over this. Blame P.E.T.A. for this crap. If anything, at least they'll wind up on Best Week Ever, so more promotion for them. Yippie.

Oh, did I forget? President Obama. Man, I tell you that sounds so cool, doesn't it? Gitmo's gonna close, the U.S. is finally going to work on human stem cells and Dr. Cheney is off to his evil lair in Virginia. It's been a couple of days, but it's a nice start. Now, don't rush everything. Just take your time and do it right. We'll be here when it's ready.

Finally, here's a clip from the NBS Nightly News with Ted Philips from 1970 looking back at the career of the superhero Dr. Manhattan.



Wait, what?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Save a Fish, Eat A Cat!


Create Your Own Sea Kitten at peta.org!

For many years, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have made it their mission to protect animals around the world from abuse, whether it be from cosmetic firms to circuses. Today however the group has now possibly sniffing too much catnip with its new promotion, "Save the Sea Kittens".

Really? "Sea Kittens"?

I know that PETA means well as they always do. Usually the way they promote their cause is by going completely over the top. One of their ways is by having super models or celebrities pose naked for ads that say "I'd rather go naked than wear fur". Okay, for the most part the ads are mostly filled with women. There are guys naked in a few ads, but it's Tommy Lee and other tattoo canvased dudes. There's nothing wrong with that if you like skanky guys like Tommy Lee, but there is a limit.

Still, a person could say that the women are being exploited in the photos. Pamela Anderson may support the group, but does America need to see her naked to say that she won't wear a fur coat? She could be naked to say that this year's Super Bowl will be awesome and no one would care because Pam Anderson is crazy hot and naked. Nine out of ten men would admit to that fact and the tenth guy could possibly have vision problems.

P.E.T.A. also does things like throwing red paint on folks who wear fur in public, hoping that will throw the pelt coat away and never wear it again. Usually the attacks are on upper class (read "rich") suburban Manhattan females. Have you ever wondered why they haven't gone down to Harlem or Brooklyn to toss paint on the rappers who wear fur? Hell, get that stuff on their kicks and soon there'll be a "Save P.E.T.A." campaign up really quick.

All those are nothing compared to the "Sea Kitten" campaign P.E.T.A. has begun. According to their website, "Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears account and leave our scaly little friends alone. You've done enough damage, buddy. We've got it from here. And we're going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it's time for a serious image makeover".

Guess what, P.E.T.A.? Some people still like their "sea kittens" with tartar sauce and lemon.

Do they expect folks to fall for something like this? The moment the word hit the streets about it, jokes about "land fish" were all over the place and that's a bit more gross than "sea kittens" once people realize what those are. Besides, aren't real cats snooty anyway? They live their own lives, they spit hair balls, they stick their butts in people's faces and unless declawed (which some say is unfair to cats) they will rip the living Hell out of your sofa, beds, curtains, arms, legs, etc. Stupid "land fish'.

Meanwhile, if you take a "sea kitten" out of the water to pet it's scaly coat, it will die in your arms in less than ten seconds. Where's the fun in that?

The whole thing just feels like P.E.T.A has way too much free time on its hands by coming up with a way to keep their name in public and to keep folks talking about them, kind of like David Blaine does a stunt live on prime time television and he's usually this close to losing a leg because he screwed up somehow between the 72 hours he stayed awake when he started it. Trying to sell tunas, salmon, flounders and trout as cutesty-wutesy widdle animals isn't going to help the fact that some folks like them grilled and others like them with chips and malt vinegar. Maybe P.E.T.A should work on saving dolphins as they're pretty smart creatures.

Then again, maybe they should save themselves and stick to the Bob Barker Rule: Don't forget to have your pets spayed and neutered.

By the way, did anyone notice that "Dinner" up there has on a leather jacket? Shame, shame, P.E.T.A..

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A Change Has Finally Come

Tuesday is going to be a very big day. I am so psyched for it. Finally, I can have a sigh of relief. Finally, after so many years of struggling and fighting from generation to generation, I can truthfully say to the world that the pressure is finally off Blacks. That's right: No more Black Americans or African Americans. We are just Americans now. Some of you don't know how it feels to have that weight off our shoulders, but I can say that was like a forty pound harness for some of us.

I need to say at this point that I tried out that line at a get together with a social group called No Kidding earlier tonight. While the majority of the group, who were White and female laughed, there was one lone desenter who was a White male, who sat to my left and just happen to burst out right after the laughter, "Yeah, well what happens when Obama makes a mistake, huh? What happens when a white guy walks up to you and says, 'Well, you're Black. What about your President now?'"

The silence from the table could have filled the room. Of course, our boy just looked ridiculous when he tried to apologize by letting me know that he grew up around Blacks and that he always voted as a Democrat. I just looked at him from my left and looked at him like I was Whoopi on The View. There's always going to be one jackhole out there ready to try to ruin a good time. Not this time, you fat, loud balding ass.

Paul Mooney said once, "Everybody wants be Black, but ain't nobody wants to be Black". I'm sorry, but it is what it is. I mean, we cook great. We can dance up a storm. We do really well at some sports. We can look tough when we need to. I don't even want to get into the sex. But really, America. If we had any other choice, we'd be White because a lot of them are listed on The Forbes 500 List. From the way I see it, White guys have lots and lots of money. I'm not talking Oprah or Jay Z and Beyonce' or Denzel or Will Smith or even the new President money. I'm talking Bill Gates and Warren Buffet and T. Boone Pickens and even Paul McCartney money. See, Oprah is rich. Bill Gates is wealthy. Chris Rock once said in his act that if Bill Gates ever woke up with Oprah money, he's blow his head off.

What I'm saying is White people are loaded with money. Well for the first time ever, Black people are now on an even level with White people. We can be loaded now, too. In fact, for the first time ever, we can be anything we want to be. Finally. This is what Michelle Obama was trying to say before pundits tried to mow her down.

I called my Uncle Frank in Detroit on Sunday while watching the Inaugural Concert on HBO, which he was also seeing. I asked him did he ever think that he would be around to see such a moment like this in his lifetime. He answered," I''d never thought I'd make it to today and I'll pray for one more day to see tomorrow". I could have cried like a baby at that point when I heard that.

Tuesday is really going to be a great day for all America as a people. From this day forward, let's all be American, not a bunch of colors that are different from the crayon box. I mean really, White folks aren't even white. They're freaking pink. I'm not even Black I'm a nice shade of Bronze, if you think about it. It's kind of like George Hamilton and I could be related, sort of.

What I'm trying to say is now is the time so let's all work together as a group effort. The country's all screwed up and it's going to take all of us to fix it. I'm not saying let's hold hands in a really big circle and singing Kumbaya, though. As a Black person, we did it a few times in the Fifties and Sixties and I think we're all past that stage.

Monday, January 19, 2009

MORE BACON PORN!



I had a dream today. A dream where White children and Black children got together and had Bacon Cupcakes.

I'm sorry, but YES I WENT THERE. It's time for a change. More later...

Friday, January 16, 2009

A Hero Is More Than A Sandwich

I found out some things about Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, III according to his own website, Safety Reliability Methods, Inc. Check this out...

SRM Founder Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger, III is a captain for a major U.S. airline with over 40 years of flying experience. A former U.S. Air Force (USAF) fighter pilot, he has served as an instructor and Air Line Pilots Association (ALPA) safety chairman, accident investigator and national technical committee member. He has participated in several USAF and National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) accident investigations. His ALPA safety work led to the development of a Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) Advisory Circular. Working with National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) scientists, he coauthored a paper on error inducing contexts in aviation. He was instrumental in the development and implementation of the Crew Resource Management (CRM) course used at his airline and has taught the course to hundreds of his colleagues. Sully is a graduate of the U.S. Air Force Academy (B.S.), Purdue University (M.S.) and the University of Northern Colorado (M.A.). He was a speaker on two panels at the High Reliability Organizations (HRO) 2007 International Conference in Deauville, France May 29-31, 2007. He has just been named a Visiting Scholar at the University of California, Berkeley.

Yeah, he was ready for something like this and not one person was seriously hurt on his watch. "Sully" not only helped the folks on that plane, but also America which really needed a major boost to get us all ready for January 20 to stand up and be proud. All Mr. Sullenberger did to help was his job to get the passengers to safety, which he did and then some. I think the country owes the man a debt of gratitude for simply doing the best job possible and reminding everyone what a hero should be. He needs even more than just a medal. He needs a "thank you".

Now if you shall excuse me, I hear a cat in a tree. The Fickle Fat Fudge Fiend Strikes again!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Uncle Sam (again!)

See this baby? She isn't mine. She is however my sister Damitta's new baby, who was born yesterday. No her name isn't Judy for those who may ask, but Kristina. She weighed in at six pounds and some ounces and was nineteen inches in length. Contrats, Damitta! I am now an uncle again for like, the sixty-'leventh millionth time here. Once again, this means that I have to buy more Christmas presents for the kids. Really, my nephew William who's my brother Anthony's oldest son is getting married soon at the age of 35! What the hell?! No more Hot Wheels for him!

Ricardo Montalban and Patrick McGoohan, R.I.P.

I can say that this really sucks. Both these men were great actors and stars of two of my favorite shows. I do prefer The Prisoner over Fantasy Island simply because Mr. McGoohan knew when enough was enough. Still, major props to Mr. Montalban for his role in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan. I still wonder if he actually wore a fake chest or was that really him? To both men, you will be missed.

Big Man On Campus

Here we are, it's a Wednesday and I am in my second day of classes here at South University and may I say so far, so good. Nothing's blown up yet and I haven't been kicked out. Honestly, I am very glad to return to college as I was getting bored at home and can't just sit there and watch infomercials all day. Speaking of which, is Vince the Shamwow guy a douche or what? Now he's selling Slap Chop or Chop Slap or Slap Nuts or whatever it's called. He looks more like a Ricky than he does a Vince to me. "You are gonna love my nuts!" Let me go back to what I was talking about though, because we really don't have all day...


Now that I'm back, I'm taking two courses this round: Compositition III and Torts and Remedies. They both seem to be very simple classes, but if I know the drill I'll get over my head in work and wind up doing my best to not screw up. When I started down the road to being a Paralegal, I knew that it would be some work. In hindsight however, I didn't think the road would be so full of pot holes. It dawned on me that if it wasn't for dialysis, I would have graduated last month if I had don't a full time schedule and gone to classes four days a week and alternating days. This is my albatros to wear like the Mariner, yet I keep on keepin' on. Other than the transplant (which I pray happens this year if I can drop more weight) I got nothing else to do and nowhere else to go, so I may as well keep myself busy. Hey, if it doesn't work out at all, I can sell crap on television like ol' Vince up there. I wonder if being a douchebag makes lots of money?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Happy Birthday, Motown!

It's Diana Ross's birthday today. Today also belongs to Rick James, The Isley Brothers, Bill Cosby, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Frankie Valli, Tommy Chong, Pigmeat Markham, El DeBarge, Teena Marie, The Four Tops, Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson and even Bruce Wilis.

Also because it's my birthday, too. Alright, you can have one as well.

Today is the fiftieth birthday for "The Sound of Young America", Motown Records. Having lived in Detroit, I can be proud to say that I lived in the town that changed the way the world listened to music thanks to Berry Gordy and his simple dream of making good music. All those folks listed at the top have recorded for Motown at some point and time and and since 1959, we've enjoyed every minute of it. That's why it's out birthday today. I think we should have a party. I know who's gonna bring the music.

I'm just going to add some of my favorite Motown songs for this tribute. First up is classic Stevie Wonder as he performs "Superstitions" on the set of Sesame Street(!). Big Bird has never been the same since he felt the funk.



And right here on the big show, here are the Temptations performing on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1967 with a medley of the quintessential Motown tune "My Girl" along with "I'm Losing You" with original members David Ruffin and Paul Williams before both left the group. It don't get no better than that.



Out of loads of great songs from the label, "Easy" by The Commodores has become a way of life for me over the years. Looking at Lionel Ritchie with an afro is also a huge plus.



Finally, here's Stevie Wonder with the song that helped to launch national recognition for Dr. King's birthday. It's live, but it's the right way to celebrate music that brought everyone together and still does.

Smart Ass

I have returned today to South University to get back on track to becoming a Paralegal. Am I freak out about it? Why, yes I am freaked out. But at least I'm taking good drugs for that problem. There'll be more later but right now I need to go get me some book learnin'. Maybe later, I'll get to do some cypherin' like Jethro Bodine.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Pull Up Your Pants!

On Monday, I had planned on writing about how people should pull up their pants these days, but I was interrupted from doing so. I then got this comment from League of Savannah Blogger House:

"A commentary on guys who should pull their pants up? If you don't at some point use either the phrase "Crack kills" or the more popular Whitney Houston derivative "Crack is wack" then you will fail to meet my expectation."

Ahem. Yes, I would go down that road, but I'm trying to become a more classier bastard for 2009. Change and all that, ya know.

See, what had started out to to be a sort of poked stick at folks these days who wear their pantaloons below their buttocks and how it's now becoming more popular for cities like Atlanta to begin banning folks from walking out of their house looking like a complete clown or pay a fine sort of shifted into something else in my mind.

I guess that Clint Eastwood Syndrome has taking over as I've aged and I'm really not that old compared to Clint. I've seen lots of teens and a few adults over 18 try to walk with sagging jeans or khakis on and to be truthful, they look stupid to me. Mind you, I came from the generation that had shoe laces untied and tucked inside the shoes. But what's a shoelace compared to a kid who weighs about a buck 40 and his clothes make him look like he's about to blow into the winds? Everything.

I like baggy clothes, to an extent. I grew up wearing baggy pants as it was and still is stylish in my neighborhood (read: "places where Black people grew up"). Somewhere in there somehow, somebody got the idea to get them as low on their ass as they could and before you know it, Black teens everywhere began to wear their pants like that. Before you know it, every race of teen boy began to wear pants like that. I should blame rap music for it, but rap gets the blame for everything these days, so I'll keep them out of it. So, I'll blame the parents instead. There, that sounds better.

See, if parents would sit down with their kids and let them know that they are the ones paying for the pants and that if they kept up the saggy action, they can leave the house naked. The adults bought the kid a belt for a reason and it wasn't for whuppin'. But if the kids don't start using said belt, the parents sure will.

Now with that being said, Let me launch into this. To me, the term "pulling up your pants" has become sort of a metaphor for me these days. Kind of like when you have to "roll up your sleeves" to get something done. Folks should become more responsible for their actions these days. I've been noticing more and more lately how people simply walk away from the things that they're supposed to be doing only to get lazy and let someone else handle the situation up close and personal. Quite frankly, it's really starting to piss me off. It like they have some strange, screwed up reason why they don't do the things that they should be doing but they don't do and everyone else has to hear their rationalization when in the beginning, it was all horsecrap to start off with.

It's 2009 and we are only seven days into this year. I don't have time to hear folks whine and complain that the world treats them like shite. I'm sick of walking out of my apartment and seeing guys walking around with the crack of the bums showing off in the sun. You are absolutly ruight, House. Crack is Wack!

Now pull up your pants and take some friggin' responsibility for yourself. If our next President says so, then it must be true.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Yippee!

Well, somebody seems to be in a good mood today. I had planned on talking about how men should learn to pull their pants up today, but for some stinkin' reason I got a headache. I do feel a little better now that I know that The Dark Knight has been nominated by the Producer's Guild Of America as one of the Best Picture of 2008. Maybe on Wednesday, I'll do that men's post. Also, I'll try to be in a better mood. Really, I'll try.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Meet CyberSam



He's just like me, 'cept different. He really does have a lot to say, so maybe you should watch.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

WAKE UP, PEOPLE!

Happy New Year. I am pissed. Not "piss drunk", but pissed off. Pissed to the highest of Pisstivity. It's too early in the morning of the first day of the year to be pissed off.

I'm here at the station right now posting this as I have been up for nearly 24 hours after dialysis Wednesday morning, karaoke with a new crew last night at Steed's, then getting here at three thirty in the morning because even though I didn't even have a drop of champagne at the strike of Twelve, I didn't feel like driving all the way to the other side of town only to get up and back to the same side of town I just left just an hour before.

So I sat down and started to post about how the night was and how tired I am now and how I can see the sun rise and how I am getting too old for this shite when all of a sudden, my left hand accidentally hits the ctrl button and wipes out over six paragraphs of a perfectly written rant.  I am SOOOOO pissed right now. So if I'm up, everybody better be up. 'Cause this ain't fair, man.

You are so friggin' lucky right now you didn't see the original post. "The Year of Change", my ass. Ain't a thing's changed here.