Friday, February 27, 2009

Fifty Reason Why I Joined A Gym

I had to walk to work on Monday, thanks to the car having problems. It was only ten minutes away, but it was enough to get me worn out and ragged as all get out, not to mention I had a backpack on with class books inside. If I had to walk on a regular basis, like as a mailman, I wouldn't move less than three feet. I'm "chubby", I'm "big boned", I'm "husky". I AM FAT. And I am done with it.

On Monday, I signed on for membership to the Anderson-Cohen Gym here in town. Actually, I signed on for a special program they run for people who have health and mobility problems and are referenced by doctors. I've been yammering on about going to gym for years and years, but their way too much money for me to spend out. Also, I am a touch lazy. What makes this different is due to...

One: I saw the movie Just One Of The Guys on Comedy Central this morning for the first time in years. It was my favorite flick of 1985, which was a great movie for me and it took me back. I was young, wild and actually toned up like you wouldn't believe. Yes, people. I was a bad ass man looking hard in tight jeans, boots and a good shirt. I'm not even gonna mention the Jheri curls. It's time I got back to that shape again, sans hair.

Two: I'm getting older and my health is important. I can feel forty-two years everytime I move. I feel creaky and tired than I should be. At least if I'm gonna age, let me do it looking like something other than somebdy who walked out of the ring of The Wrestler. Added to that kidney problem I have, it would be better to get in shape. The closer to my near perfect size I become (which is 220 pounds), the better my body will be for a transplant.

I need to add here that I'm supposed to be working with Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta with their transplant program, which was to help me with my weight with a program and a possibility of liproscopic surgery, but I haven't heard anything back from them in months. I always say, if you have to wait on somebody else to do something, you may as well do it yourself. As for why I didn't do this in the beginning, see "lazy".

I'm to start at the gym next Friday. The bad part of it is until I can get free time on Mondays and Wednesdays, that's the only day I'm able to go. Yep, college and work has gotten in the way of working out. Here's hoping that at least by Summer this year, I finally, FINALLY get some fat off this bones.

THis time for sure. I'll keep y'all posted.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

An open letter to Thomas "HouseT" Houston....

HA! Guess what I just got? The new Lonley Island CD! "Incredibad" is the shiznit! Dude, it's sick! You need to piock this up! Daaaaamn!

Hit a brotha up for "Watchmen". Because I know you are goin'...

Monday, February 23, 2009

Post Oscars Blah Blah

Yeah, I watched it. I watched it more than I watched any of the Best Picture nominees. In fact, I don't want to hear about Slumdog Millionaire again until it comes to HBO. It may be a great movie and all, with the dancing and the music at the end, but I am over it. Really. Empassioned speech from the guy who won for sound editing, yes wonderful. But I have no need to rush out now that it's won huge plate of Oscars. There, I said it and meant it.

For the show itself, I thought it was great. In fact, better than the past, ooooh, forty-five maybe? It harkened back to what I'd call the Silver Age of Hollywood when the awards were at its TV adolesence of being watched by millions by then and yet, still intimate. The new producers created a great set by putting the stars closer to the stage and making it quicker for them to get up and get their awards. It also made the home viewer feel closer to the actors than usual, at least for me it did which made it feel a lot more intimate than previous years.

Now as for Hugh Jackman, I have to hand it to the guy. He did a fantastic service as host and I think he'll be back again really soon. His jokes were funny, but not so biting or ironic as Chris Rock, Jon Stewart, or Whoopi Goldberg as it seemed like Jackman was presiding over a huge after dinner party with friends. His first musical number dealing with how to open the Academy Awards with a budget cut gave me some laughs, with the Criagslist dancers and Anne Hathaway filling in for Frank Langella in the "Frost /Nixon" spoof was spot on. Jackman's second, featuring Beyonce' and those get-off-my-lawn kids from High School Musical, was definitly a more old school Hollywood number that went well for me.

However, I think the best part was to see a group of former winners on stage to present the Oscar to the newest member of their club. My favorites included Cuba Gooding, Jr. giving the whatfor to Robert Downey, Jr. for Tropic Thunder (Someone please find Cuba new managment as he should have remembered by now that he is a member of the Supporting Actors fraternity) and the looks from each of women awarded for Best and Best Supporting Actresses. In truth, from all the actors nominated. I can imagine the look Heath Ledger might have had if Nicholson was there instead of Kevin Kline to tell him how spectacular he was as The Joker, but what was done is done sadly.

In short, I liked the Academy Awards this year. It was smarter, neater and than Pesci, shorter than it has been a long time and for that viewers around the world and I myself am very happy for the first time in years.

Once more thing...I can't leave without one joke. It is just me, or is it when Madonna showed up to an Oscar after party, she looked like she paid a visit to A-Rod's cousin?

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I'd Like To Thank The Academy....

I'm at home today and I'm writing this. Can you believe it? Neither can I. I got a hold of a free signal, fired up the old laptop, threw in a new keyboard and boom goes the dynamite. I also can't believe that I am at home right now, really. My feet hurt, I'm worn out from the week and did I mention that I was tired as Hell? No, I guess I didn't. My bad

At least I can sit down in the recliner and just chill. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, you know? Just be as lazy as I want to be. These days, I doin't get to do too much of that with all that's going on but I am making up for all the wackness as we speak. next to me is a glass filed with Pepsi and Bacardi Limon. Something as good as this makes you wonder why you never see Pepsi in bars. Everywhere you go there's a Pepsi sigh, but never on a bar/pub/drinking establishment. If they were to serve the much sweeter soft drink instead of the sting of Coca Cola with rum, the world could be a much better place.

I need not mention of course that the Academy Awards is about to happen in less than 2 hours. I'm not that excited about this year's event as I haven't had the chance to see the nominated films and as good as they may be, I'd rather wait until they come out on DVD to see them. Sure, I know that the talk is all about Mickey Rourke for his role The Wrestler, Sean Penn playing the late Harvey Milk, and Slumdog Millionaire with  the story of a kid who wins on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire set in India and there's no Regis and there's a big Bolywood dance scene at the end, but I'm no rush to go to the theaters at the moment for me. By the way, I hope I didn't spoil the end of Slumdog Millionaire for you if you haven't seen it yet. With all the press on those three films, you can just guess what happens already, so consider the fact that you've saved 8 bucks. Make yourself some popcorn and read the article.

There won't be much on TV tonight since every other channel will run repeats of everything else to go up against the Oscars and I'm fine with that. All I wish to do this evening is just lay back in old, broken down recliner of mine, make another one of these Pepsi and Limons and just veg the heck out. If I watch the awards tonight, I'll watch. If it just takes my mind off of all the crap I've had to deal with this week, then I'm fine and all will be well. I just don't want to see Hugh Jackman dresed as Wolvcerine doing a song and dance number from The Reader.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Today Was The Bestest Day Ever

Don't you wish this was everyday? 

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

One Ain't Gonna Stop One Show


Introducing a new label here which I call "Hot Mess". 'Cause this one is definitely one.

Yesterday, I posted a You Tube clip about President Obama that I don't think anyone would find offensive, but there is a difference today. This morning , The New York Post published the cartoon above featuring a dead chimpanzee and two policemen hovering over it, with one saying, "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill". Now, where does a crazed chimp involve the stimulus you may ask?

Blacks have been given slurs over 250 years, a few I don't really want to mention at the moment. Sadly, the term "monkey" was one of them and that is what set off the Reverend Al Sharpton and lots of Black Americans across the country today by calling for the resignation or firing of the cartoonist,Sean Delonas. Delonas and his bosses at the Post didn't see his drawing that way, but Reverend Sharpton and many others did feeling as though it called for the assassination of our new President.

I know that making any kind of joke about being the first African American president is a very tricky slope. Not to be the devil's advocate for the Post, but perhaps they just didn't realize the significance of a slain chimp and what the cops said in the panel would mean to Black readers. Perhaps there's no Blacks on the editorial panel at all. That being said, should ALL comics, cartoonists, talk show hosts, Black, White, whomever be sensitive about what they say about President Obama?

Trust me, folks are mad. I went to a social site for Blacks called I See Color earlier and they want Sean Delonas gone and it got hot. I read one comment from a African American male who said, "This is freaking ridiculous! In this day and age, there are STILL people referring to our community as "monkeys"!! Didn't a WHITE MAN (Charles Darwin) stated that man desended from apes?? Even that issue is desputable at best!! If you listen to Public Enemy's "Fear of a Black Planet", they have a song about How the New York Post operates! As Public Enemy & Micheal Baisen say, "Let's SHUT THEM DOWN!!!! "

Those were his exclamation points, caps,  the incorrect spelling of radio host Michael Baisden (who called for the firing and boycott of the New York Post) and then some, not mine. But I do feel like it a was a gut punch/check for many Americans. Including President Obama, who I hope will just dust the dirt off his shoulder and keep doing what he has to do: Never letting them see him sweat.

All I know is that there's a lot of folks pissed off over something a newspaper didn't think about before acting and a sad, crazy lady who kept a pissed off old chimpanzee in her house like it was her kid and that wasn't right either. Because as we all know, monkeys is funny. We just have to remember not to piss them off or they will skin you like a banana.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Obama's Elf

I got my busted up old laptop to kind of sort of work this evening, which makes me feel good. Too bad I can't think too much funny tonight. I did find this little piece and I can officially say that we have found our first Barack Obama joke EVER. The problem is, you'll be sick of it in a week and remember,I supported the man since 2004 so I don't want to hear any of you telling me that this is wrong. To quote Robin Williams, "Joke 'em if they can't take a f***".

Monday, February 16, 2009

Real Love

I hope that everyone who so happen to be in love had a wonderful Valentine's Day. I did not because I don't celebrate that holiday anymore and I don’t think I’ll be involved with it anymore. I now celebrate Singles

Awareness Day with millions of other people who are without a mate around the world. It is so much cheaper and not a lot of headache from running out to the store at the last minute to get someone something they may hate. The whole thing just doesn’t seem as though it’s really worth the trouble.

There are way too many couples out there who wouldn’t have to go through the hassle of having to run from store to store at the last minute once a year if they remember to stay in love the other 364 days out of the year

instead of just one. Instead, why not buy your loved one a card on May 22 or October 4th just because you really love them.

Or possibly get them a box of candy on August 13th only for the reason that you’re sweet on them. Even a major romantic vacation set for the week of June 14th. That is my birthday by the way, so that should be special

enough. If folks need a reason to celebrate, that would be the day to do it. it’s also Flag Day, so you can make it romantic, patriotic and throw me in there as well.

Of course if you truly love someone, then you don't need to be reminded about some stinking day Hallmark, Zales, Russell Stover and the rest of those greedy corporations pimp their wares on television, radio and

now the internet. I didn’t even mention Wal-Mart, Target and the rest of those mega stores once Christmas is over with and somehow in the middle of night like Valentine elves quickly change from Snowmen and reindeer to

Cupid and hearts plastered all over the place, from clothing to kitchenware to car parts.

Some folks may look at me strange, but I don’t really care at this point. I’ve been singe now since 1999 and I haven’t celebrated Valentine’s Day ever since then and I’m fine with that. I’m not going to let some ad agency tell me to fall in love with someone just so I can spend money to buy them junk, especially in this economy. I’ll buy their candy the day after Valentine’s Day. It all becomes half price then.

Friday, February 13, 2009

And Now, A Break From a Long Week...

I don't have a can of mushroom soup to let you know I'm busy. I just throw up a good clip and let you ponder over that. And since everyone has seen that Phoenix boy on Letterman, I thought I'd run the first trailer for Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds, starring Brad Pitt, B. J. Novack from The Office, Eli Roth , the guy who directed the first Saw and Mike Myers, who I hope is playing a Nazi and gets shot hard for making The Love Guru. This should be good old fashioned QT violence from the looks of it all.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Cussin' Up A Storm

Being that I love to write, I also love words, including the sound of them, not just the onomatopoeia. Words like "jiggly". "Googly-Moogly". "Uvula". There are others, but these are the simple ones. Curse words are different. They aren't supposed to be used out loud in front of certain folks. I could give a damn, personally. I just love to cuss.

First up, I don't call it "cursing". "Cursing" means that there are spells, potions and old frogs legs thrown into a huge black cauldron, then saying an incantation around it. I say "cussin'" because that's the old fashion Southern way. That's when there's cards, beer and streamed crabs thrown on a kitchen table and everybody's got something to say about everything. That's "cussin'", y'all.

Now, people aren't supposed to say them in the first place. It's wrong and your mama taught you that. Yet, your mama cursed out loud when ever you did something stupid when you were a kid and she does it to this day. But, I'll bet you that she won't slap you in the back of your head if she ever heard you cuss around her. Grownup or not, you do not curse around your mama because you love her and you don't want to get the switch as you get older.

When I was growing up, I was told that if I ever said a swear word around my mama, she would tear my behind up. She'd beat me until she got tired if I ever cussed and so I never did. Until a little thing called Home Box Office entered my life and my life was changed forever and I became the twisted man that I am now.

I wrote about George Carlin during the time of his death and one of the things I mentioned was that George loved words, but it was his "Seven Dirty Words" routine changed me forever as I learned words I had never heard before as a kid. Soon, Richard Pryor came along and I was transformed into a hardcore cuss machine. Mama never heard the words, but everybody else did. In school, at the corner store, around friends, girls, whomever wanted or needed to hear them. Man, cussin' was fun! Out of all the firsts in a teen's life, cussin' was near at the top!

As of now, I have become a Cuss Master of High Class: I'm not up there with the best of them (George, Richard, Redd Foxx), but I can hold my own. I would never really do it here on the blog or in a school paper because curse words can make a person look ignorant. If that was all anyone said to everyone, to paraphrase Eddie Murphy back when he did stand up and could nearly outdo Mr. Pryor, then you'd look stupid. There is an art to the swear and there are some people out there who are just sloppy at using them. I mean really. Say the word like you mean it.

For example, if I were on Inside The Actor's Studio and James Lipton were to ask me from the list of questions (as compiled by Bernard Pivot) what was my favorite curse word, I would have to say M*********. Now, let's look at the spelling of that word. It's not spelled the way most know it, which is M***********. There's more letters there in the original version, but that's not the way I learned to say it. I never heard it said correctly until Richard Pryor: Live at the Sunset Strip in 1979. From that Friday night on, I was on the road and ridin' dirty. I was like a gunslinger with that word because folks never knew when I'd go for my guns. I was the Bret Maverick of M*********s and bodies hit the floor.

What killed me though was whenever I heard folks who'd never really hit the streets say it. No, not just White guys. I mean, like Prince. He was a freak and all with the ladies, but when you heard him look for his dad after his mom winds up the hospital in Purple Rain, I swear (pardon the pun) oyu hit the ground laughing. A serious scene yes, but it's still funny in a cheesy way yelling out, "Where are you, man? Where are you, m***********?" Oh my stars, that was a classic.

In the end, you'll never hear me cuss on paper but if you catch me on an off day from everything, you will get a good swear word or two out of me. Either someone has gotten in my way on the road or somebody told a funny joke, or I just lost a sock, or I just met up with a friend. Notice by the way that I use M********* during each of those events very effectively. Next to the word "the", it really is the best utility word ever created.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Really Lazy Sunday

I got the laptop I use for work today at home with me, so I thought it would be a good time as any to write a post. After the week I've have, I don't think that's gonna happen. Let's just say it is what it is and I'm glad to still be still here. Yes, it was that bizzare,

Instead, I'm gonna just post a viedo from The Lonely Island. Andy Samberg and the boys have a new album out this week called Incredibad, "D*** in A Box", "J*** in My Pants" and this clip featuring T-Pain called "I'm On A Boat". I think this is their first song that doesn't have an askerisk in the title.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Let's Play Sam Libs!


Here's all you need to do: fill in Cristian Bale's transcribed rant at a lighting director for Terminator: Salvation (courtesy of The Telegraph)with vowels, nouns and other funny words or sounds! Good Luck!

Christian Bale: Am I going to walk around and rip your Noun lights down,

in the middle of a scene? Then why the Animal are you walking right

through? Ah-da-da-dah, like this in the background. What the Verb is it with

you? What don't you Adverb understand? You got any Celebrity Name

idea about, hey, it's Relative/Kid Curse word distracting having somebody

walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the Body Function scene? Give me a

Animal/Color answer! What don't you get about it?

Shane Hurlbut: I was looking at the light.

Bale: Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was Eighties'Hair

Metal Band
good, because it's useless now, isn't it?

Hurlbut: OK.

Bale: Noun/color sake man, you're amateur. McG, you got Noun/fruit

something to say to this Body Part?

Director Joseph 'McG' McGinty Nichol: I didn't see it happen.

Bale: Well, somebody should be Pronoun watching and keeping an eye on him.

McG: Fair enough.

Bale: It's the second time that he doesn't give a 70’s TV Show about what is

going on in front of the camera, all right? I'm trying to pronoun”ing” do a

scene here, and I am going "Why the Singer You Hate is Shane walking in

there? What is he doing there?" Do you understand my mind is not in the scene if

you're doing that?

Hurlbut: I absolutely apologise. I'm sorry, I did not mean anything by it.

Bale: Stay off theJewish term set man. For TV Show sake. Alright,

let's go again.

McG: Let's just take a minute.

Bale: Let's not take a Ice Cream Flavor minute, let's go again.

Bale: I'm going to Animal/ Fighting Move kick your Verb ass if you

don't shut up for a second! All right?

Unknown voices: Christian, Christian. It's cool.

Bale: I'm going to go... Do you want me to Dance Move go trash your lights?

Do you want me to Football Team trash 'em? Then why are you trashing my

scene?

Hurlbut: I'm not trying to trash your scene.

Bale: You are trashing my scene!

Hurlbut: Christian, I was only...

Bale: You do it one more Really Obscure Word time and I ain't walking on this set if you're still hired. I'm Food You Hate serious. You're a nice guy. You're a nice guy, but that don't Old West Word cut it when you're
Pronoun”ing” around like this on set.

How the animal did you do?

Makin' Bacon With Macon

Time for some Wednesday Bacony Goodness with Matt Patker and Trey Stone from South Park and their new friend, Macon. I don't know about you, but if a pig can enjoy bacon as much as we all do then I guess there's nothing wrong with it. BACON ROCKS.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Fear and Loathing In College

Maybe it's because I'm older than most of the students in my classes. Maybe the life experiences I've gone through made me a bit wiser or I'm just paranoid. All I know is this: I think I loath some of my fellow students at college.

This goes way back to when I was a student at Thunderbolt Elementary School. I was seven years old, but my reading skills were more advanced than the rest of the class which made me special, yet at the same time I was also diagnosed as hyperactive which also made me special. The teacher, Miss Milligan, would read to the students during breaks and one of the books she read from was Charlotte's Web by E.B.White. One day, she asked to students to pass the book around and read aloud from the selected chapter. While most kids were struggling to sound the words, I was reading every word correctly and clearly without a mistake. Miss Milligan noticed that and the next day she had me read an entire chapter aloud by myself. From that day on, all the kids looked at me like I was William Holden in Stalag 13. I was a sellout rat fink who needed to be invited to a pillow party right after school.

Ever since, I've always looked aver my shoulder as to who's keeping an eye on me, especially these days. When you're the older guy in college, folks don't pay too much attention to you for the most part. However, you pick up on a reference that the instructor's talking about, say the old proverb "The Nail" as it connects to Causation in a Torts class and folks kind of look at you funny. At least, you think they do.

For the record, it's not my fault that I know all these things and they don't. I did my twelve years of school and two and a half years of college in the Eighties, but I also did loads of reading before, between and after that time. I tend to hang on to arcane things that keep my mind wandering constantly. If I pick up on something that has my interest, I'll sop it up like gravy on a biscuit and hold on to the info until it's needed. Just because the other guys don't do that is their own fault. Perhaps if they'd break out of box they were kept in and thought about some expansion in their world, then could understand how a person like me feels.

In the end, all I'm trying to do is graduate to get the diploma that I so deserve for all the hard work I've been putting into my classes since I started back. There are students here at South University and other schools, colleges and universities who are trying to do that same as I do and who may get looked at in an even worse light. Even at a job, there are the folks who get picked on by co-workers because they are looked on by higher-ups as being smarter than most. Just to let everyone know, we just want a fair break. Yeah, we may be smarter than some but we can do the job just as well and if we put out minds to it, possibly better. In today's climate, anyone who's returning to school just wants to get their diploma so they can have a better future for their families. If some folks were smart enough to get and extra education, then they should be smarter not to hinder everyone else and help instead.