Sunday, January 25, 2004


Well, I made it to the local paper again. This time, my photo, but not my quotes, made it in a story about comics and the shape of the industry. I need to get a publicist to stop all this paparazzi. Maybe folks will know I''m not just a "local bartender"/ DJ.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Please Sir or Madam, can you read my book?

Let me say, for the record, that I just don't appreciate nothing.

Around last October of last year, I was contacted by Meg Beckum of local paper, the Savannah Morning News on what I would put on an ultimate mix CD. I figured, why not? It'll get my name out more and give a boost to the webblog. So, I quickly typed out what I would listen to, say, if there were no more music made ever, or I had to go to a Michael Bolton concert and needed something to listen to. After languishing for months on the shelf after it was completed, I got an email from Meg on Tuesday, letting me know that they were finally going to publish my piece in Thursday's paper, and that she needed to get a photo of me on Wednesday. I had no time to call the Queer Eye guys for a Metrosexual makeover, so yesterday I just threw on the cleanest clothes I had left and got it done. I thought all went well and couldn't wait to see what I had written.

Now, let's fast forward to today. I got up, grabbed a cup of coffee and a bagel and went to dialysis. But, not before I went to the store to get today's paper. I didn't even glance at it until I got to the clinic. As soon as I walked in, all the nurses had comments. "Look at the big star! Oooh, Sam! You just popular, baby." I finally got to sit down and look at the paper to see how it came out. Here's the web version of the story, with what could be the first time any of you have seen me.

Let me just say, it's not bad. I hate the picture. I wish I had a stunt double take the photo. I told mostly everyone there at the clinic, it wasn't me. It was my EEEEEVIL twin, Kenny. Bad, Kenny.

Now for the most part, it's kinda cool to get your stuff shown. I would have hoped to get in a plug for the pages, but it never happened. I'm upset about it, but what can you do with a paper that still publishes "Cathy" and "Andy Capp"? Still, it's out there.

There was one thing that was interesting about going to the clinic today. For a while, there was a old lady who sat across from me who just stared at me the whole time. There's lots of pepperpots that go to the clinic and is full of them. This old crone was different. She had to be in her late sixtes, possibly nearing REALLY FRICKING OLD and all she did for the most part while she was there is stare at me. I nodded my head hello to her and she just stared like I was the one to give her the gift of life to rejuvenate her youthfulness. After a while, her daughter, or granddaughter, or virgin sacrifice came in. The old lady looked at the younger one and said in a sarcastic stage whisper, " He was in the paper today. He must think he's special." I just hid in front of my sports section and tried not to throw any blood clots at her. I'm just happy that I finally got something in the paper that's not crime related.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Hail, Caul-lee-phon-eeya

I got this in the mail today from my freind Janice. Not my ex-wife. She wants nothing to do with me. Nontheless, You know your from California when:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation

in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is

named Breeze.

5.. You can't pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown,

and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. You can't pot illegal?

10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You

don't even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball

cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who

delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

17. You can't pot illegal?

18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:


19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks

himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy

with their cells or pagers.

21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour

early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????

23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

24. The Terminator is your new governor.

Monday, January 05, 2004

That's What Festivus Means To Me

I know that most of you may have asked just was Festivus, since I mentioned it in my holiday greeting. I finally found someone who has the proper definition of it here. Unfortunatly, it's over. But, I do hear from Mark Evanier that National Gorrilla Suit Day is coming soon. I hope I can get a baboon suit soon for this one.

My New Year's Resolution...

Is not to have any. You have too many folks saying that they won't overeat, swear off the other/same sex, won't drink, won't smoke, won't go on a yellow light, won't watch tv, won't listen to the radio, won't listen to friends, won't watch "Friends", won't do blah-blah-blah. The saps wind up just doing it all over again three days later. I'm not saying that's me, though. I don't even watch "Friends". This year, all I want is a new kidney. Oh...and a X-Box.