Sunday, November 06, 2005

Never Poke A Sleeping Wolverine With A Pointy Stick

Since it's been a bit since I've told folks how things have been, let's do it now, as I am a gloryhound. Okay, not really. But, I gotta be honest about that. For the longest time, I used to be the self-depreciating person in the world. I hated everything about me, skull on down and everything inbetween. After years of that, it just got bad to the point where I needed a shrink. It helped, thank goodness. Mind you, there's still a couple of things I don't like. Having dialysis is one of them. Being single is the other. But, I've learned that there are things in life you can't control. Just do the best with what you've got and you'll be fine.

If I am proud of anything, it's my singing. I was brought up by a woman who taught me how to hit the notes and do it well. I never really looked at a singing career, although I should. I've got a great high baritone/mid tenor voice that I'm proud of, plus I'm pitch perfect, which means that on a good day, I can mimic a lot of singers, from Otis Redding and Ray Charles to John Lennon and Elton John. I'm that damn good.

So last night, I got in some practice by going to a bar where one of my best and oldest friends Patty tends and do some kareoke to keep in shape. If you can just go to a bar where there's karoke and no alcohol, it would be a perfect thing for me, but that'll never happen. Booze and bad singing seem to go together well in some places.

This bar itself was no help pat all. It's called The Captain's Lounge and is the biggest s---hole on the face of the earth, but I go there only because Patty works there. It's filled with rednecks, meth users, losers, crack users and rednecks. The place has no windows because if it did, someone would get thrown out of one at least once a week. Somehow, I have gone through the place a million times without having to throw one punch. With is a good thing, because I'm a lover and not a fighter.

However, after doing a particularly stirring version of "Wanted: Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi, a man who was sitting next to me got out of his seat and told me that I as a pretty good singer. Then, punched me in my left arm and walked away. Hard. It wouldn't have been so bad if this wasn't the arm I just has surgery on and use for dialysis. Actually, they did surgery on both arms and they're more sensitive than ever, thanks to that. Let's just say that I was hurting and honkin' pissed at the same time.

When Patty saw what happened, she was shocked because she knows my temper. When threatened, the Sam Johnson will very politely grab you by the collar and whip you like inflation. He will beat you like a thirteen year old with his first Playboy. He will hit you so hard, Alexander Graham Bell would have to invent the telephone to tell everybody how hard he hit you.

That would not be however, as I've mellowed out since those old days and now have become a pufferfish. You know...They just blow themselves up just to scare the other guys off. That's me these days. I'm too tired to scrap. So, when our boy comes back (let's just call him "Merle", cause that's what he looked like) he just sat down next to me like nothing ever happened, as drunk as a skunk. I then just got close up to him and in a very deep, but soft voice said, "You know Merle, when you punched me in the arm, it hurt. You may not have realized how bad it hurt me, but it did. Now, you don't know me from Adam, Merle. But that hurt. My friends don't punch me in the arm. They don't punch me. Ever. If I were to punch you in the sternum, you would know how much pain my arm is in right now. But I won't punch you in the sternum, Merle. Just never punch me again. Never touch me again. Ever. Or, I will punch you in the sternum. Oh, and thanks for the compliment about my singing."

Merle just sat there with this scared look on his face, realizing that the nicest, most soberest person in the bar just told him he was gonna get his sternum punched. If he knew what and where his sternum was.

Is there a moral to this story? Nope, not really. I just wanted to just let you know I'm doin' okay. Hope you have a good week.

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