Saturday, December 30, 2006

The 2006 Sammy Awards!

Yes, it's time for our yearly awards of stuff that tickles us, made us sick, or just plain out irritated the Hell out of us. Moreso me than you maybe, but since someone took it upon them selves to bring back "According to Jim" out of the blue, then I gott every right to do a year end list. Each winner gets a kidney shaped award and a box of Rice-a-Roni, The San Fransico Treat. Now, let's give away some awards...

The Sammy for Best Song That Got Played To Death, But Still Sounds Good Everytime You Hear It: "Crazy" by Gnarles Barkley. I found out about this song in February and knew that it would take a while for everyone to catch up to it. When it did, it became a monster hit. I'm glad for that and glad for Cee-lo and Danger Mouse.

The Sammy for Catch Phrase That's Now As Dead As Techno: "I'm Bringn' Sexy Back". I'll admit, I was part of the goofs that used it when the song was a hit. Justin has moved on, so should you if you're still using it. Speaking of Justin...

The Sammy For Funniest Moment I Had While Trying To Sleep On A Saturday Night: "**** In A Box". Saturday Night Live has it's best moments these days whenever they pull out one of their Digital Shorts, but when Timberlake hosted a few weeks ago, the show pulled off a great feat: The whole show was actually great from top to bottom, with the now classic short as the topping on the cake. I'll link to the censored version of the song, since the uncensored version is all over the place.

The Sammy For Favorite TV Show To Not To Call Me For ANYTHING Award (THREE WAY TIE): "Heroes" is a show that I have watched from the beginning and have been hooked for its style and the way super powers would be treated in the real world, while "Smallville" comes back after last year's slump and not only brings up Green Arrow, but the upcoming formation of the Justice League of America in January. The fanboy in me can't wait. As for funny, I gotta give it to "30 Rock". Tina Fey is a great straightman for all the craziness of the show and finally, we get to see Alec Baldwin become the comic genius he was destined to be.

The Sammy One Way Ticket To Hell Grant: Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, K-Fed and the person who told Britney to go commando.

The Sammy Award For Overkill: YOU winning the award for Person of The Year from Time Magazine. Shame on all of you for even accepting such a crappy awards and you know who you are. First, there wasn't any montages, Halle Berry wasn't there to present you and you couldn't even see yourself on the freakin' cover. You should all be ashamed of your greed.

The Sara Elizabeth Jackson Honorary Award to Those Gone and Not Forgotten: We lost some great folks this year. Don Knotts, Robert Altman, Joe Barbera, Ruth Brown, Shelly Winters and James Brown are just some of them. They will all be missed.

The Sammy Award For The REAL Person of The Year: YOU. After all, you keep coming back here to see what I'm scribling this time. Thanks for that and I'll see you in 2007. Cheers.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Let Him Dangle

By the time most of you read this, Saddam Hussein willl have been dead at the end of a rope for his crimes. I don't know how most of you feel about capitol punishent, but as for me when it comes to this guy, I say he's getting off lucky by going out like this. I posted the news on My Space earlier and got some coments on it, but someone left this one...

"How old is saddam? He must be getting on. We are all born to die, so executing someone really isn't a punishment now is it, cutting someone life a little shorter is not a punishment..that is why I say there are far worse things than death, coz once you are dead, it's all over...quick and painless...people like Saddam deserve worse than death. "

All I have to say it to that is SOMEBODY has to make up for me losing James Brown this week and it may as well be him. Now that is what we called in the Seventies "The Big Payback".

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Super Bad

Man, yesterday had to be the worst Christmas I ever experienced. First, I worked all day at the radio station from five in the morning until seven in the evening due to...Well, don't get me started. This is why I decided to stop talking about my job here. Needless to say, I was already tired when I got the news of James Brown's death. That had taken a hard day and turned it into heartrending.

I got a call from my boss telling me to put together a report on the death for some of the stations by getting audio for the online news wire. I opted not to go that route and one hour before I hit the air, I put the report together myself using my personal CD of music ("James Brown-Twenty All Time Greatest Hits") and rewriting reports and what I already knew about the man. This story became personal to me and I wanted to give the man the best tribute I could. I truthfully haven't done a news story since 9/11 and this was almost as hard and as saddening to write. But I did it and it ran all Christmas Day.
The one thing that kids these days don't understand is that before there were music videos of everyone dancing, before there were rappers talking about the streets, before any of these guys had a beat, there was James Brown. There will never, EVER be anyone that could match the man. They may bite the style and make it theirs, but they will never be able to top it. Ever. Not Justin, Usher or Michael Jackson. Not Jay-Z, Nas, nor Public Enemy. Not the Chili Peppers, Linkin Park, or The Rolling Stones. No one. The Man gave us FUNK. That is history

Monday, December 25, 2006

"Say It Loud (I'm Black and I'm Proud)"

I'm sorry to disrupt your Christmas with sad news, but Mike Evans, co-creator of the seventies sitcom Good Times" and the first Lionel of The Jeffersons and All In The Family has passed away. Also leaving us this morning, The Godfather Of Soul, The Hardest Working Man In Show Business has sadly taken his final bow. If you grew up in the that ear, then you know how hard both those deaths are to anyone growing up then. They'll both be missed.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Carl And The Christmas Present

It was Christmas Eve in Savannah once again. There wasn't any snow on the ground, but you could tell the holiday was here, from the smell of cookies being baked, the lights of the trees in the houses, and everyone shopping the stores to get presents for their loved ones. And Carl Wintergarten was doing just that at this moment. He had gone online this year to pick presents for all his friends. He got a subcription for the Fish of the Month Club for his parents. He bought a remote control muscle car for Sam. He bought cards for all of his friends. With all the things that he purchased, he forgot one person for Christmas: His puppy friend, Bippy.

Carl sat and sat for hours wondering what to get his friend. Bippy was definitly on his list of folks this year as every year, but somehow with all the things he had done for everyone, Carl simply forgot. He didn't mean to. It just happened.

Carl knew he had to do something, but what could he do? He couldn't just face Bippy on Christmas Day without a gift. It would be wrong of him, he thought. So, he ran to Sam while he was putting the last touches on the tree. "Sam, Sam! We have to go shopping NOW! I forgot to get a present for Bippy this year and I don't know what to get him! I can't go online and shop, 'cause it'll be too late!"

Sam looked at Carl and told him to take a deep breath and calm down. "Carl, I hate to say this but it's sort of last minute now. It's Christmas Eve and the stores are gonna close soon. There may be nothing left in the stores at this point."

Carl said, "There just has to be something out there. Please Sam. Take me to the Mall and let me get something for Bippy." So, off in the car they went, through bad traffic. Through driving for what seemed hours to find a parking space. Trudging through crowds and crowds of other last minute shoppers to finally get to the front door of the Mall, only to hear over the loudspeakers, "The Mall will be closing in thirty minutes."

Sam looked tired, but Carl had an idea. "I got it! We'll split up! You go take one end of the Mall and I'll take the other. That way, we can both find something Bippy would like!" Before Sam could stop Carl, he had already scampered off into the crowd to the point where he couldn't be seen. Carl is, after all, very small. Carl ran and ran to each store window looking to see if there was something that Bippy would like, but unsure if it would be perfect. Sam meanwhile was looking around and asking folks if they had seen a penguin running around, which gave him very strange looks from people. Soon a voice came over the mall loudspeakers that said, "The Mall will be closing in fifteen minutes. Merry Christmas!" Sam knew he had to find Carl and get that present quick.

Finally, Carl found himself in front of the pet store where he saw in the window the perfect gift: A Neverending Chewbone. His eyes opened wide and he said, "Perfect!" as he started to walk in. But just as he did, a security guard walked up to him and said, "What are you doing in here? We don't allow unacompanied minors here in the Mall, especially unacompanied minor penguins!" Carl got scared and ran as quickly as he could to get away from the guard, but the man was on his tailfeathers. Carl dipped and ducked as much as he could through the crowd looking for Sam, but he couldn't see him. He knew he had to get away, so he ran into a children's clothing store. There, he saw a jumpsuit and a hat on a rack. He grabbed it without anyone looking, through the clothes on, jumped in the store window and stood as still as he could be. However, it wasn't a help as the guard ran by, stopped and noticed a penguin wearing kid's clothes. The guard grabbed Carl, who saw squawking and screaming for Sam to show up and off they went to the guard's office.

When they got there, the guard sat Carl down and told him that he didn't want to bring him here, but it was for his own good. Minors shouldn't be alone in malls, especially young penguins. They could get hurt or lost or ever worse. Carl started to cry and said he only came here to find last minute present for his friend Bippy and that he didn't mean to cause trouble. The guard asked Carl if he came with someone and the penguin told him who. The security guard got on the loudspeaker and said, "Will the owner of a very small penguin please come to Mall Customer Service, please?"

Sam heard the announcement and quickly ran to the office to find the guard and Carl sitting there and talking. "Thank goodnes I found you, Carl", said Sam. "I was looking everywhere for you!" The guard told Sam that Carl was fine, but that he shouldn't be alone in the Mall. Both Carl and Sam apologized for any trouble. Then Carl said, "Sam, we can still go get Bippy a present now, right?" Both Sam and the guard looked sadly, as the guard said the mall was now closing up for Christmas and that it was too late. Not a word was said in the car from Carl. He sat there as they drove home. When they got there, Sam made some hot cocoa for he and Carl, but the penguin wasn't feeling up to it. He felt as though he let his friend Bippy down. So, he hugged Sam goodnight and went off to his room where he went off to bed.

The next day was Christmas and all the presents were under the tree. Sam called Carl downstairs and the little bird came down slowly dressed in his pajamas. Sam said, "Carl, I've got a present under the tree for you, but I also have a surprize behind me." Carl wondered what that would be when all of a sudden who would step from behind Sam's back was his puppy friend, Bippy.

"Pandora said I could come over and spend Christmas with you guys", said the puppy who handed a box to Carl. Carl then began to cry. "I forgot to get you anything this year, Bippy. I went to the Mall at the last minute and got in trouble and I never got you a gift. I'm sorry, Bippy", said Carl. "That's okay," said the puppy. "The best present you gave me this year is just being my friend. That's all I ask for. Will you still be my friend next year, Carl?" The penguin hugged his friend and said they can be friends for ever and ever, no matter what.

Sam then looked under the tree and said and said, "Carl, you must have forgotten that you did get a gift for Bippy. There's something right here with his name on it." They both looked at Sam and went to the tree and saw that under it was a package that said on it, "Merry Christmas from Carl and Sam". Bippy went to open it and there it was: A Neverending Chewbone! Carl looked surprized as Bippy hugged him and said "I always wanted one of these! It's wonderful! Thank you, Carl!" The penguin smiled as he was happy that his best friend got what he wanted. Carl got what he wanted, too. An autographed photo of Burgess Meridith and a DVD of "March of the Penguins". But he just couldn't figure out how Bippy's present got under the tree. Maybe it was Santa, but however it got there he was happy either way. Because he got to share his friendship for the holidays, which is the best present anyone can give.

And as he put away the ink pen before Bippy and Carl could see it, Sam wished Carl, Bippy and YOU a very Merry Christmas.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Almost Christmas

Just a reminder: The annual Christmas story will be up and ready Christmas Eve morning for the famliy. It's called "Carl and The Christmas Present" and is a very funny and heartwarming story for the holidays about friendship. I hope you'll enjoy it. But, before we get too happy happy, joy joy around here, here's a twisted take on "The 12 Days Of Christmas" from the band Taking Back Sundays.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Even Our Name Says "Merry Christmas"

Exciting news for penguin fans out there. I'm working on this year's Carl Wintergarten Chistmas story and will have it up on Sunday for everyone to see and enjoy with their family for the holidays. For those who just come here and don't really search around the page, Carl is our mascot who keps watch on the right side of the screen. I think I have a really heartwarming story that everyone will enjoy. I'll also reprint past stories on the My Space page, which has now been christened The Real Sam Johnson Show. That's right, playa hatas. It's back and it's funny. So, to get you all into the mood of the season, here's a classic from waaaaay back: The Norelco Santa.

Blew your mind with this video, didn't I?

Sunday, December 17, 2006

A Scrubs Christmas

Once a year, I try to find you something to cheer you up for the holidays. I'm on the fence this year about a Carl Wintergaten Christmasd story this time out and I may have a solution for that down the pike, but right now I have found this floating along the internets, combining the classic tv special A Charlie Brown Christmas with the cast of one of my favorite shows that's back for what may be it's last season, Scrubs. You may be surprised who plays who, but it's fun to hear this line from Dr. Cox/Linus: "Tell me something, Newbie...If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, are you still a dumbass?"

Needless to say, this is rated TV PG, so kick the kids out.

A Change Would Do You Good

As you may know from frequent reading here, I've worked in terrestial radio now since I was sixteen years old and I've had a wonderful time over the years. But lately I've felt like the business has changed in the twenty plus years I've been broadcasting. Frankly, this is more of a kid's game now, plus with dialysis, I'm more tired than ususal and you need energy to do a four hour show. Hell, you need engery for a one hour show and I don't have that these days. So, I've made a major desicion that changes everything. I, your hubmle writer, am going back to school.

That's right: I'm gonna be a student again after nearly twenty years.

As long as I've done radio, I've made everyone else happy, but it was a struggle to get where I was. In the longest radio gig I had, I grew from weekends to overnights to primetime nights, from Public Service Director to Production Director to Assistant Program Director to finally Program Director, the top of the heap. That was a seven year struggle and I've programmed oother stations since then. I've programmed not just R&B as most would think, but Oldies, Amercian Standards, Top 40 and more. If you were wondering if any of the episodes of WKRP in Cincinatti were true, you bet they were and I dealt with it. However, I'm getting too old to bother with it anymore. Sometimes, I think the business doesn't want to bother with me anymore. So, I think it's best for both parties to walk away for this long affair.

I went in to South University here in Savannah on Wednesday to talk to an admissions director who explained to me what I would have to do to go there and wanted to know what classes I would have to take. I then talked to the school's disability counsellor who talked to at lenght at what's available for me classwise and that they would accomodate my needs going, letting me know that there shoulsd be scholorships and grants set up for folks like me. I was honestly a nervous wreck since everything I do now will change my life forever. The counsellor then asked me that if I wanted, would I like to start in January. I took a deep, long breath breath and said if I don't say yes now, I may never have the chance to say it again. I took the brass ring.

I was then set up for the CPT or College Placement Test for that Friday, which I took. For the record, not only did I pass the test, I CRUSHED IT. I put my foot thru the damn thing and walked away a college student and this has been the happiest I've been about anything in years.

So, what happens now? Well, on Monday I'll go back to the school to talk to financial aid about grants and whatnot and hopefully check into my major which will be Legal Studies. I 'll start off slow and go for a two year course for my Associates degree and if I do well, I'll fold that into another two years and get a Bachelor's. But whatever I do, I will have a future other than radio. It'll be hard to walk away from, but I hope that in the end, it'll be an easy walk.

As for you the reader, things are gonna be different from me just as a warning. My head will be held a bit higher now and I may become a bit prouder. After all, it's about time I got mine. All I ask from you is support and friendship. For those of you who've known me for years, keep doing what you do. For you newbies to the ol' Real Sam Johnson Show, respect me and I'll respect you. Because we're gonna ride the lightning in 2007. Oh yes...We're gonna ride.

Friday, December 15, 2006

"Say It! Say It!!"

Is this clip featuring Rodney Dangerfield and Sam Kennison one of the funniest moments of the Eighties? Is it also a clue to the future?

Wait 'til Sunday and I'll tell ya.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Holy Crap...

Here's the way I remember Peter Boyle. Next to Karloff, he was the best Frankenstien Monster ever. Thanks for the laughs.

Monday, December 11, 2006

A Christmas Meme

Once a year, I lament about living alone and not doing much for the holidays since I don't have a regular family. This year however, my mood has changed. Yeah, one day I want to go on a spending spree and buy everyone everything, but this year I've taken a Zen approach to it the holidays. I'm broke, so don't sweat it. So if you get a card from me, know it's from love and cheap pockets. Cheaper if it's an email.

So here's the thing: I gotta Christmas meme for everyone and it's very simple. Santa Claus has sent out an X-mas Genie to only the super good boys and girls out there and he's come to your house. Genies only give out three wishes, but X-mas Genies give four for Christmas. What do you ask for and remember, nothing is off bounds.
1. A dog. A very smart, cool dog that's easy to train. I'd name it Mike.


A Kenner Easy Show and a Kenner Give-A-Show Projector. I had both of these as a kid and had loads of fun with them and would have evem more fun with them as an adult. Who needs DVDs when you can watch cool old film strips? Oh, and it must have all the strips.

3 (It's my meme. The above counts as one big thing to me, okay?).

A muscle car with an unlimted gas card and free matinence from Pep Boys for life.

4. That elusive kidney so I don't have to go to dialysis anymore and have that vacation that I've always wanted.

So, If I have to pass this meme along, I'd want to hear from everyone on what the X-mas Genie, I'd love to hear from all the readers on what they'd want. But to anyone specific out there, it has to be Pandora, David, Ivan, Swan Shadow, Brent, Tom, Homer, Mike and since he's never really experienced a meme before, First Reader Dave Hewitt. Everybody has their big Christmas wish. What's yours?

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Zen and the Art of the DJ

Last night in a very chilly Savannah, I came out of retirement to DJ my first nightclub on over a year. I say "retired" because I'm getting too old for it. Once you hit forty, I think you're supposed to start listening to more adult music, like anything with less than 130 beats per minute (to be stated from this point on as "b.p.m."). But, I braved the cold weather and dialysis earlier that day to help out my friend Sam Diamond out for just one more night at a club called Doubles, which is situated in a Holiday Inn here in town. A little history of the place: I remember over twenty years ago when it first opened and it was a nightclub that played music videos (anyone my age should remember bars like that) and hosted crappy top 40 cover bands with names the The Party Gang and Trouble. I'm not sure if those bands actually played there, but if they did in your area in the eighties, they probably played crappy versions of "The Reflex".

The music now is different. It's still club based, but rap and r&b are the dance norm these days, with pop mixed in. The thing is, it's all been remixed like crazy. Here's another eighties staple: Do you remember those 12' inch singles of the hottest songs, and how they were remixed? Well, somebody out there still loves the eighties and he's dragging Gwen Stefani to the local bar. The name brand of the sound is called Ultimix. Truthfully, I like some of them, but in small doses. To hear the same beat over and over and over again would drive me crazy in the clubs. So, when I did a gig at a bar, I'd mix the beats up a bit and have a steady flow, starting off at 90 b.p.m. and working my way up for thirty to forty minutes and starting over again to give the crowd a breather. Every DJ's have a different groove, but the same objective. I just work a certain way that works for me and the crowd and I'll stick with it. However, doing it until three in the morning after all the noise, smoke and booze every weekend was too much for me to deal with as I got older, plus bar politics from who I think were some of the most ridiculous managment I had ever worked with made me just want to quit. If you know me offline, you know who I'm talking about. Not the first place, the other joint.

Back to Doubles now. I started playing songs, but nothing too dance-ish(think Rob Thomas and Maroon 5) at nine p.m. as folks started coming in from a Christmas party being heald next door. Immediatly, folks were asking when was the music gonna start. I wanted to punch them in their ears and remind them that I WAS PLAYING MUSIC, but what was on now wasn't the stuff they wanted to hear. So, I looked straight at them and told them to stick around for a bit. However, after telling them that, most of them just looked blank and asked what music was I gonna play. I would then shoot back, "Y'know, I just got this groovy record from The Statler Brothers. Why don't I just throw that one on and let's see who boogies". After saying that, the person would looked surprized, sit back down and wait. Yes, I'm a jackhole at this point, but if someone fueled by alcohol is gonna ask you a dumb question, you have every right to shut them down. And when you are a club dj, you are gonna get dummies on vokda and Red Bull showing up. I'm not saying that's you, but they are out there.

By ten p.m., the music gets faster and the crowd gets bigger. By eleven, more music and the dancefloor is packed like a woman in a heels too small for her feet, but she likes 'em anyway. The bar is busy, the folks are having a good time and I'm going into my zone, mixing one tune into another, going from "Promisous" from Nelly Fertado to "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake to "Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson and then some while friends who saw on My Space that I was back for just one night came down to show some love. All the while, keeping an eye on the crowd to sense their mood and how they were dancing.

Now, the following isn't p.c., but I'm gonna say it anyways because it needs to be said. When it comes to dancing, race and sex is important to a club dj. We'll break it down from first to worst...

Black Men and Women: That's all that needs to be said. When Black women hit the floor, so do Black men. It don't matter how old they are. They have the rythym to get their groove on. Before I continue on, I can say that being Black, so don't start with that Jimmy the Greek crap at me, please. I'm not Gregory Hines, but I can keep up if I wanted. I prefer old school soul, personally.

White Women: Okay, now this is interesting. I've seen White chicks dance with Black men, White men and other White chicks. All of them very freakalisious, as the Fergie song goes. I don't know what it is but it's always White chicks between the age of twenty-one and thirty getting their freak on by any means nessesary after a Jaggerbomb and it's a sight. It's like watching a Britney Spears video with them.

Gay Men: More the Gay White Male than the Gay Black Male. I don't know what it is, but I have seen more Gay white men act like strong Black women on the dance floor than even the strong Black women. Plus, they really love the music. Sometimes, they were my best customers, God bless them.

Straight White Males: To quote Eddie Murphy, what do y'all dance to: the words or the beat? This has to be the saddest thing in the world to watch a straight White guy attempt to dance. Either he's trying to hard or he's just there to make his girlfriend/wife/possible booty call feel good. Truthfully, there were some White guys out there on the floor who tried their darnest to keep up, but they just couldn't, bless their souls. They were out there doing The Monkey and The Twist to 50 Cent. Did you know that the dance that the charater Carlton on "The Fresh Prince of Bell Air" is called The White Boy? Watch the show next time and know there's a reason why they call it "The White Boy" when you see 'em dance. Oh, and don't bring up Travolta. He has money and a teacher.

My night ended around 2:45am when I gave last call and told everyone to home. Folks danced, booze flowed and everyone was happy, telling me I did a good job after not spinning for over a year. That made me feel great and I had a wonderful time, but I was spent focusing all my energy into the mix for nearly six hours. Plus, I had to be at work at the station in three hours that morning and that's where we are now. My feet hurt from standing alot, my head throbs still from 125b.p.m. and I slept on the studio floor after leaving the club for fear of going home to my own bed and getting too comfortable to get up for work. I'm grumpy and I'm forty, I know that. But if you were there at Doubles last night, I'll bet I made you dance your ass off. 'Cause I still got it.

UPDATE If you've never seen Carlton do the dance, here it is in all it's glory. I wasn't trying to be a jerk about it, but believe me. If you just went to a bar or club and just sit back with a Coke and just people watch like I do, you'd see some pretty hilarous stuff and thank your lucky stars that you aren't out there with those crazies.

Friday, December 08, 2006

No Fair!

I didn't know about this until today, but it turns out that NBC is rrunning the remake of the Rankin-Bass Christmas classic "The Year without A Santa Claus" this Monday. You know the one with the Heat Miser and the Snow Miser? And the whole show was done with stop motion animation? Well this time, it's live action. With Harvey Firestein as the Heat Miser and Michael McKeon as the Snow Miser. This is wrong at least nine ways to Sunday. Don't believe me? Well, here's a clip...

For those of you who remember them properly, here's the original version of The Heat Miser's song...

And here's the original Snow Miser's version.

You wanna know who's on the naughty list? NBC if they screw this up.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I'm Gettin' Nuttin For Christmas But Arrested

You've heard the story of the twelve year old South Carolina kid who was busted by the cops after his mom found out that the boy had gone thru his presents to find his gift and snuck it to his room to play with it. Many bloggers have commented that the mom was crazy for snitching to the fuzz like that. Because nobody likes a snitch. However, the kid was already a troublemaker according to his mom and she's done almost everything to get this kid straight. Speaking as someone who's been down that road before, actually did the right thing. When I was twelve, I got busted for shoplifting a week before Christmas and almost went behind bars. When My folks saw me later after the cop gave me the shakedown, I knew my holiday was over and I was getting nothing. But it taught me a huge lesson that crime doesn't pay. So our little pal is lucky. At least she didn't whoop the hell out of him.

Don't worry...I didn't get a whooping, either.

Monday, December 04, 2006

A Man and His Pig

It's sad when you lose a good friend. It's even sadder when that companion is a pet. But, what if it's a pig? The Last Coolest Man In America lost his pal porker Max after fifteen years of folks going, "George Clooney has a pet pig"?
Services will be held Saturday at 11am. A BBQ will be held at noon.
Do you eat a pet chicken after it dies? If you have a farm out there, let me know.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Ahhh, Limoncello

I happened to catch Danny DeVito's drunken rant on The View when it happened (not that I watch the show or anything, really. Really...) and thought it was great live television. But I think the best part of the appearance was when he mention that he did seven shots of Limoncello with George Clooney the night before. That alone has given the Italian drink it's biggest exposure yet here in the U.S. .

I fisrt discovered Limoncello watching Mario Batali on Food Network giving a tour of a liqueur plant in Italy making the stuff and I was fasinated, being a fan of lemon slushies, of course. Then one day after being invited to my friends Jeff and Tina's for dinner, I was offered a glass of the drink they had picked up from their visit to Tuscany. After one sip, I was hooked on the stuff. If you've had it before, you know what I'm talking about. However, buying a bottle can be expensive since it's mosty imported. However, leave it to little ol' me to find a recipe on how to make your own, courtesy of What's Cooking America. Yes it's a summer drink, but it also goes great in hot teas during winter.

15 lemons*
2 (750 ml) 100-proof vodka**
4 cups sugar 5 cups water
* Choose thick-skinned lemons because they are easier to zest.
** Use 100-proof vodka, which has less flavor than a lower proof one. Also the high alcohol level will ensure that the limoncello will not turn to ice in the freezer.

Wash the lemons with a vegetable brush and hot water to remove any reside of pesticides or wax; pat the lemons dry.
Carefully zest the lemons with a zester or vegetable peeler so there is no white pith on the peel. NOTE: Use only the outer part of the rind. The pith, the white part underneath the rind, is too bitter and would spoil your limoncello. Check out my web page on How to Zest.

Step One: In a large glass jar (1-gallon jar), add one bottle of vodka; add the lemon zest as it is zested. Cover the jar and let sit at room temperature for at least (10) ten days and up to (40) days in a cool dark place. The longer it rests, the better the taste will be. (There is no need to stir - all you have to do is wait.) As the limoncello sits, the vodka slowly take on the flavor and rich yellow color of the lemon zest.
Step Two: In a large saucepan, combine the sugar and water; cook until thickened, approximately 5 to 7 minutes. Let the syrup cool before adding it to the Limoncello mixture. Add to the Limoncello mixture from Step One. Add the additional bottle of vodka. Allow to rest for another 10 to 40 days.
Step Three: After the rest period, strain and bottle: discarding the lemon zest. Keep in the freezer until ready to serve.

EIGHTY DAYS? Damn. Well if I start now, it'll be near March when it's done. If I keep it in the freezer for at least two months and resist temptation, it's perfect for the summertime. Oh, and don't expect too many recipes for anything from me. This was a once in a while deal, and I've been busy and needed to fill.

Dusting Off The Turntables

Here's the big event I was talking about Friday, From My Space:


When:Dec 10 2006 10:00pm

Where::Doubles in the Holiday Inn Midtown7100 Abercorn

Savannah, GA 31406US View Map

Doubles Nightclub is wrapping up 2006 with the hottest DJs in the Coastal Empire... And Saturday December 9th, Doubles welcomes DJ SAM JOHNSON to the booth!! Those who have partied Downtown in Savannah know Sam Johnson as the ingredient that MADE hot spots such as the Bar Bar and Wet Willies!!
Doubles has just signed the agreement and secured the services of DJ Sam Johnson for SATURDAY, DECEMEMBER 9th!! IT'S OFFICIAL!!!
Great drink specials, plenty of parking and NO COVER!! Doubles Nightclub located at the corner of Abercorn & Eisenhower inside the Holiday Inn!! The HOTTEST Dance Club on the Southside of Savannah!!

Okay, I didn't write the above, but it is true. If you're down this way, stop on if for a bit and shake your bum for awhile. I'll be happy to see ya.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Flame On!

I've been really busy this week with something special I'll tell you about on Sunday. Until I get back, watch the heralded reunion of Richard Simmons and Dave Letterman. Six years in the making for this special moment. I'll leave the jokes to you. Make 'em good...

Sunday, November 26, 2006

"Paul Revere-A Bedtime Story"

Adapted by Dutch of Sweet Juniper. If I had kids, I would definetly read them this story. This is better than Dr Seuss and Harry Potter combined. Now if we can just get LL Cool J to stop making kids books...

Chicken 'N Beer For Thanksgiving

Okay, we're back. I hope your Thanksgiving Day was worthwhile and you gave thanks for what you have in life. Now, for those of you who wondered if I had a great Turkey Day and thanks for asking, yes I did. Sorta. See, the day started out with me going to dialysis that morning. That's right: bloodletting waits for noone. I promptly went in around 7:30 that morn and got "jacked into the matrix" for a few hours. By the time I was done, I was too tired for anything else as usual, so I went home to take a nap. Now, I had bought some turkey breasts and had planned on cooking them that day, but there was no way that I was gonna stand in front of that stove that day. So I did the next best thing and prayed that my brother Anthony didn't go out of town as he and his family are wont to do every year at this time. Which he didn't. So, I talked to his wife and she told me to take a nap and come over for grub. Which I did.

After the nap and the meal later, both of which were great, I drove off to work to go produce CNN Headline News for the news/talk station. I've been doing that now for about a two months and have been quiet about it, since it's just the satellite feed and I'm just making sure that the local commercials are inserted at the right time. The thing is, I'm only doing it for one hour a day and of all the days to be there, Thanksgiving Day was the wrong day to be there. Oh, things went fine and all, but really. I was too worn out to be there to deal with it. FOR ONE HOUR. Someone will suffer for that. Oh yes, they will suffer...

Finally, I made a promise to pal/co-worker Damien that I would stop by his place for what could become an annual event. The First Annual Chicken 'N Beer Party Extravaganza. Let me explain: I've worked with a lot of folks with a good sense of humor, but nothing that could go toe to toe with mine, which as you know is pretty messed up. Damien can match me word for word, twist to twist. If I had to do a morning zoo radio show, he would get equal billing. So, when he came up with the idea of having chicken and beer for Thanksgiving the night before, I said make a party out of it and that he did. He and I sent out more bulletins on My Space on that than Tom would on spammers that week. Thank God only a few folks showed up, otherwise we'd have run out of drumsticks before we knew it. By the way, I have to thank Bojangles Fried Chicken as the official sponsor of the event, as it was the only chicken place, if not the only fast food place in America open on Thanksgiving.

In all, I had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day. I was thankfull for my health, my family, my job and my friends and Bojangles, almost in that order. I hope that yours was just as pleasent.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


I'm gonna say this and I want all the readers, especially those in Montana to understand. I don't want snow around me. Like, here in the South. Like In Savannah. Like, IN FRICKIN' NOVEMBER.

It actually snowed yesterday here. It wasn't much. Only 1" to 2" inches and it didn't stick. The High here was only 45 degrees, but the wind was coming in around 10 to 15 mph thanks to a front that brought rain which turned into sleet, which turned into snow. That kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen here in Savannah. IN NOVEMBER. FOlks here don't knw how to drive anyway when it's raining. A snow fall will freak their freak. You ever see a turkey in the rain? They actually drown from holding their heads to the sky because they don't know to get out of the bad weather. It's kinda like that here. In case your wondering by the way, the weather shuold return to a nice balmy low to mid seventies by Saturday. You don't send snow down to Savannah in Novemeber. You'll never get to see it, much less throw a snowball at anyone.

Speaking of turkeys, have yourselves a great Thanksgiving day. I'll be back on Sunday with a full tummy by then, so typing on tryptophan sould be interesting. Go get your fill and I'll see you then.

Monday, November 20, 2006

A Stupid, Stupid Thing

I hate that I don't have internet service at home, otherwise I would have jumped on this sooner than later. For Michael Richards to do something as stupid has he did Friday night at the Laugh Factory is unacceptable, not only in my book but many others. First, as a stand up comic, you never ever get frustrated when a heckler comes along. You talk about their mother and move on to the next joke. Richards, who after many years has seeminly decided to try out stand up after only acting funny, couldn't take someone telling him his jokes stunk and went off with racial slurs. Let's just say it, which I will since I'm Black: He said the "n" word. Like, three times. If you're seeing Richard Pryor, you could understand that. If you're seeing Chris Rock, you could understand that. If you're seeing Kramer from Seinfeld saying the "n" word, you wouuld never and will never understand that.

Tonight, Richards is set to apologize on The Late Show with David Letterman for his outburst. Here's what gets me: First, it happened in L.A. at the Laugh Factory, where he should apologize. He was given entrance in the club the night after and did not say sorry then and now has been banned from the club for life for his actions, which he deserves. Second, he's going on Letterman with Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry should not have to cover for him one bit. Richards did a stupid, stupid thing, in my opinon. It just hurts me as he was a part of one the greatest, if not the greatest sitcom ever made and now, I'm not even sure if I'll ever be able to watch the show properly ever again.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Jumpin' The Couch

As ordered by the local bloggers union #912, I have to post about the Tomkat wedding, called "Movie of the year!" by Time Magazine.

Here are the vows, word for word...

Priest: And now that we are done quoting from page 243 of Battlefield Earth, we shall now do the wedding vows, which Tom and Katie have written themselves. Tom, you first.

Tom: Thank you. I vow to be a good husband this time. I vow to you that I'll be a good father this time. I promise get a better baby toupee for Suri as soon as they build a new one. I'll promise to stay off couches when your folks come over. I promise that Travolta will no longer stay overnights so we can play Maverick and Goose fight the Galactic Confederacy. I vow never to feel up your brother for Body Thetans. You can be as loud as you want the next baby we have. I promise to watch every episode of Suddenly Susan, even the episodes that sucked. I vow to L.Ron that I'll be the best guy in the world for you, Katie. Because, sometimes you have to say what the f***. Because I've got the need. The need for speed. So, respect the c*** and help me help you.

Priest: Thank you, Tom. And now it's your turn, Katie.

Katie(softly): help me...

"Let's you and him fight..."

What I'm about to show you is one of the greatest arguments of my childhood. Who would win in a fight: Batman and Robin versus The Green Hornet and Kato?

When I first saw this episode of Batman in the mid-seventies, I had only heard rumors of a "Green Hornet" series with Bruce Lee, but I never had proof until then. Then finally I saw the two part legend with the end of the second chapter dealing with The Big Fight. From that point on, I went from pretending with the neighborhood kids of playing The Dark Knight to becoming The Emerald Crusader (I made that one up since the Hornet doesn't really have the subtitle he fully deserves). From the looks of this scene from the way I see it, Batman would have sadly beaten the Hornet, but only by cheating thanks to Bats pulling something out of his utility belt to stop G.H.. However, Robin would have had his cape handed to him by Kato with a roundhouse kick and a one inch punch. This is only one geek's opinion, of course. What say you?

Friday, November 17, 2006


The one thing that amazes me is how so many folks could sit there for days on end for a stupid little box that will probably be out of date the moment you take it out of the box when the next, better system get released. Today is the day that Playstation 3 hits U.S. shores and was gone the moment the clock struck midnight on Thursday. There were robberies and shootings over s plastic box that will have bugs and defects and will have to be updated within days when players find out that programmers forgot something. Just wait and see. It happened when PS2 was released five years ago and it will happen again with this. That's why I don't have one. Not a PS3, nor ps2, nor 1. Nor any of the others, not since Super Nintendo and I'm proud.

I gave up on game systems as I got older. There were just way to many buttons on the dang things for me to deal with. Hold down the A, then press the X, while you flick the right trigger. All that for moving a giant monkey around. I know Monkeys Is Funny tm, but that is just too much for my fragile little mind. So, I stopped giving into them. This from a man who had all the classic game systems:Nintendo, Sega, Colecovision, every Atari, even the rare ones like Oddessy II with the voice box and Turbografix 16. I used to be The Man. Now, I just don't care. I'll play checkers now on the front porch and yell at the punks to get off my lawn.

Last night, as a favor for my friend and co-worker Damien, I took a trip to the local Best Buy to get reactions from folks who camped out in front of the store who wanted the game for his radio show. First of all, the line was filled with guys whoes average age was twenty-one. If they ever kissed a girl, it got boring once they played Madden '07. Second, most of those guys were speculators. Those are the ones who post bid on Ebay with their new games hoping to sell them for ten times the price they bought for. In fact, one of them was a kid/loser who worked under me at the radio station and said he wold sell his to us and we could give it away on the air. I looked at the guy and told him to go have sex with his PS3. You know I didn't say it that way, but this is a PG website, people.

Once I got to size the line, I called the radio station to give my report and went on the air. I then yelled out," Who's here for a Playstation 3?" The boys yelled and whooped up more nose than you could stand. Right after that I yelled, "Who here still lives with their parents?" The boys made even louder noise. Soon, they caught themselves in truthiness and stopped. I had to get the heck out of there afterwards. I was cold and tired and didn't want to be bothered by these guys.

Now, I know I shouldn't pick on these guys. After all, I'm a comic book geek. There are grown men who'll pay thousands of dollars for a 32 page pamplet of the first appearnace of Spider-Man if they had the case. Namely me. But to wait out days in possibly bad weather for days for something that may have defects or get shot for to quiet a yelling kid on Christmas for? Forget it. Bring on the checker board.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

First Impressions

So, did you catch Dancing WithThe Stars last night? Neither did I. I did however catch The Late Show With David Letterman's third night of Impressionists Week and I really wasn't impressed. The act on Wedensday was a guy from Vegas named Gordy Brown, who must have had his first national appearance that night. His act felt very lounge act-ish, with him turning around to change into character. In fact, when turning into Jack Nicholson, Brown did the same facial look that Fred Travelena gave the night before on the show. Dark shades, raised eyebrows and all. I felt as though I saw the same bit the previous night and then saw that act on Merv, circa 1980.

Along with Ventriloquist Week, which The late Show had done with great success months before, it's nice to see Dave bringing back of the standbys of variety shows of tv past. Seeing Rich Little again was a treat, seeing he still has the wit and humor. His Reagan was wonderful and seeing him do Carson once again brought back so many memories, if not for Dave's own. Teusday with Travellina and Wednesday with Brown were okay, but not satisfactory for me. Tonight however should be better with Frank Calliendo from Mad TV performing and Kevin Pollock on Friday to round out the week. It would have been great to see Darryl Hammond from S.N.L. there, but maybe he had a busy schedule and all. But, it's good to see a good comedy style in great form. I'm hoping to see a Jugger's Week on the show at some point, but then this is why to me, Letterman will always beat Leno.

I'll bet I started a brushfire with that statement...

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Get Back, Lorretta

Time Magazine has come out with it's list of the All Time 100 Greatest Albums That Don't Include Pink Floyd (it doesn't). The list goes by decades and the most dominant act on it is The Beatles with five albums, which is great for them. Purists however wil be upset when their latest collection called LOVE is released. I've heard a few cuts from the cd, which is the soundtrack to a new Cirque' Du Soleil production and is a mashup of various Fab Four tunes, post Revolver. I thought the tunes were fasinating after one listen, while a friend thought it was too frivoulous. If you're a Beatles fan, it is worth a listen. I kinda liked it myself, but I've always been a huge fan, so this take on classic tunes is worthwhile since the four will never record together again.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Things I may have missed this week

It would be wrong of me not to mention the passings this week of newsanchor Ed Bradley of CBS who passed away from lukemia at the age 0f 65, Gerald Levert, son of the legendary Eddie Levert of the Ojays and a smooth crooner in his own right at the age of 40 and Actor Jack Palance at the age of 87 after yelling at some punk kids who kept running on his lawn, telling them that the day wasn't over yet. Good men all...

Also, where would I be if I didn't mention Kirstie Ally in a bikini? You all may not believe this, but I saw actually rooting for her to lose that weight. I had a thing for that woman for years and she finally decides to show off some skin. So even in her mid fifties, she's still got something. So, yes: I would hit that. There. It's done. I said it. Let's just move on....

Finally, in case you missed it when they snuck it to tv Wednesday night, here's the trailer for Spider-Man 3 that will tell everyother movie in 2007 that they are pwned!
(I have always wanted to type out "pwned" after seeing it on Fark. Now that I have, I really don't see the fun in it.)

Panic At The Disco

When your between the ages of 18 to 35, the time to spend on a night out begins at 10 pm and ends when you feel like it. After 35 however, "when you feel like it" gets shorter and shorter. By the time you are forty, it turns into "It's too damn loud and my feet hurt, so I'm going home". That's how it was for me on Friday night when after a long day from work, I decided that I'm done for the day and time to celebrate that which is satellite tv, as I pay to watch it and I want to enjoy what I paid for. However, one of my friends at work Damien yells at me, calls me a Sissy Mary and tells me that I need to get my fat butt out and have a good time. Do you have that at work too? You know, the one guy who says that you need to get out of the house and go do something stupid, when you know nothing good will come from it? This is why there's so many office shootings.

After going through a Ferris Bueller/Cameron moment ("I'll go, I'll go, I'll go...."), I went home changed into Sam Action clothes tm and went out for what I hoped would be some fun around 11 pm. During my drinking days, it was no problem go out that late for booze and broads. Now that I don't drink anymore, the desire to go out has diminished a lot. After dialysis, I'm too beatdown for anything, so this was going to epic moment for me. Brief, but epic.

So, I get a somewhat good parking space for a Friday night in Downtown Savannah and make my way to the club where Damien's broadcasting live from. For those of you who don't get the chance to go to one of these places anymore, let me clue you in: The beats are harder, the women are sluttier and all the men dress like Kevin Federline. In fact, there were loads of K-Feds in this place. Caps on sideways with the stickers still on it, baggy clothes, stupid looks. This would be the place if Britney would go if she decided to go on the rebound. I just sat back in the V.I.P. lounge and watched for nearly two hours chicks on stripper poles and guys trying to look up their dresses. Maybe I'm geting old and all and there's a sort of parental part growing inside of me since I don't have kids, but if that my daughter on one of those poles and I saw some G-Unit wannabe from the suburbs staring at my kid like that, there would be club violence going on not seen since the Vibe Award Uprising of '03. It was too much for me now and I couldn't wait for Damien to be done so I could get that bass out of my head.

When he was done, I knew that I had to clear my head and there was no other place for me to go to than my old stomping grounds of The Mercury Lounge. When I was there, it was home and the bartenders where my brothers in booze. It felt like old times going in to se the saem guys behind the bar slinging drinks. I walked up to 'em, gave big guy hugs and we went back to the good old days again, even if it was only no more than three years ago, but they were the best times for me. I sat in my old spot and the boys got me my usual after I started dialysis, a cranberry juice with a splash of tonic in a pint glass. It worked for me everytime as everyone thought that since I knew the guys there so well, they were fixing up fo me the best drink in the world and everyone wanted to know what I had. Trust me, if you have a favorite bar somewhere and you don't drink anymore, try this sometimes. You'll be the star of the moment. Then sit back and just watch the folks line up.

One thing I that I did notice changing spots was the music, of course. THis time I was surrounded by a four piece blues band that was playing a great set and there were couples dancing along to the music. The difference between the guys dancing there and the other place was that the guys were over forty. Otherwise, it was the same thing. They couldn't dance for jack. In fact, these guys were worse then the younger ones. One guy looked like Albert Finney after a bender and danced like Michigan J. Frog on a hotplate, bless his heart. Thank God The Mercury doesn't have stripper poles.

After an hour of this, I began to see it was two in the morning and it was way past my bedtime, so I thanked the guys and called it an night. It was good to see them again, but my body was telling me that I've become the fuddyduddy that I always railed against and it was time to end the ideas closing down the bar. But it's good to have those memories to go back to so one day I can go back and tell my own kids about one day when I do become a dad. Also, I'll have to remind my daughters to stay off the poles.

Friday, November 10, 2006


How wild has this week been? Republicans ousted, K-Fed kicked to the curb and Rumsfeld given the boot? If anybody wants to blame Bill Clinton on all of this, I think it would have to be that he talked to Britney.

I should say that I feel bad for K-Fed and D-Feld, but I don't. They were two guys who used their power to do very ridiculous things and spend more money than they should to do things that weren't needed and wound up screwing everything up and alieniating everyone around them becasue of their actions. They abused their responsiblity by overstepping the bounds that they were required to do when taking oath, and for that they lost out. At this point, I'm glad that both are out of the public hair for now. But you know soon one of those guys is gonna come out with a book and hit the talk show circuit to talk about their tumultous times. I'm takig bets now on which one will be first.

By the way, most of you know I really don't like to talk about politics here, but this week was just a whopper. However, I've had an epithany that settles everything. On Letterman a couple of weeks ago after a visit from Bill "Falafal Man" O'Reilly who went on and on with his facts and figures. After looking exasperated just from hearing the man go on and on, Dave looked at Bill and said, "I'll just end up saying I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I don't think you do either." That from this point on is my new position and I'm sticking to it.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


Yes my friends, a new dawn is on the horizon! It's time for a new beginning for the United States! Strike up the band, get the fireworks ready and let the parades begin! Because...

Britney Spears has filed for divorce from K-Fed. This is the best day yet in the twenty first century yet.

Okay, who really didn't see this coming? Even Stevie Wonder had a lock on it, people. More later...

Sunday, November 05, 2006

By The Power Of Hip Hop!

Alright, I'm on a roll today with three in a row and the third one's the charm, I think. I found this on Apropos of Something, which I'm glad to see is still moving along, depsite the fact that I thought the guy quit blogging last year. Despite that, he's got some great stuff there, uncluding a link to an MP3 of an unreleased tune from Ludacris where he raps over the theme from "He-Man and The Masters of the Universe".
I'm not gonna lie: If you love hip hop or you never really listened to Ludacris other than watching "Crash", then this song's for you. Luda is one of rap's best lyricists and can boast with the best of them with very funny rhymes. Don't believe me? Then just click on the tune and BOUNCE, Y'ALL...

Happy Anniversary!

I hate not having internet service at home so I could get to these faster, but happy three year anniversary to Ivan Shreve, Good Member In Standing of the League Of Savannah Bloggers and creator of Thrilling Days Of Yestereryear. Ivan's down with a Savannah Cold right now, so here's hoping that he feels better soon. By the way, you've never had a cold like a Savannah Cold. It's what happens when you step out of the house dressed for 80 degrees and sunny and it winds up 60 degrees and breezy. That will mess you up for days. Also, happy two year anniversary to the longest blog title out there, If Charlie Parker Was a Gunslinger,There'd Be a Whole Lot of Dead Copycats. Tom Supten and his merry band find some wonderful photos, movie stills and more on the site, and the mysterious concoction known as Moxie. If you've haven't tried either, now's a good time. Happy Annie to both these great blogs and their wonderful posts!

Monkey Shines

I've said this before and I'll say it again until the cows come home to roost: MONKEYS IS FUNNY. I don't care what you say, I don't care what you do. Hands down, they are a great laugh maker. Think about the great Monkey entertainers out there. Cheeta, J.Fred Muggs, Lancelot Link, that chimp that was on "Lost In Space", Clyde from "Every Which Way But Loose". I'm tellin' ya, those simians were funny.

Oh, you don't think monkeys are funny? Well, what about the greatest viral video of all time of the chimp that sniffs his own finger? Priceless!

Yes friends, Monkeys Is Funny tm.I dare you not to sit there and not think of something funny that a monkey does. Whether it's driving a car, playing the guitar or just wearing a wig, monkeys pound for pound are funnier that Dane Cook anyday, in my opinion!

CAUTION: Monkeys may fling poo.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Our Space

Alright, I gotta beef for a moment. As most of you know, I have a My Space page that I keep up on a regular basis, with special posts that appear there instead of here, and are of a more "PG-13" style than what's written here. I also know that a few of the folks in my blogroll also have pages as well there as well. So I just found out that my oldest friend in the blogosphere, Pandora now has her own page for a while and NOW she tells us. I've been looking for more folk who come here to join me there and vice versa so I won't feel so alone there, ever though I have one hundred and thirty-one friends there. Which is a drop in bucket to dope like Dane "OOOH, I'm funny" Cook. Glad to have you aboard, Pandora.

Oh, and if you haven't gone there yet, check us both out and please make us your friends.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

One For The Team

I'm back. I'm tired, I'm grumpy and as you can guess, I'm still sore. Yep, I got the deed done and took one for the team. I should get the results back in a few days and it should come back okay. Of course, there was one guy at work who had to just pick on me abou the whole thing, but I'm not worried about it. He's only 24 and just looked at him and point black said, "Y'know dude, you're gonna get my age at some point. When you do, you my friend are gonna have to take one for the team, too. Who knows, by that time they'll be able to do it right there on the spot. There, you will have to drive home to your ugly wife and five kids who look like monkey-fish and they'll say, 'How was your day, Daddy?' You'll look at them and say, 'I took one for the team today, kids. Just I was fated to do by Sam Johnson.' Never say never if you love your health, my friend."

In all seriousness, I feel great considering. And I can't wait to get it out of the way in another five years. If you love your family and want to watch another season of Monday Night Football guys, get it done.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Gone Fishin'...

I won't be around for the next few days due to a very busy schedule. On Saturday, my neice will be getting married , so there's be a HUGE family reunion that day. That means I'll finally be able to eat some Black people cooking for the first time in a year. That will be great too, because on Sunday I will be at home prepping for the dreaded colonoscopy on Monday. If you've ever done that before, then you'll understand. If not, well let's just say plan on watching alot of tv from the bathroom that day. So if you need a Sam Fix until Wednesday, you'll have to wait. Be good till I get back.

Oh, and don't forget to turn your clocks back when you go to bed Saturday night.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Perky Love

Okay, I know how much America just LOVES Rachel Ray. But I know that alot of the country still can't stand the woman. I was on the fence about her for a bit now, until I remembered she did these photos for FHM Magazine a three years ago...
Rachel, you have my full devotion. See, if Kelly Ripa would do Maxim just once, I'd watch her in the morning.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Comments, We Get Comments

I just wanted to post this comment I recently recieved...

" does it make me crazy that I read these. I feel like I know you for real - yeah...ok...I'm really going back to work NOW.Alli 10.23.06 - 2:29 pm # "

No Alli, you aren't crazy one bit. When I started this whole thing out, I wanted folks to get to know me and now they realize that I am a comic book reading, cobessive televison watching, Slushie drinking, single Geek in radio with 30% working kidneys. I'm just friendly that way. So, am I an idiot for posting about my life? Not really. I mean, I could be geting paid for it but I'm not, sadly. You hear that, Google?

Truely, I did this in the beginning to get some dead weight off my shoulders. I then noticed that folks were starting to pay attention to what I had to say and soon I had to keep going. Part of me is a bit of an exibitionist to just throw my life out in the open like that, but the other side just wants to be accepted and make friends. If I've done so by making you a regular reader here, then I hope you walk away with a smile on your face and say to youself, "I know that boy ain't right, but he's good people, bless his soul". Hey, I still have half the state of Montana reading and I'm in Georgia, so I must be doing something right.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

"I'll take the dalmation for 200."

In my Zelig/Gump life, I 've had some amazing adventures, but none more mindblowing than being on the game show "Wheel Of Fortune". I talked about here in length about a year ago and I'm retelling the story again for anyone who may have missed it on My Space right now. The story's the same as last time, seriealized into three parts for those who remember, but I had to read it again because after over twenty years, I still can't believe I was there. Anyways, give it look. The third chapter shows up Monday.

A Few Facts About Me

I never got any sleep last night and now I'm here at work and doing my best to try to stay awake. So right now, I'm gonna do the impossible, something I've never done here on the site before. I'm gonna try to come up with 100 facts about myself. Maybe you've seen this on other sites or done it yourself if you have one. there's not really much about me that's that fasinating I think, but I hope to surprise myself as I do this. Maybe I'll surprise you , too.

1. My full name is Samuel Marquieth Johnson.
2. I'd rather be called Marc. The use of the name Sam showed up when I was in school, but around the house, my mama called me Marc. Bless her for that.
I was born on June Forteenth, 1966. That's Flag Day.
3. I thought al the flags out that day were to honor me. At least that's what my mama told me when I was young. Bless her again.
4. My mama was a hard working woman who took care of seven kids, six girls and one boy from her late husband before I showed up. Boy was I the odd man out until my kid brother showed up.
5. At the age of two, allegedly I was reading regularly. I was taught to sound out the words that I saw and pulled it off well, I'm told.
6. My house was the first on the block to have a color tv, thanks to my dad who was a tv repairman. You don't see those guys anymore.
7. at the age of five we moved from the projects to a beautiful neighborhood in Savanah in 1970. We were the first black family on the block.
8. I never went to kindergarten. I wound up going straight to first grade at age six and enjoyed one more year of freedom.
9. I was never a striaght A student. In fact, I was just a kid with hyperactive tendancies. So, my first grade teacher Mrs. Steel (perfect name for that taskmaster) prescribed drugs for me to calm down in class. I can barely remember most of the first grade and second grade because of it.
10. At the age of seven, I found out that I had the talent to sing. My mama played piano in church and I sang in the youth choir for years.
11. My best friend on the block was a kid named Aaron Campbell. He and his brothers were the coolest guys around.
12. I started to collect comic books when I was 7. I read the devil out of them, as much as my mom hated it.
13. It's kind of her fault. She would buy 'em for me. Bless her one more time.
14. My mom and dad never married, but they lived together for a time while was between relationships.
15. My father was a jerk. The less said, the better.
16. Okay, not really. He was abusive towards my family and did his best to try and muslce up on everyone.
17. In 1975, he and Mama got into a fight on an hot August night and the police showed up. I cried hard that night when he packed his stuff and left. Bust it was for the best for the family that he leave.
18. One year later, he showed up after marrying another woman and told me and my kid brother that he wanted us to come over to his new place and spend the night there. I said no, but Martin wanted to go with him. The next day, Dad filed for custody of him and kept him there for months, away from me and Mama.
19. She battled him in court through Summer, Fall, and most of Winter. That's when I began to change. I started to become introspective. I was never really home much that time because I didn't want to be there and started to roam around and do my own thing. That's how I became the guy I am now.
20. Dad lost the case and Martin came home on a Sunday night in January of 1977. That was also one of the rare times that it ever showed in Savannah.
21. Martin is one of the best friends I ever had. He's still my kid brother, though.
22. Although these days, he treats me like I'm younger than him since he has kids.
23. On June fifth of 1981, after my mama had married and divorced her second husband William Thompson (who was thirty years her senior), we packed out bags and moved to Detroit to find a new life. we moved with my aunt Laverne, her husband Donald and my grandmother Iya. Most of my mother's family moved there from Savannah and lived a wonderful life.
24. We did not. We wound up moving back to Savannah on Valentine's Day, 1982.
25. Because she sold the house to my Aunt Vivian (a contrversy unto itself), we wound up having to move into a two bedroom apartment with my sister Patricia until we could find a new house.
26. We found a house three months later that had room for us all. But then, Mama was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Because of that, Martin and I had to move in with Dad and his new family so not to disturb Mama while she was going through chemo. Bless her.
27. I hated living with my father. I had to sleep in the same bed with my brother at the age of 15. We never slept together ever.
28. He was also still very abusive to me and Martin. He also abused his new wife. But he didn't care. He was rich after conning folks with adjusted repair bills and takign in fenced goods and selling it in the store.
29. On October 21, just a week after her fiftieth birthday, my mama passed away. I didn't cry that night. I said a prayer and hoped she was in a better place.
30. When I was in the ninth grade, my mama came out to see me perform in my high school chorus. She got to hear me perform "The Rainbow Connection" from The Muppet Movie. The only thing on the stage was a Kermit puppet, but you could hear someone singing the song. When it was over, it got a round of applause. When the curtain opened, you could see the puppetteer, who then introduced me as the voice and the applause got louder as I came out. I could see Mama from the stage and I saw tears in her eyes. Her boy did good that night. Real good.
31. When I was twelve, my mama and I had talk about death after a relative had passed. I told her if I were to ever die for her not to go to my funeral. It would hurt her too much. She told me she didn't want me to go to hers as it would do the same thing to me. We made a pact that day after a hug and a "I love you".
32. The day after her death, I decided to go to school and to try to just try to make it a normal day. Everyone thought I was crazy, but I went. Somehow, word got to the school and everyone gave me cards and sympathies. I said my "thank you"s and trudged on though the day. My first class was mixed chorus and my teacher was a woman named Mary Sue Regan. We practiced on our notes at the beginning of class and then we began to work on a new song she wanted us to try: "The Rainbow Connection". Before I could finish the first verse, I began to cry. Soon, the cry became a howl for help as I fell to the floor and began to breakdown. Miss Regan picked me up off the floor and we began to cry together. She held me for as long as she let me and I was a lost youth, losing a mother at her prime. I cried though the entire first period and most of second. After an hour of this, Miss Regan said that the principle knew about what had happened and if I wanted to stay at the school all day and not go to class, I could. So that day, I roamed around the school with a couple of my friends then who kept an eye out on me to make sure I would be okay, Russell Whitney and Danny Starnes. Those guys were wonderful that day.
33. I didn't go to Mama's funeral. But it was big. The church was standing room only, with folks having to stand outside. Maybe it was a god thing I didn't go. She would have missed me with that much of a crowd there. But at least she had a lot of friends. God bless her.
34. To get my mind off of having one parent gone and another a complete jerk, I threw myself into radio as an intern for a local AM station, WSOK. I was part of crew called the Teen TImers and we had our own show from Noon till Two on Saturdays. I was the crazy one. My father hated it becasue I wasn't going to be the jerk that he was when I get older.
35. I wound up graduating from Summer school in 1984 after finding out that becasue of the different curriculum between Savannah and Detriot, I would be short two credits and would have to make them up, which my dad hated becasue he had to pay for the classes. When I finally got to walk up to get my cap and gown, was I given a congrats from the guy since I was his first kid (that he knew of) to graduate? No. We drove right home that night and he looked at me and said, "It's your turn to do the dishes. Get 'em done and take out the trash." Now you see why there's no love between me and the jackass.

You know what? After doing all this, I don't wanna write anymore. I didn't think I would go into my life story here, but as I started writing, it just came out. Why don't we pick this up at another time, where we start out from whne I started college, I get my first real radio job, how I met my ex wife and more crap.

Right now, I just wanna think about Mama. Bless her.

Friday, October 20, 2006

A Man Named Moose

What pray tell is in a name? Does your name fit you perfectly? Are you proud of your name? Well, today dear reader, I have heard a name said in public I thought I would never hear anywhere. We'll get to it in a sec. For suspense purposes, of course.

When you read a lot of comics as I have, you hear names being used that sound different form the names you hear on the street. You know...guys named Lance. Now fifty years ago, if you knew a guy named Lance, he was a Man's man. Now if you knew a guy named Lance, he's a man's Man. Lance Armstong doesn't count.

I mean names like Clark or Carter. How about Brick? ANybody withthe name of Brick was the right to wallop the living piss out of you. No questions asked, no note from mom. You took a punch in the snoot and LIKED IT. One of those fast talkin' guys from the ganster movies. "Nyyaa see, mugs? That's how we do things around here, see? Nyaaa. Now shut yer yap and gimmie a Mocha Frappachino, lo-fat with cinnamon, see?" If you ever saw that at Starbucks, it would care the Liberal out of you.

So today, I go into work and do the typical (bitch and moan) when I see my co-worker Gena show up. She introdues me to a couple of guys she's leaving with. Now honestly, the first guy I could give two hoots about. But the other guy? Well...

First of all, he seemed like an ordinary guy, nothing special about the guy. He didn't look weird or anything. It was his name that stuck out. The name was Moose.

Holy crap on a popsicle stick.

I know his mama didn't name him that.

How does what get the name Moose? What happened in his life to be named Moose? Did his friends call him Moose? Does his mama call him Moose? Are there little Meeses somewhere?
I had only heard that the name Moose as a myth. There was a kid actor in the Seventies named Moosie I saw all the time and he was a tough kid, for Hollywood standards. And, there's Moose who lived in Riverdale and knew Archie and the gang and always beat the hellout of Reggie for messing with his "gurl" Midge. I never however thought that I would ever meet a guy named Moose. I don't know if women named Midge exists these days either, and if you know of one, let me know.

Anyways, the name just through me is all. If was only a brief meeting, but to this day, I will always remember that if something should ever happen to me, I can always say that I have been on Wheel of Fortune, hung with kings, drank with fools and knew a man named Moose.
I have a blessed life, don't I?

Monday, October 16, 2006

The Feva Of The Flava

I know you watched "Flava Of Love" last night on VH1. Don't hide it. I publicly admit to seeing the whole series. And let me say, that was the most fun I've had so far this season. Admit it, you knew that New York was nuts. Hell, we knew that from the first season. So why did Flav bring her back this time and dumping her after doing the same thing to her the first go round? Simple (and truthfully): to tap that. Oh yeah, she may have been coo-coo bananas, but she was fine. If you had the chance to be with a hot chick but you knew she was one step away from Mike Tyson crazy, you'd try it too.

I think New York needs her own show now after not getting her own clock. I call it "New York State Of Mind", where N.Y. and her equally crazy ass mama look for the perfect man, only to have her getting dumped in the end and having her lose it in the cab at the end of every episode. I hear VH1 is planning a show like that. I hope to Flav I get to see it.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Turn Your Head And Cough, Please

The very first thing that I noticed when I hit 40 years old was that I felt like was slowing down now as I get closer to middle age. The sucky part of that was now folks are saying that forty is now the new thirty. Which means that I now am way behind while the rest of the world has gone ahead. I certainly doesn't help that I have end stage renal failure, high blood pressure and am a stroke victim. At least my cholestorol is 180, which is a good thing. But the other stuff? Yeah, it's a bear.

I am playing it smart these days. I do my best to moderate everything I do these days. I snack, but for the most part it's fruits instead of junk all the time. Don't get me wrong. Once in a while, I'll get a jones for a Dorito or two (Nacho Cheese, natch. I'm not gonna take a chance with that Spicy Habenero) , but I'm better off just grabbing some grapes and sitting back on the couch to watch "Heroes". One new thing I've jumped on is hummus. Oh yeah, that's the bombdiggity these days for me. Particularly any made with roasted red pepper. It's low on fat and calories and can fill you up if munch with pita bread. Twenty, no, ten years ago if you had asked me to try the hummus at your house party, I would have double smacked you like I was George Raft in a original ganster movie. And you'd have liked it.

I also make doctor visits often now. If there's something wrong with me, I will get up and go see someone withthe quickness. Is it me being a hypochondriac? Well, yeah kinda. Blacks are more prone to heart attacks and strokes, plus are the leaders with high blood pressure when you break down race. So I will go see an M.D. fast if I know something isn't right. Of course, it's not just a race thing with me. I know loads of folks who get ill or hurt and just let it go. I knew a guy broke his pinky toe and just let it go. Three days later, he died from a stab wound. Okay, I think those two have nothing to do with each other, but that should tell you to go see a doctor anyhow.

On Friday, I had an appointment to go see digestive doctor Dr. Hathaway due to having some tummy problems. I'm not going to give T.M.I. (or "too much information" as the chat rooms say), but I wasn't doing too well there, dear reader. So, the best suggestion for me according to the Doc was a colonoscopy, which I agreed to. Now, if you're over the age of forty, YOU NEED TO DO THIS. It's a simple thing and it only takes an hour. It's all the stuff that proceeds it that's the hassle. I did this before, back in August of '04, although I barely remember it. Possibly because I knocked out by drugs so they could do it. Trust me...You'll want to take 'em when the realization of a long black camera IS BEING SHOVED UP THROUGH YOU WHILE YOU ARE LAYING ON A TABLE. WITHOUT THE DECENCY OF FLOWERS OR CANDY. YOU HAVE BEEN CASTED IN "OZ".

Now in order for them to...sigh, "do that thing", your body needs to be cleaned of any waste. So, you must take an entire day off work, play, whatever, and drink an entire gallon of product that they prescribe called Nutralyte. It comes in powder form in a plastic bottle and once filled with water, you drink it down, where then the nuclear powered laxatives inside work their magic and flush out anything you may have eaten in the past decade or three. If you swallowed a button as child in 1973, it will come back to haunt you. Remember that time you stole that cake from the community fridge at work? No evidence at all.

Now, Nutralyte comes on four, count them, FOUR WONDERFUL FLAVORS. Crap, Crap, Crap and Tropical Crap. No matter what you say and do, it's awful. Now, doctors say that you can mix it with Crystal Lite and it will help the taste. I'm not a fan of that stuff and mixing it with Nutralyte ain't gonna help it, so I'lll cut it with Tang, throw it in the deep freeze for a hour and just let it chill till ready. No solid foods after I drink it. Nothing but clear liquids and broths until midnight then nothing else. I then call my loved ones to give them my goodbyes, place a tv in front of the bathroom door, then prepare for what could called by my Cherokee ancestry "a dreamquest".

The next day you go in for procedure, which isn't as bad as folks make it sound. First of all, they care about you to give you Vallium and Vercid, which makes you forget about the fact that THEY ARE SHOVING A LONG BLACK CAMERA THROUGH YOUR BODY WITH EVEN THE EFFORT OF TAKING OUT FOR DINNER BEFOREHAND AND NOT EVEN ASKING HOW YOUR DAY AT WORK WAS. Trust me, if you even knew what was going on, you'd be pissed. You just don't wanna know. Just give in.

After an hour or so of them running that thing, it's over. All done. They wheel you out to the recovery room where you wake up in a chair like nothing ever happened. It's like you just woke up from a wild frat party the next day and you did some crazy stuff there, but nobody wants to talk about it. They knew you just wated to have a good time and all, but it got out of control when you started talking about how cool Kim Jong Il is while dancing the Mamoushka with the dog.

The good news of it was when I had it done the fisrt time was they couldn't find anything wrong, which was great. But as I get older, the chance of something happening is greater, so I'm suggesting to everyone over forty, especially men, to get it done. The chances of colon cancer increases as you age, so the best thing to do is get that check up now. Doctors are now able to stop it now before it gets out of hand with regular check ups, but it's up to you to get it done. All jokes aside, I've never felt better about colonoscopy these days because of that. It may be hell to drink down a gallon of liquid lava, but it's better in the long run for you.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Dancin' Near The Exit

The Republicans have been feelin' it now for a month, what with Mark Foley turning page after page, George Allen realizing that he missed his bar mitzah and just everything else that has to do with politics at this point. Now, Sara Evans, the Dancing With The Stars contestant/d-lister and person that isn't Jerry Springer that had support thanks to Tom DeLay sending out letters to fellow Republicans to vote for her to win quit the show today due to her divorcing her husband and to "to give her family full attention at this difficult time."

Now here's where the rub comes in...

Said husband committed adultery, was verbally and emotionally abusive, drank excessively and frequently watched pornography in their home according to the AP. (Craig) "Schelske, 43, who is currently unemployed, ran for Congress as a Republican from Oregon's 5th District in 2002. In the filing in state court in Franklin, a Nashville suburb where the couple has a home, Evans alleges that Schelske watched pornography on the couples' computers and has at least 100 nude photographs of himself in a state of arousal. "

Damn you, Bill Clinton. Leave the Republicans alone!