Monday, June 30, 2008


To whom it may concern,

I am shocked, appalled and angered by what you may call a “snack machine”. Today, I began to purchase a bag of Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream potato chips from said machine by placing seventy-five cents into its slot, then pressing A-2 when then I was rebuked by the demon of my chips! I have had my money taken by this no armed bandit before and have been quiet about it until now and I am now fully perturbed at this point! This red animal has taken the hard earned dollars of many of the fellow workers here and now it time for us to take a stand! We want our Twix bars new, we want our honey buns fresh, WE WANT ACTION AND WE WANT IT NOW! This smacks of outright thievery! I call shenanigans on this mechanical crook, this foul metal beast and pray to the Heavens above this “snack machine” return to the level of Hell unto which it spew from!

Yours sincerely,

Samuel M. Johnson, ESQ.

Friday, June 27, 2008


Well, this sucks.

First up, I never got to go to Sam's Club. I got shanghaied by some friends who wanted to go off to drink after work then go do karaoke. I told them that I had some grown up stuff to do, but I wound up hanging out with the gang (not drinking, by the way) until dark and by that time, Sam's was closed. So, the last post is now for nothing.

Second, and this is the most important thing. This Sunday is the fifth anniversary of "Sam-a-Rama"/"The Real Sam Johnson Show" and I won't be able to celebrate it like I wanted to originally. The plan was to get spruced up around here and maybe a new template or two and see if it worked. I had also planned to have "Underground Savannah" footage up by now, but no such luck since my home computer is now dead. This is all you are going to get for an anniversary post. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Hell, I won't even be around a computer this Sunday to even post anything. So, let's just do this now. Big hyperbole and all that.

Here's what I wrote on that very first post on Sunday, June 29th, 2003...

"Anyway, I don't know if my life will be any different from what any other blogger puts online. I don't really follow politics much. I'm sort of a pop culture geek who keeps his eyes out on fads, trends, etc. I do have some interesting friends and wild stories to post online ( at least, the ones that are clean enough). If I have at least one hook to this whole blog thing for you to want to keep up with me is that fact that I'm on dialysis. To me, it's just another day, but others worry, so I try to keep them updated."

Other than correcting the bad spelling (HA!), I think I've done my best to keep up my end of the deal. I've dipped into pop culture and had some fun so far. I've kept those concerned with my personal life as well, letting you all in on some of the interesting things that go on in my neck of the woods. I could have sat in front of a keyboard and just yammered on about how I had the greatest sandwich in the world and took a nap in every post, but I thought I would just do that once in a blue moon to see if anyone was looking.

Since I've come along, I've seen other blogs that have come and gone quickly. I came in once the term "blog" was starting to get noticed by the world and then people started to jump on the bandwagon so they could be as hip as everyone else. Afterwards, those who wanted to keep on writing stuck around. I did as I figured that I had nothing else to do on the web until You Tube showed up and I've been here ever since. I've gone through a name change, at least five template changes, over ten surgeries, helped and tried to work on six other blogs, deaths of friends and family, three moves, two computers and one a-hole of a pet and I'm not talking about Carl Wintergaten.

The important thing is that with all the crap that I have been through in the past five years, I'm still posting. I guess that's not a bad thing. Am I gonna keep on even though I don't have my home network for now? To paraphrase producer Robert Evans, you bet your ass I will. There's no way I can give it up now. This site has been my outlet to the world and sometimes, my only connection. There are millions of sites out there on the web and it's hard to noticed out there with all the cool stuff and I just have a penguin. It's feels great to get a comment once in a while from someone who reads your thoughts online. So once again, I got that going for me.

Now, who do I thank for wanting me to keep on keeping on?

First, Dave Hewitt. He was the first person to ever leave a comment here and has stuck around ever since. Thanks for that. By the way, I almost posted that photoshoped pic of you, just for a laugh or three, but I can't find it at the moment.

Next, the state of Montana. I made a lot of friends there thanks to this blog and if I had the opportunity, would be there this Summer, as I wish every Summer, to ride a horse along the Great Falls. There's way to many folks out there in the entire state for me to mention so I'll say thank you specifically to Randy, David (my fellow Green Hornet fan), and especially Pandora Zowada. I miss your posts and I hope that one day you will return to us soon. Oh, and Carl misses Tippy.

To Tom Sutpen for his friendship and wonderful photos. You're a good man, Tom.

To Brent McKee, who I would not have found if I had not gotten an email from Tony Figueroa saying "Read 'Child Of Televison'" and I got mixed up with the two of them. Cheers, fellas.

To SwanShadow, for the letters and encouragement. Plus, he won a lot of money on "Jeopardy". Not as much as that Ken guy, but he did good enough. Thanks, Uncle Swan. We must do a tune or two one day.

A Kirby Crackle comic book shout out to The Retropolitan, Mike Sterling, and Kevin Church who I tried to start and friendly internet feud so I could get a few extra hits early on. We could have been Jack Benny and Fred Allen, Church.

To Ivan Shreve, Jr. who I did start an Benny/Allen feud with, even though we are very good friends. Your membership in the League of Savannah Bloggers is still there, even though you moved to Athens, Georgia, where he can drink all the Mountain Dew and eat all the Varsity chili dogs he wants. By the way, you owe 47 dollars and sixty-two cents for the fez you got before you left. Pay up, boy or the wolves are knocking on your door. As you can tell folks, I'm Jack Benny.

To Mark Evanier. It was reading his blog that got me into wanting to do this, so he has been a kind of guide on how to do this and how to say it. All of the past five years have been your fault, sir. This is the revenge I give to you for having a hand in creating Scrappy Doo. Other than that, thank you for the advise and keeping The Spirit alive.

Oh yeah, and thanks to everyone else in the blogroll. I put you all there because I like you all.

Most importantly, thank you dear reader. You've put up with all my crap over the years and I'm glad that you did. From Goth Girl Blog Day to National Gorilla Suit Wearing Day to the Least Sexiest Woman in the World. From the days that first posted a You Tube clip to the times that I posted an actual podcast. From Sam-a-Palooza to "Truthidity", to who looks hotter, Jennifer or Bailey on "WRKP in Cincinnati"(it was always Bailey) . From the good days to the bad ones. From "The Real Sam Johnson Show" to "Sam-a-Rama".

One more thing from that first post...

"So, that's me in a nutshell. I do have allot to say, and I'll be here to say it, now that I have a forum. Please come back from time to time and let me know what you think after you've read a few lines of my life, views, and whatever else spews."

Y'all come now, ya hear? Thanks.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Sam's Sam Club Card

I was always interested in the buy-by-bulk stores like Costco and Sam's Club. It just seems funny to to buy toilet paper like it's the end of the world and all. So, when my friend Tina offered to put me on her Sam's Club membership, I jumped at the chance. I mean, here is a place where you can buy a ginormous tin of Tang that you can have for the rest of your life. Personally, I like Tang a lot, but I don't know if I could ever drink that much over time or a never ending jar of sweet pickle relish that will last you until either Jesus or Joe Peschi is resurrected. Tonight after work, I plan on making my first real visit to the place to scope it out. I really don't know if I'm going to make a major purchase since I live alone. I can see myself loading up the buggy if I had a family or I was stocking a bomb shelter, but I don't need much. Hopefully on Friday when I get to work, I'll let you know how the shopping went.

Monday, June 23, 2008

R.I.P. George Carlin

When I was a kid, we were one of the only families on the block with cable television way back in 1974. Things were fantastic getting to see TV stations from other cities than mine, which is how cable worked back then. Three years later, Savannah was treated to a new channel to watch called Home Box Office. For the first time, viewers got to see movies they way they were meant to be seen, uncut and commercial free. Mind you back that then HBO wasn't 24 hours like it is now, but began their day around 5 in the afternoon and ended it around 2 am. Still, you got some pretty cool flicks on the air, movies I know I would have never gotten to see in the theaters because of how old I was. The first time I ever saw a nude woman, other than walking in on my sisters by accident in their rooms, was on Home Box Office. Don't ask me what movie it was, but I saw a naked lady in it.

One other thing the channel did was to bring stand up comedy to television with the "On Location" specials. The only time I would see comedy on TV as a kid was through sitcoms and variety shows, but never a whole act. The very first show I got to see was George Carlin at U.S.C. in 1977.i I saw promos for the special and thought it was interesting. I had seen Carlin on The Flip Wilson Show and maybe a few others, so it might be kind of funny. When I finally got to see it, I was stunned. At the time, the only curse words I ever knew in my life was "Damn" and "Hell". I never knew that there were seven, even dirty words out there that I could hear on TV or even use in public. Carlin even taught me how to use them in a sentence! When the show began, I was an eleven year old boy. By the end of the routine and the entire special itself, I became an eleven year old boy who could cuss like a sailor. That's right, folks. You thought that it was Richard Pryor who taught me what I know now. Yes, but it was George Carlin who shaped the mold before it was broken.

Carlin didn't talk about things at all. He talked about "stuff". He talked about placed to keep your "stuff",why do people say "stuff", how come the government does stupid "stuff" and why they sell you dumb "stuff" on TV. In Carlin's view, there were liars, thieves, jerks, fat cats, little cats, jokers, jerks, and the occasional hippy-dippy weather man. All in Carlin's edgy, word full world. Plus, he kept it going on the stage for years. You see some stand ups as they get older and their material is as old as the Magna Carta, while Carlin kept writing and working. He's the only comic to have sixteen HBO stand up specials, then turned around and became Mr. Conductor on "Shining Time Station". Hell, I even watched the show to see if he would ever go off on one of those annoying kids or tell Thomas the Tank Engine to shove it up his smoke pipe.

It's ironic for Carlin to die this year as he was to be honored with a Mark Twain Prize for his comedy, but now it will be a tribute in his honor for making comics become edgier with their material and people become smarter with the world and to rethink everything you may know. I know that he definitely did it with me. I just hope that before he died, he finally made peace with Joe Peschi.

It's a Carlin Joke. If I have to explain it, then you need to watch a special or two and that's no bullshit.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Slushie Nirvana

Here's the dilemma: I'm supposed to watch my fluid intake because of my kidney problems. However, it's now hot as the dickens here in Savannah and I get thirsty. What's a guy got to do when he feels like he needs to rehydrate?

I know that somewhere near you there's a Sonic Drive-In. I'm not a big fan of the food there. I think they boil their Coney Dogs instead of grilling them like I like them, and their burgers are nothing really to write home to . They sell ice cream desserts and shakes, but my favorite item on their menu is their slushes. They have, or so they say in their ads, over 168,000 drink combinations for the drink and I truly believe they do after today. I've had many of them, including grape/orange, cranberry/lemon, among others. Today this time I had what could be the greatest of all combos: Iced tea and lemon. Now, in some places that's called an "Arnold Palmer", named after the great golfer. When I too that first sip, I felt like I hit a hole-in-one on the thirteen in Augusta. Pure, wet, cold heaven on a hot, muggy day.

If you ever get a chance, stop by your by the Sonic near you and I dare you to make up a slushie
combo. It really is a fun thing to do when you get there. But I must personally recommend an iced tea and Fresh Lemon slush. Just don't call it an "Arnold Palmer". The kids at the windo might not know what you're talking about.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

I have a hangover

Yep, the birthday party was perfect last night. There was bad singing, because I was told that I would be singing whatever everyone put up on the karaoke list, which meant that I did "Like A Virgin", "Barbie Girl" and such most the night. However, every song they put up would cost them five bucks each, so I made 60 bucks. Also, there were girls there. Okay, a girl and she was drunk and hot in a Amy Winehouse kinda way and she spanked me 42 times and one for good luck. Oooh, and then the cops showed up twice because some underage punk came into the bar. It's really not a great party until the cops show up at some point. Oh, and I had good champagne. A few glasses. I had four shots of Jameson Irish Whiskey and two Jagermiester shots and felt fine the whole night without a buzz. It was the champagne however that did me in. So I sit here at a keyboard and try to type before I do my radio show on E-93. This could be a really good show today.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Savor Every Pop Tart

I just got this birthday greeting from Dave Hewitt.

"At our house on your birthday you get pop tarts served in bed. (It keeps
the kids for begging for them the other 364 days). It all started when I
was working as a temp. I felt terrible because it was my birthday, and I
didn't have a real job. A fellow temp gave me a pop tart as a birthday
present. I felt much happier after getting the pop tart, even if I was
still a temp. Ever since them I've always equated Pop Tarts with
birthdays. Here's a whole box for you to savor on Saturday."

I wanted to talk about seeing "The Incredible Hulk" last night at midnight and how I should really give up late night movies, but I just got the word of NBC News Washington Chief Tim Russert passing away just two hours ago. I got the word as I was in the clinic doing my dialysis today instead of Saturday so I can celebrate without being loopy as I am now typing this at work.
My condolences to his family and to the NBC news team. I hope that if he got the chance, he savored every Pop Tart as well.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


My access to at computer is still limited, so I'm doing this at work, listening to "Invisible Touch" by Genesis. Bear with me, gang.

My birthday party is still on for this Saturday, in case you didn't hear. Everybody will be there and I mean EVERYBODY. Okay, not everybody, but I sure as Hell invited a lot of folks. As soon as I can and if I can, I'll try and post pictures.

Did anyone hear about Paul Newman's freind publicly announcing that he has cancer? Newman says himself that he's "doing nicely". All I know is he's still one of the best.

I got tickets to check out "The Incredible Hulk" for midnight tomorrow and from what I hear, it REALLY makes up for what Ang Lee did before. By the way, has anyone checked out the new Red Hulk in comics? Alright, some of you out there may not read the books, but you know me. There's no identity fo rwho is really this color of beast, but it isn't Bruce Banner. My guess is it's the reincarnation is actually Major Glen Talbot, who tormented the monster for years. Here's what he looks like:Look, if I want to talk comics, I'll talk comics. It's my house.

Okay, I need to go now. Uncle Kracker's on. Wheeeee!

Sunday, June 08, 2008

That Was The Weekend That Was

I'm telling you, the whole thing was topsy-turvy. There were good thing, bad things, weird things, and the just plain dumb.

Friday was Ronnie's wedding to Brenadette on Fripp Island. The ceremony was small with only a handful for family memers there and of course I was the only lump of coal in a snowbank. Actually, there was another Black guy there, but he was with his long time companion, so he gets half a credit. I was actually happy and still stunned that I was in the wedding. So nervous in fact, that as Ronnie, his brother and best man Rick and I came walking out, I bumpedinto the table that held the champagne glasses and one fell over, crashing to the ground and breaking. Yes, I felt like a jackass and no one would ever forget that wedding. I was forgiven by the couple for the bump, but I couldn't shake it the rest of the time I was there. In fact, one of Brenedette's uncle's or cousins or whatever the Hell he was (I met him earlier when Ronnie introduced him to me and Rick and while he shook Rick's hand, he ignored me and so he's on the shite list) yelled at me at the reception, "Hey Sam, watch out for those plastic cups on the the table! You could break those, too!" I turned to him, politely bulked up my muscles, arched an eyebrow and quitely gave him an "f*** you", then walked away. I do so love weddings.

The whole shindig lasted till 10 and I packed up my one hundred and fifty dollar rented DJ equipment into my rented 2008 Dodge Caliber that cost me 64 dollars (that's the breakdown of it, Ronnie. Please send the check fast as I am late with the rent) and headed out of Fripp Island and towards home. There's just one slight problem of that I knew how to get there, thanks to Mapquest. I just didn't know how to get the heck out of South Carolina.

To paraphrase Roger Ebert, I hate South Carolina. Hate, hate, hate, hate. I try to give it some respect because it's one of the original thirteen colonies, but I could give a crap on it. The women are freaky, the men are asses, and the roads are screwed up. Here I was for over two hours trying to find my way off of this place with no signs anywhere telling me how close to I-95 I was because I was going in a circle. I felt like I was trapped in Groundhog's Day. I kept seeing the same McDonald's, the same Publix's, the same ugly hooker in the black sparkly dress on the corner over and over and over again. I asked some punk kids at a Sonic how to get to a main road and they couldn't even tell me how to tie a shoelace. It finally took a burley guy in a black t-shirt covered in skulls to give me the right way out and when I did, I took it at eighty and every corner on two wheels. Oh, and for the record, the Dodge Caliber has great mileage and smooth handling. Thanks, Enterprise Car Rentals! I finally got in around 1:30 a.m. and fell asleep once my head hit the pillow, just so I could forget about the pain of being in a crappy state.

There are other things that happened over the weekend as well, but I'll hold off on them later. The worse thing that happened is while in Beaufort, my laptop was badly screwed up due to being in a carry all bag with a bottle of Downy Wrinkle Realease which messed the whole thing up and now not working. I'm now typing this post at South University's computer lab and will now be out of a home computer till further notice. This is what I get for crossing state lines, I suppose. So, if anyone wants help me get a new laptop, click on the PayPal button and make a donation. You'll be glad you did and thanks!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

My Best Friend's Wedding

Friday is going to be crazy for me. It turns out that my bestest friend ever Ronnie is getting married tomorrow, which I can say I'm excited for. There's only one problem. I almost forgot it was happening this Friday. I mean, I knew it was gonna be on a Friday, but I thought it was gonna be, like two Fridays from now. Yeah, I got the invite and all that. Hey, I AM EVEN IN THE WEDDING. I just forgot what day it was. Here, have a cookie and listen.

I get the phone call yesterday morning. The phone call woke me up.

Ronnie: You awake yet, sunshine?

Me: Yeah, yeah. I'm up. What's happening?

Ronnie: You got everything set?

Me: Yeah. I"ll call Rody's Music for the DJ setup, I'll get the wedding music for you, I"ll get the shoes. We're ready for Friday.

Ronnie: Yep. Just a couple of days away.

Me: Wait. It's this Friday?

Ronnie: Yes, dumb ass. I get married this Friday.

Me: Ooooh. Okay. Well, I'd better wake up and get cracking then, huh?

In one day, I got the DJ setup, I got the music, and I got the shoes. I rented the car today so I don't have to drive the Escort to South Carolina to see it break down, as it is a piece of shite. Still, I am ready for my pal Ronnie's wedding. I'm proud of the ol' hat and glad that he's finally jumping the broom. I just regret having the be the one to play The Carpenters. For that, I could stay in bed.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

News Noise

Already, there has been fallout from TV Guide Channel's "Making News Savannah", which airs tonight. As you know and may have read below here, the reality show deals with a local news team in a small city struggling to get ratings, this time being my town. I understand from good friend and future League of Savannah Blogger Luke Walker that he's heard from one of the reporters after Luke posted his comments on the show after reading what I wrote, if that makes any sense. From what he told me, said reporter was upset over what he put down and even called her mom to his see his site and what was written. To clear things up and get him out of the hassle on this, I'll be the one to stand up and say that it all began with me and that she should have Googled me first.

The thing that gets me is that she felt hurt about what Luke said, all when all the while she should be upset with the producers of the show if they show her in what she thinks is a bad light and what they think makes a good show. No matter what happens however, I'd only have one thing to say to all of it: Welcome to your extra fifteen minutes. I hope it all works out in the long run for you.

I think "Making News Savannah" will have to get a weekly recap here, don't you?

Tuesday, June 03, 2008


Ain't it cool?

Sunday, June 01, 2008

No News Is Good News

I'm not in the television biz, I'm in radio. But because Savannah is such a small town (it acts too damn big for it's size for me sometimes), sometimes news gets out about how the TV folks are doing. Of course not all of it pretty. I mean, I know that my line of work has its bit of drama as well. Thank the Lord I don't get to hear it that much these days. I thank whomever possible as well that I don't have a camera following me around twenty-four frickin' hours a day here in town. But the newsteam at WJCL and WTGS did and now there's a show about it, called "Making News Savannah" coming this Wednesday to TV Guide Channel. I can truthfully say the the two stations, who share news staff, has nothing to lose since both are bottom of the barrel in the ratings. I know that for years, the channels have done what they could to stop the folksy juggernaut that is WTOC and the more human WSAV, but to no avail no matter what. Maybe am inside look at what goes on behind the cameras will help them become credible to the community.

Then again, after watching this clip of a reporter losing her one of her earrings and covering a story anyway with one ear jeweless, it looks like they could be screwed.